Thursday, August 27, 2009

The thing about hate...


Have you ever had the same fight over and over again? Like the day repeating, but the weather has changed? Groundhog day... This is my life. It doesn't happen every day, but often enough. I feel like I am losing my mind!

The issue is, my husband hates my sister- and I hate my husbands father. This dynamic is a constant source of argument that might never die. Aside from these two people, there is nothing to argue about!

Why does my husband throw the dirty "family card" out there? Even when we are bickering about what movie to see, the "family card" gets thrown down and the argument shifts, gets heated, and I turn on the silent treatment. When are we too old to bicker about family? Will it ever end? When???

bickering betty

Dear Bickering Betty,

I love love love this question...first of all because it describes what happens behind so many peoples closed doors--and I get all warm and fuzzy inside when I realize that this may just help someone, in addition to you, who is least expecting it... but I also love it because I get to use one of my favorite metaphors...the scratched record. Fun times. Here we go...

In the beginning of our life we are like a new record, all shiny and new, scratch free, playing smoothly without skipping or getting stuck, no matter what comes our way. Then, life happens. We have happy joyful delicious times, and we have frustrating hurtful painful times. Sometimes the painful times create a big lasting scratch in our record. Some scratches are, really deep.

What happens is this; if that deep scratch isn't healed...we never talked about it, went to therapy, dealt with it... it becomes our default emotional landing.

What I mean is, as our record/life plays on, if the record player ever gets bumped- like something upsets us, ruffles us, etc.—we automatically get thrown right back to our deepest scratched spot- the painful memory, experience, or feeling. And being there is crappy. And scary. And uncomfortable. And we get angry. And even if the person, place, or thing that bumped the record player has nothing to do with the scratch, they get the heat for it.

So now that I may have thoroughly confused you... let's relate this to your situation and put this metaphor to work.

Let's use your husband hating your sister as our example. I don't know him or his life story, but what I sense is that he's a human being who has gone through stuff- life, family, etc. and something affected him in at some point that he has yet to deal with and put to rest-maybe major, maybe minor, but created a scratch nonetheless. And that scratch is still there.

Your sister happens to be a person who bumps your husbands record player…she triggers him, activates him, reminds him of (unconsciously) and makes him feel the feelings that live in the deep scratch in his record. Then he's uncomfortable, and get's angry.

After enough bumps, your sister became the face of his frustration-like an ad campaign. Every time you think of Subway you think, Jared, the Subway guy, ya? So every time he feels frustrated he thinks... my sister-in-law, the frustrating girl. Not so fair, but true and totally normal.

Are you still with me? This is a lot. Take a deep breath. Let's keep going...

When you and your hubby are deciding about a movie, for example, he may feel frustrated. And now, your sister is the representative of frustration. So she get's brought into the mix. Bummer.

So here's the play by play. First, you get scratched at some point in your life. The scratch is deep, and it's easy to fall back into it. Then, you meet someone who bumps you... something about them just activates you and for some reason leads you fall into the icky feelings all over again...

Then, you decide you hate them. Because they bump you into a place and into feelings you don't like experiencing.

The thing about hate is that when you feel it towards another person, it's the universe sending you a message, telling you it's time to look within...and get curious. We don't hate others...we really don't. Hating others isn't part of our natural makeup...what we hate are the feelings that come up as a response to certain people or groups. For example, we don't like feeling afraid, so we hate those who scare us. We don't like feeling insecure, so we hate those who make us question ourselves. We don't like feeling unsafe, so we hate those who threaten our safety, etc.

Feeling hate is a huge gift...that is, if you are willing to unwrap it. If you discover where your feelings of hate towards another human being come from... well then you are a frikin' winner. You get to grow. You get to become more accountable. You get to become more mature, gracious, self aware, and kind. I get chills even thinking about it.

Hating another person or group and then taking a step back and wondering about yourself and where that hatred might be coming from--and taking responsibility for those emotions. Ugh, I mean, that's world peace according to me. So delish I can’t stand it.

My response isn't about why your sister or his dad bumped either of you in the first place. That's a whole other story. That's something that I can't speak to-I don't have enough information. It's your box to unpack, preferably with a therapist individually or as a couple.

What is it about them that makes you both so heated? What don't you like to feel that they bring out in you...and where did it come from? So many possibilities...

My amazing-loving-bickering-human through and through-darling...I could squeeze you right now I'm so happy. Do you realize what just happened? You had a hand in possibly inspiring not only yourself, but another person reading this post think about themselves, their past, life, relationships, a new light.

Now go put your favorite record on, and breathe through the bumps, the scratches, and dance to every gorgeous song along the way...madly, deeply, joyfully.

Love love love,

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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The thing about mothers-in-law...

The thing about mothers-in-law is that sometimes, they drive us a little nuts. Maybe that's just part of the package?

I don't think we should just ‘get over it’ if we feel hurt by our mothers-in-law. It’s just not that easy. The truth is, though… they pushed our partners out of their bodies and for that they deserve just a few props. I know, I know… just stick with me on this one…

Many of us treat our mothers-in-law like they’re in the way, they’re the reason for all havoc breaking loose…and maybe in some cases they absolutely are. But the bottom line- they love their kid and they are jealous as hell. Justifiably so.

I mean, lets just get down to it. They get pregnant. Maybe they’re excited, and maybe they’re not. They push out a kid, they raise them fabulously or horribly, attentively or neglectfully. They deal with all the frustration, joy, emotion, and everything in between that comes with raising that child. THEN, we come along.

We get to fall in love with that human being and they get to fall in love with us…by choice. We don't to choose our parents, but we get to choose our partner. We get to reap the benefits and rewards of their mother's work...their kid. I would imagine that for many mom's, that's not so easy to digest. No matter how charming you are.

So, they changed diapers and dealt with emotional stuff and took care of their kid the best they could with what they had. Admit it. Then a pretty young thang comes along and gets to make googly eyes while they sit there realizing that one of the people keeping them busy, making them feel needed…is out the door… like, really. Emotionally, moving forward...sometimes translated by a mother as… moving on. I imagine like crazy that that can be a painfully rough feeling inside… no matter how much she loves or doesn’t love who her kid chose.

All I’m saying is that even though mothers-in-law can be, well, lots of things… they helped make our partners who they are today, either by being great moms or not so great moms. It couldn’t hurt to spend a little more time thanking them for pushing out the loves of our lives. Literally.

Some mothers-in-law are amazing fabulous confident women who joyfully send their child off into adulthood with no reservations… some are not. Let’s look at those mothers-in-law of the world in a new way, under a new light. Let’s choose to be thankful for them. Let’s choose to respect them. Not because of who they are, but because of who they created.

No matter how difficult this might sound… A “thank you for bringing my partner into this world. You have given me the most amazing gift I could ever ask for” from you would send your mother-in-law over the edge… in a delicious amazing possibly life altering way. Try it. Yes…really.

And then let me know how it goes.

And that’s the thing about mothers-in-law.


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Thursday, August 20, 2009

The thing about long distance relationships...

Dear Brooke,

I have been dating the most amazing man for the past 5 months (we'll call him Jake). But it just so happens that this amazing man lives 1500 miles away! (I'm in Chicago and he's in New York). I love him with all my heart and cannot picture my life without him, but there is always that lingering questions of...who will have to give when it comes to moving?

Both of us have pretty settled lives in our respective cities. Jake is currently a student and including law school, he still has another 5 years left. I work for a prominent Illinois politician and love what I am doing. We have discussed the possibility of one of us moving (he could look at law schools in Chicago and I have looked into a job in politics in New York), but neither one of us are gung-ho about packing up and leaving.

After a very long talk one night, Jake finally broke down and said he didn't think he could move to Chicago. Not because he didn't love me or love the city itself, but he couldn't imagine leaving his family. Jake is about 7 years younger than me and in all honesty, when I was his age, I couldn't imagine leaving my family either. But as I've gotten older, my objection to moving has diminished a bit and I confessed that I would move to the East Coast if that is where he decided to go to law school.

When I said that I would consider moving to New York, he said that he would feel incredibly guilty if I moved for him...because he wouldn't do the same for me. Without sounding too dramatic, does this mean that I love him more than he loves me? Or am I reading too much into it? I know he loves me and cares for me immensely, but should I worry that at this point he can't see himself moving to Chicago? Part of me believes because he is much younger than me, his views on moving/leaving his family may change, but I don't want to bank on it.

I know I have met the man of my dreams, but should I see his hesitance to move as a red flag?

Living in Chicago, while my heart is in New York

Dear my sweet sweet Chi-Town love,

So first and foremost, I can visualize your googly eyes and smitten smile from here. You seem very much in love. So yummy. So delish.

One of the things that I promise to my readers, and to you, is that I will never pretend to know what I don’t know. I’m fabulously human, and proud of it. Nothing is black and white. Every situation has color, texture, and feelings that are different from the next, different from the rest. Every relationship is different. That being said…

I don’t know Jake. I love that he’s being honest about his present feelings and limitations, but I can’t tell you why he doesn’t want to move to Chicago. Maybe it’s his age, or the city, or his readiness for an intense commitment? Maybe he just loves his life in NYC and wants you to be in it…there? Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Would he be willing to let the relationship end if you weren’t willing to move? I don’t have that information. I don’t know why he feels guilty for letting you come to him, and what that’s all about. All questions to be curious about. All things to consider asking. Soon.

But for right now… even though you may think that all of those details matter, they really don’t. Let me explain…

My hope for you my love is that you can get quiet with yourself and listen. Listen to that inner voice that we all have. Some may think it’s fluff, but I say with confidence, if you don’t think you have an inner voice, well, then your just not listening.

What do you really feel? Do you really feel that Jake doesn’t love you as much as you love him? Do you really feel that you’re the weaker link in this relationship because you are willing to compromise and try something new? Do you really feel like you love this person enough to take a chance, to take a risk? Do you really feel like Chicago has a no return policy?

Speaking of feeling…we don’t do it enough. We think too much. Sometimes all of our thoughts are on the prom dance floor twirling around, having a blast, and our feelings are sitting on the side, wishing someone would invite them in.

I can’t tell you what to do. I can’t make any decision for you. But I can give you this challenge: Feel about it for a while, pause on the thinking about it part. When you come to your deepest gut feeling, when your inner voice catches your attention…be there for a while. Then think. Job, housing, money, realistic, whatever. But for right now, just feel about it.

Any decision you make is yours. You own it. Choose to allow that decision to empower you. Don’t let it be about “giving in”. Compromise is not a sign of weakness, contrary to popular belief. If you decide to move, you’re not moving because he won’t, you’re moving because you are choosing to. I know this may not be what you wanted to hear. You wanted the answer, right? Sorry gorgeous. It lives in you, not me. You already got the goods my dear.

So here it is. The thing about long distance relationships is that there is no one thing about long distance relationships. Every relationship is different. Thank goodness. The reason someone moves or doesn’t, the reason the relationship works or doesn’t...different every time. The only person who knows what to do, what the next step is… is the person in it, feeling it. And in this case sweet thing, it’s you.

Congratulations, you get to be in charge of your life.


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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The thing about loving your outside...

The thing about loving your outside…your body…this vehicle that drives you around life- is that it takes work. Just like any other relationship. It takes time, commitment, focus.

Unfortunately, we don’t live in a society that makes it very easy for us to love every part of ourselves. Actually, sometimes the world we live in makes us feel egotistical, and conceited when we do love our outsides. Nuts I tell ya. Nuts.

Loving your outside is important. Like, really important. It’s not about looks, or weight, or having trendy clothes or whatever…that stuff is just a distraction, believe me. It’s about respecting and being kind to this amazing container that we are all blessed with. Yes, our bodies are our container, holding the best present in the world...our inner gorgeous amazing juicy complex …selves. So stop trashing the wrapping paper people. Have some respect, there are diamonds inside.

Here’s my proposal... Let’s fall in love with our gift box one part at a time. Let’s start with the foundation…our legs. Seriously. Let’s just fall madly, deeply, and passionately in love with our legs. Make a decision. Decide that the most important love affair in your life right now, is with your legs.

Take your legs out on a date, wear short skirts, or for my male readers, if skirts aren’t your thing- show off those calves somehow, some way. Shave every day-or don’t if that’s your style…whatever feels delicious in your world… do it. Thank your legs for holding your entire body up. Appreciate your legs for resting or sitting or folding or walking. Ya, thank your legs for walking. And if your legs don’t work the way you wish they did… send them love. Big love.

Wear t-shirts around the house and that’s it. Let your legs be seen and free. Tell them how sexy they are. Even if you don’t think they are… tell them they are. They need to hear it, and you need to practice saying it. Touch your legs, flirt with them. Celebrate your thighs. I’m not kidding people, celebrate your damn thighs.

Go out with your friends and have an “I love my legs night out” Go to dinner. Talk about your legs and where they’ve taken you…and where they’ve helped you get away from. Talk about when your legs took you dancing or allowed you to take a break. Talk about your legs like you talk about your other relationships. Respect them. Appreciate them. Share your leg stories. Try it. Yes, seriously.

Really…It’s time. It’s time we take a different approach to loving our bodies. We live inside these amazing vessels, yet we trash them and put them down. It makes no sense. Enough already.

Let’s take it one part at a time. Fall in love with your legs. And then send your leg-love stories to

And that’s the thing about loving your outside.


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Thursday, August 13, 2009

The thing about a kid whose parents get divorced...

Dear Brooke,

My first wife and I divorced 7 years ago. We had a daughter together who is now 10. My ex-wife is very neurotic and controlling, which was one of the many issues that led up to our divorce. I get my daughter 3 weekends a month. Since I live close by, I can see her whenever I want.

Since my daughter is her mother's only child, they have a very close relationship. My daughter's mom is overly protective of her. My problem is I feel that my ex-wife is turning my daughter into her. Since my marriage ended, I have gone on to remarry (5 years ago) and have 2 more children. The ex is still single with a series of failed relationships behind her.

Some examples I have may be petty on my part. Let’s call my daughter Jane. Jane has her own cell phone. She feels the need to call her mom over any concerns or feelings she has while she is staying with me. This is something that her mom did / continues to do with her mom (my ex-mother-in-law). This can get extremely intrusive during dinner or family time.

Jane is slightly allergic to peanuts. Whenever we buy a cake for birthdays including hers, she will insist on reading the ingredients to make sure there are no peanuts in it or made in a factory that processed anything with peanuts. Then, she will proceed to take out her cell phone and call her mom and read the label to her and reconfirm that she shouldn't eat the cake. This was done yesterday for my birthday celebration that left me, my wife, and our guests uncomfortable.

Jane’s mother never cared much about her appearance. She would often throw on whatever clothes were clean and would fit. She could care less about having her hair styled, nails done, etc. This progressively got worse when we married. This attribute has been passed on to my daughter. Her clothes are clean, but atrocious in fit and style. We make attempts to get her nice clothes, but she doesn't want to wear them and refuses to take them home. We get hair products so she can do something other than "just brush it" or "throw it up." My wife is often embarrassed to be seen in public with her. She often sticks out when we are out as a family.

I am at my wit's end about this. I recently told Jane that I want to move away from where we live when she is 18; she'll be an adult going to college and my family and I will begin a new chapter in our lives. I let her know that she will always have a place with us, but I cross fingers hoping this doesn't happen for the above mentioned reasons. Sometimes, I feel like dropping her off at her mom's house and telling her that I can't deal with her anymore and getting on with my life, which would include moving up my plans to leave the area 7 to 8 years ahead of schedule.

Jane has unconditional love for me. Although I think about her everyday and worry for her, I don't think my love is as unconditional and I feel very guilty about it. My current wife dreads when Jane comes over because it is like having my ex-wife here, but she is a great sister to our daughters. Our older child counts down the days when Jane comes here and loves to play and hang out with her. Secretly, my wife and I count down the hours that I drop Jane off with her mom.

I think back to a time when things were much simpler in life 7 years ago; I was single it was just Jane and me on the weekends. There was no problem taking her as she was, unconditionally. Now, things are complicated and it takes every once of will power I have not to tell her I feel. Maybe I'm thinking too much into this whole thing. I hope and pray to myself that one day, Jane will rebel against her mom's influence; that she'll want to have a normal mother-daughter relationship rather than the pathological one I observe.

Thanks for "listening",

Frustrated Dad

Dear Frustrated Dad,

I really could write a response to so many different parts of your letter, it’s almost overwhelming for me to even attempt. I’m truly flattered and overjoyed that you wrote… because I think this will be an amazing lesson for so many people. Thank you for being the guinea pig… There is huge potential here for you to become unbelievably stronger after this… and a better dad. The truth is, this dynamic happens way more often than people realize.

OK, I’m just gonna go for it. I hope you're sitting. Digest this as you will…

It seems that the thing you dislike most about your daughter and being around her is that she reminds you of the past. She reminds you of the feelings you had when you were in your unhappy marriage. She reminds you of the life that you were so overjoyed to leave behind. But guess what… you don’t get to leave it fully behind…if you want to be an accountable, responsible adult that is.

You don’t get to fall out of love with the woman you made a child with, and then expect that child to be nothing like, have nothing to do with, or remind you nothing… of her mother. You are trying to say…’never mind, I want a do-over’, and my love, that’s just not part of the deal. You divorced your daughter’s mother, your daughter didn’t. She gets to remain connected. At whatever level she wants. That’s her mother.

At ten years old, three when her parents got divorced, it’s not her responsibility to be nothing like her mother. To not need her mother. It’s your responsibility, as an adult, and as her father… to learn to separate your feelings towards your first marriage, with the feelings you have towards your daughter. She doesn’t deserve to be the container for your past and the negative feelings you associate with it. She gets to be separate. She is not her mother, no matter how much she reminds you of her. She is not your first marriage, no matter how much she reminds you of it. She is a human being that you helped create. She is Jane.

Your opinion that she has “atrocious” clothing and makes your guests “uncomfortable” when calling her mother at dinner… Your wife’s “embarrassment” of your daughter or her particular hair style…well my darling dad… this is all about your judgment…in general, and of your past and of your ex. You don’t want your past creeping up into your nice pretty new package of a life. I know, harsh… I just care about ya too much to let you do this. You feel unhappy that your daughter “sticks out” when you are a family because, well, you don’t really see her as part of your new family, as part of your present life, do you? You look at her, and you see your ex. And that’s just not fair. Get it? I think you get it.

A moment for a breath, or an OMMM, or whatever you need… OK, moving on…

This is a kid who was three years old when her parents got divorced… so I’m going to give you a itsy bitsy mini lesson about what happens, when that happens…

The thing about a kid whose parents get divorced is that they are fractured. A kid whose parents get divorced is living on the fault line of an earthquake all the time. Like, all the time. They feel unsafe. They feel insecure. They wonder if they should have ever been born…after all, their parents want to move on, right?

Divorce rocks a kid’s world. And then, that’s what they know. They know things fall apart without understanding why. They know instability. They know going from family to family, house to house. They know what falling out of love looks like. They know not feeling like they really belong anywhere. They know that their parents, the people that made them, don’t love each other any more, and might not even like each other anymore. Ugh. What a crappy feeling.

What your daughter saw and understood about life, from a very early age is that, you can’t control it… no matter how hard you try, no matter how bad you want to. You can’t stop the earthquake. She always feels unsafe. Anything anyone can do to make her feel loved, welcome, secure, SAFE… she’ll take it. Even if it means latching onto mom or making sure there are no peanuts in the cake.

PS. There is NO divorce manual, so no one ever expected you to know all of this. That’s again, why I’m so glad you wrote. Go you, you trying-to-figure-it all-out-man, you. I feel proud of you already. And… there is major hope and possibility for good delicious change.

OK, let's recap (this was a long one)… First. Jane=Jane. Not past, not ex wife. Second. Jane’s mom=Jane’s mom. No matter what you think of her, she is still Jane’s mommy. Don’t take that mother-daughter bond away…please please please. It’s just too important- and yes, it will grow and change and develop as time passes. Three. Jane=a kid whose parents got divorced and when her dad fell out of love with her mom, he accidentally fell a little out of love with her, and on some level, she knows it. Yuck. And four. You= man with amazing potential to be a wonderful father to all your children. It’s time.

My advice: Has your daughter been in therapy since the divorce? She needs to be. She really does. Why? Because she needs help to process all of her feelings and all of her fractures so she can have a life where she feels safe and loved and knows how to have healthy relationships in her future.

And Sir Dad… I would love to see you in therapy also. Family therapy. Personal therapy. Why? Because it will help you make sense of it all. It will help you hold all of this confusion. It will help you see your daughter for who she is, and who she isn’t. It will help you become a more well rounded, whole, open, and understanding person who really gets it. It’s an investment and it’s worth it. Your wife should go too. She needs to get it also. Email me at and let me know the area where you live. I’ll help you get on the path of finding a therapist. Yes, it means that much to me.

Your family and all of its beautiful parts has such potential to be strong… functional… and a deep source of joy for all of you. I feel so blessed to be part of your journey. Now, go hug your daughter. Tight. Like, really tight.

Love love love.

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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The thing about being normal...

The thing about being normal is that I have no idea what that means. Seriously, what is normal?

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine when she said “I just want to be normal already!" and I asked, "What does that even look like?" She proceeded to tell me that she wanted to have no worries, no problems, and no stresses. She wanted to have no drama, and wanted to know herself through and through…never feeling angry or unbalanced. For instance, like her sister. Um, Ya right, I thought to myself. Is that normal…or delusional?

So, what is normal anyway? Curious, I went to a dictionary online which states normal is “conforming to the standard or the common type” Hm. Conforming, huh? Personally, when I conform to what is seen to be standard, I feel… well, abnormal. Out of my skin. Fake. Fraudulent. Like an impostor. When I’m not me- when I’m trying to be the me that makes me more like, well, anyone other than me…normal is the farthest from how I feel. You follow?

The only time I feel normal per-say is when I’m myself through and through. That’s when I feel grounded, tall (energetically, lets be honest), strong. It’s when I kindly ask for what I need and kindly decline what I don’t. It’s when I tell someone…respectfully, honestly, gently …how I feel. It’s when I express myself. Myself. Not the standard or common type.

There is nothing normal about amazing I-wouldn’t-want-a life-without-it things, like creativity or nature or beauty. What is normal about the ocean? That gorgeous mass of life and love and color is not standard. Not common. Real. I’ll say it again… real. Yum.

My mom always said… “If everyone in the world were the same, life would be boring.” I couldn’t agree more.

And that’s the thing about being normal.


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Thursday, August 6, 2009

The thing about falling in love with multiple people...

Dear Brooke,
What are your thoughts on polyamory? Not as an institution (as in the Mormon faith, where men have multiple wives) but as a legitimate feeling men and women who are partnered might have toward someone outside of their marriage/partnership. Is it possible to truly love multiple people with equal depth?
--Questioning Quinn.

Dear Quinn,

My thoughts, huh? OK darling, here are my thoughts…

First of all, a little thing about love. Love is a tool we unconsciously and justifiably use to allow undeveloped or underdeveloped parts of ourselves grow to their full capacity. Being in love and having someone in love with us helps us become the whole beings that we deserve and are capable of being… to essentially, find ourselves. Yes, in my opinion, love helps us find ourselves.

Some would disagree with me… they say that you need to find yourself before you find love. That is beautiful indeed, but not always how it goes. You can find yourself before you find love, of course. But human beings are social creatures. We develop based on our relationships with others. Every relationship we have helps us on our personal journey towards growing into our best selves. Loving relationships and all that comes with them, help us to get to know ourselves well enough to fall in love with who we are. Just to be clear, I do think you need to believe and feel you are loveable or worthy of love before you find love. Make sense?

So, that leads me to my understanding of what it means to be in love with more than one person at the same time... I believe it’s possible. But the real question is why? Why does someone risk the relationship they already committed to in order to be with two people at the same time? We aren’t talking about people who are un-happy in their current relationship or situation and cheat and don’t have the guts to speak up and get help, right? We are talking about truly, madly, deeply loving two people at once and feeling confused and torn about it…

The thing about people who fall in love with multiple people at the same time are searching. They are looking for themselves… and on some level, hoping to find that inner self…within others. We all do it in some way. We look for ourselves in so many things-including food, clothes, cars, drugs, alcohol…and other people. Usually, the last place we look to find ourselves is within.

Falling in love with multiple people at once, stretching your heart out, and causing pain to your current partner… that is a deep need to tap into an inner part of oneself that has not yet been developed. People that love multiple people are also looking to be loved by multiple people. They want to prove over and over that they are lovable, that they are important, that they matter. They have so much in their inner world that they are unconsciously looking, seeking, yearning to expand and are willing to put other peoples hearts on the line…it feels that important for them.

Just a side note: sometimes, when a person who does not feel loveable or important on a deep inner level…being loved can feel like love, and hence confusion. Some fall in love with…being loved. Get it? Ok, moving on…

Do I believe in searching for yourself and deliberately making attempts towards wholeness? Yes. Do I think there are better ways than having a relationship outside the one you are committed to or being with someone who is already committed? Um, ya. Hell ya. But, hey, that’s just me. People who fall in love with multiple people at the same time are not bad people. They are searching.

But this isn’t about judging, this is about looking, being curious, wondering… why do people do the things they do? What are all the different destructive ways we attempt to feel loved, to feel heard, to feel seen, to feel fulfilled?

This question is full of possible opinions and commentary and and and… but those, honey, are my thoughts…


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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The thing about this past week...

The thing about this past week is that I’ve had a weird emotional week… that included writers block. Really. That’s the truth. Weird. Emotional. Writer’s block. I sat in front of my computer countless times and typed “the thing about…” in as many fonts as my computer allows. And nothin’. It scared me. I know this happens… but I’ve never been one to have a loss for words. I love writing. I love talking. I love this blog.

Why am I telling you this? There’s a good reason. Here’s the story…

During these past few days of blockage an amazing, beautiful, smart, delicious woman who I have been blessed to call my friend for 15 years was lovingly supporting me and asked “So, what is the mission statement of Soap Box Therapy?” The mission statement? Well, now that’s one question I don’t have an answer to. It got me thinking…’cause that’s what I do.

I thought about the expectations we put on ourselves and others. To be or look or say or do… everything right. I thought about how people don’t always think about where others might be coming from- that their past led them to act or say or be a certain way, and they deserve to be understood. I thought about my deep belief that we are all born good, no exceptions…I thought about really angry people and how hard it must be to live in their shoes. I thought about how curiosity is the sexiest quality in a partner. I thought about my philosophy on life… that we all need to be seen for who we really are, be heard for what we really say and be loved in a way that makes us feel like the universe is damn lucky to have us around.

That’s what I thought about.

Then I realized… the reason I started Soap Box Therapy is to have a space to give people the permission to be themselves, everything included. I decided that if this is what I want to preach, I better get on board and practice it. So, I’m coming clean. I’m being myself. I’m telling you I had writers block. I’m telling you that sometimes I want to write something that I’m proud of, but it just doesn’t happen, and then I judge myself for not being…whatever enough. And then it goes away...and then it comes back another time. And I continue to grow. Love it.

Is that my mission statement? I’m not sure, I’m still working on it. But, in the meantime…I invite you to join me. Be yourself. Come clean. Take off your mask. Allow whatever is there, to be there. Be curious about yourself, it’s sexy.

Love love love,

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