SoapBox Therapy

The thing about being thankful...

2009-11-25T10:23:00.001-08:00

The thing about being thankful is that I am... from my Soapbox on the new Soapbox Therapy Website...

See you at www.soapboxtherapy.com

Thank you for your support!!!!

Love love love,
Brooke.

The thing about feelings...

2009-11-17T11:23:00.000-08:00

The thing about feelings is that all they want is to be felt. They want to do their job…is that too much to ask? Well apparently, yes it is. We all have feelings, it’s part of the deal… but if we’re not huge fans of those feelings then we work overtime to pile on supposed to and if only I and I should or I shouldn’t until all we have is a big confusing mass of what used to be feelings, but now has mutated into judgment like nobody’s business. Awesome.

We’re pros at not feeling our feelings. We get dumped and through our tears we say, “I don’t care, whatever” Um, are you kidding me? We have so much shame and guilt attached to our feelings that it makes me, well, feel a little bummed.

It’s as if feeling hurt all of the sudden means you’re weak, or feeling anxious all of the sudden means you’re obsessive. Somehow, at some point, we decided that we need to be blank vessels with no wrinkles or birthmarks or movement or blood or guts or feelings. Just stand still, look pretty, and don’t breathe too hard or your hair will get messed up. Why can’t our feelings be free of judgment, and just move through us and do their job?

Once we’ve buried our feelings under judgment, our newly lowered self esteem becomes the focus. Now our bodies and our minds and our juiciness inside is all confused… because our actual feelings are being ignored like the plague and we can’t stop wondering why we are so ridiculous for feeling anything at all.

Once we give ourselves permission to feel our feelings, the ugly-upsetting-mess of judgment that we’ve gotten ourselves into shifts into a beautiful-perfect-mess of a real live human. The judgment lifts and we can focus on what’s really going on.

No part of me is saying that our feelings are easy to feel. That’s called denial dear. What I’m saying is, dealing with our feelings is hard enough as it is…we are complex and insanely unbelievable creatures and working with and through our feelings is not only deeply important but takes time and energy and love like crazy…judgment in the kind of doses we’re capable of makes that pretty much impossible.

It’s time to release yourself from thinking you should or shouldn’t feel a certain way, it’s time to liberate yourself from being a blank slate and embrace your blood and guts and bona fide human-being-ness. Feeling sad my love? Cry cry and cry more. And a little more. Feeling angry? Scream your amazing lungs out like you own it. Feeling anxious? Invite it in and don’t forget that it belongs to you, you call the shots. Feeling joyful? You’re doing a disservice to the world if you don’t show it all over your gorgeous face.

Now breathe and thank yourself for being alive and feeling every minute of it.

And that’s the thing about feelings.

Love,
Brooke

Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com and become a fan of SoapBox Therapy on facebook!

The thing about caring what other people think...

2009-11-09T07:17:00.000-08:00

The thing about caring what other people think is that it’s OK. Oh, and it’s human and healthy and perfect and reasonable and natural. So there. Really? Yes, really.

But, there’s a catch.

Imagine a unique and gorgeous glass cup. Fragile, fabulous, and full…sometimes. This cup represents how you and others see you-how amazing you believe and know yourself to be-your confidence. Guess who fills that glass? Other people. I know, I’m confusing all of the messages about self esteem you’ve ever gotten… so let’s clear it up and make sense of it all.

Human beings are relational creatures. We need one another. We need to know we’re heard for what we’re saying, seen for who we are, understood for how we feel, praised for being frikin’ amazing. We need to hear it. We need to feel it. We need someone to look at us and touch us in a way that says…I get you. We need to know that others notice us, love us, and are proud of us. It’s part of being human.

That being said my loves, no matter how many compliments you get about your inside, your outside, your talents, your intelligence, and anything and everything in-between....nothing will stay in that glass if there’s no bottom. Ya, that’s the catch…

The only way for everything poured into your inner glass to stay put and fill you up is to create, build, and sustain a strong glass bottom. That bottom darlings, is the love from within.

Some people have such strong bottoms that they hold in love from others for extended periods of time… they stay full all the time. Those people pretty much don’t exist, let’s be honest. Some people have leaks; love from others seeps out and needs to be refilled. Welcome to being mortal. And others really have no bottom to claim, and all the love and approval they receive enters and exits in almost the same moment…and they need more, like now.

When I hear someone say, “I don’t care what people think of me” I get very curious. Curious because in my book, that’s a big bunch of you know what-just not possible. Like I said, caring is part of being human. When people say they don’t care what others think, in my world, it means one of two things….

One. Their glass bottom is so strong in that moment that it’s holding in love and approval to the top. They’re full. They don’t need any more approval at that moment. These times are amazing and beautiful and delicious, but can be rare, so savor every second of it.

Two. Their glass bottom is so deeply fractured that they just keep saying they don’t care what others think with the secret hope that they actually might be able to convince others, and themselves, that it’s true.

Now what? Well, have a little love.

Send love toward yourself, build your glass bottom. Feed yourself with compliments. Tell yourself how damn hot you are and how ridiculously intelligent you are. You know it’s true! And have a little love for others. Everyone needs it. If you have something nice to say, say it. Do your best to be patient with those who need a more constant stream- they have their reasons.

All of us want to be filled and feel fulfilled…we need each others help. Go ahead my darlings, care what people think…just be mindful of the leaks.

And that’s the thing about caring what other people think

Love,
Brooke.

The thing about dance...

2009-10-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

Neither pop culture nor day to day life has been the focus of SoapBox thus far, though both delicious topics full of fabulousness. Themes- life themes, have been where it’s at for me. Recently, though, I can’t help but find myself pulled when it comes to dance...both a new and improved pop culture language, and in my world, a metaphor for life. The joy is almost too much to take.

Dance has been in the headlines and all over TV lately. Dance shows and competitions and everything in between. Technique and emotion all wrapped up into 5,000 hours of television that makes your eyes sting and your heart go pitter patter. Good times. Really though, when I see what’s going on-how dance has infiltrated the airwaves- I wonder, are people finally getting the memo?

Movement and flow, change and transformation, rhythm and pace. That’s dance. And that also happens to be life. Are we finally opening up to the fact that our minds and our bodies are connected? Are we finally, as a culture, embracing the unbelievable machines that our bodies are, and thanking them for being so frikin’ gorgeous and talented and smart and and and? Are we getting there at last?

Granted, the shows are full of people who have danced for years upon years and have strong bodies and technique to prove it. But regardless, it still seems to me that doors are opening for people to finally realize and celebrate this deeply juicy and important metaphor.

The thing about dance is that it’s what we do… it’s all we do. Yes, even you my love, even you. Each moment of this amazing and confusing life is a flow, a back and forth, a breathing deeply, a here and there and everywhere in-between. Every relationship we have is a dance. Some moments are flawless, and others toes are being stepped on at each turn. Some moments we recover quickly, and others, well, we need a minute, or a week, or a year…or 5.

The way we treat ourselves is a dance. Some days we love ourselves, and others we can’t seem to look an inch past our judgments. Every moment is a pull and a push, a lift and a spin. We are left invigorated, dizzy, joyful, backwards. We love at the same time as we hurt, we mourn at the same time as we celebrate, we laugh in the very same moments we cry.

And the music… music speaks to everyone differently. We all speak different languages. It’s part of the deal. It’s what makes us, well, us. Being caring and curious about others is about opening your ears to their music, their rhythms. It’s about opening your heart to understand what they feel, experience how they move and shift, and appreciate how their body responds to the beat.

Sometimes you know the steps, and sometimes you have no clue what you’re doing. Have a love affair with your dance, with your knowing, and with your missteps. I officially give you permission to step on toes, and welcome your toes to be stepped on. I invite you to enjoy the dance… because dancing is what we humans do.

And that’s the thing about dance.

Love,
Brooke.

The thing about our emotions...

2009-10-22T22:22:00.000-07:00

Hiya, Brooke.

The Setup: I am the last of 7 children. A VERY long story cut out completely, I want nothing to do with my second oldest brother. I adopted the philosophy several years ago of not keeping people or things in my life that were negative. He didn't make the cut.

While I am perfectly okay with it, and my brother also has done nothing to change the situation, it does occasionally create problems between me and my mom, who I call at least 4 times a week. She'll remind me it's his birthday, or his anniversary. Or his wife's birthday. Or that she's going to a party there. I've tried telling her that I don't need THOSE updates, thank you, she can tell me about anyone or anything else. I live 600 miles away from the rest of the family, so accidental contact isn't really going to be a problem.

Well, that's the background. Now the question. I am terrified that my mom, who is getting up there in years, might one day have to move out of the house we all grew up in, and move in with this brother that I can not stand. She's the type that would rather die in her own bed when that time comes, but I am still worried he might talk her into moving in with him at some point. Then, I would never get to talk to her again. That's my worry.

I want to know how to bring up my concerns to my mom, in a way that gets more of a response than "You're being stupid, I don't want to hear it" from her.

Or, I guess, how can I get over needing an answer to this question without talking to her about it?

Thanks.

Last Child in Stone Ridge.

Dear Stone Ridge,

While I don’t know the “very long story” I can sense from your words how strongly you feel about this situation. Your brother and you are on the outs, with no interest on either side to reconcile… it is what it is. That being said, in order to maintain the relationships you do care about, it’s important to consider some other angles of this story…

So let’s just get right to it…

It’s one thing to be disconnected with your brother and not want him in your life. But you and he have something very much in common. A mother. Just like a divorced couple that has a child. In order to make life for that child the best it can be, some parents will go to the ends of the earth to be cordial and respect one another- for their kid. I think you can learn a lot from this model.

You may not need the updates on your brother and his family. This is true. But what’s also true is that your mom feels a need to give them. It’s her way of showing how bummed she is that you guys aren’t connected. She’s a mother of 7 children…and 2 of her kids don’t speak. I can’t imagine how painful that must be for her to experience. I’m definitely not saying you should reconnect with your brother because your mom is upset, but I do think that her passive messages are something to think about…

Ok…I think you get that part. Next part…

You wrote something very interesting and worth taking a look at. You wrote that if your mom moved in with your brother you would never get to talk to her again. Get? Hm.

Saying that you won’t ever get to talk with your mom again is basically like saying that you don’t have control over the communication, that you don’t have a choice, that someone else will be deciding for you. Totally disempowering darling! When it comes down to it, the only thing you get to do, is decide for yourself. My dear last child in stone ridge, it’s time to take your power back. You’ve given your feelings towards your brother all of the power. You’ve lost yourself in your emotions.

The thing about our emotions is that we own their efforts, their time, their power. They belong to us, and no one else. We call the shots. We get to choose where to spend our emotional energy, and where to conserve. Your anger towards your brother is yours… you get to decide what to do with it. You can let it come between you and your mother, or not.

Taking your power and your emotional energy back may look different to different people… but what I know for sure is what it won’t look like... it won’t look like you on the defense, as if things are being done to you. When you take your emotional energy back, you’ll have the freedom to talk to your mother, no matter where she calls home.

Lastly. You asked if this was something you should talk with your mom about. In my opinion, this is not your mom’s fish to fry. This is a decision that you have to make, because your emotions are yours and yours only. You have a choice regarding how you’re going to handle your anger and dislike towards your brother, and how you are going to make this about you rather than about your mom.

My hope for you Stone Ridge, is that just as you know that not speaking with your brother is your choice. Speaking with your mom is also your choice. You get… to choose.

Love,
Brooke.

Please send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com! Your identity will always be kept private.

The thing about the battle between selfish and selfless...

2009-10-20T09:57:00.000-07:00

There’s an interesting little social battle between the words, selfish and selfless. Everyone wants to be called selfless. Supposedly, selfless people are the nice people. God forbid someone calls you selfish, right?

It’s become understood in our society that selfish is the name you get called after a fight, or in the midst of one. And selfless is the name you get called when someone is complimenting your human-hood. I’m not so into these being the only options. It’s like only having the choice of a crappy unhealthy fast food restaurant, and a ridiculously pricey vegan bistro. There can’t be just selfish and selfless. We’re missing a few levels.

I’m in the business of thinking about things, ideas, experiences, emotions, and words. So, here I go, doing my job again. Let’s pick apart selfish and selfless…This is so much fun I can hardly stand it.

OK, Selfish. Self is of course, my favorite part of the word. Hopefully by now you, my loving gorgeous SoapBox readers, know what capital S, Self means. But just in case…Self is all of it, all of you, all of your deliciousness inside, all of the real you, your inner gold and your inner core, all of your million complex parts. Ok, sorry, I get excited about the Self stuff.

And what about this whole ish thing? According to the dictionary “ish” is a suffix used to form adjectives from nouns, with the sense of “belonging to”…

So, selfish means, belonging to your Self. Moving on…

The word selfless really freaks me out. I mean, think about it. Self. Less. Less of yourself. Oye. That’s my most scary thought. Everything I talk about, every passionate moment on my SoapBox is about inviting yourself and your Self in. So, extreme selflessness is on a really scary road towards, well, self-gone.

So, now what? We don’t want to be too selfish, ‘cause we are part of a whole world here. And if we’re too selfless, we begin to lose ourselves. What to do, what to do.

It seems that many peoples cure to selfishness is to become ferociously selfless. And when people are so selfless that they start to lose themselves, they fantasize about doing things only for them, and that’s it. Why either/or? Neither really get me excited.

So, imagine a chart. At the top is Selfish. Then all the way on the other end… Selfless. There is a ton of space in-between, just waiting to be filled with color and texture and balance and the in-between.

There are so many unbelievably important levels of selfishness and selflessness. Surprise…there is healthy selfishness. And there is a reasonable and beautiful level of selflessness.

The thing about the battle between selfish and selfless is that it’s actually not a battle at all…they work best when they work together. I say, invite them both into your world. Let them balance each other out, intertwine, dance. I’m so over the either/or way of living…

Consider rethinking your black and white thinking. The relationship between selfishness and selflessness is such a great example of how life, pretty much all the time, leaves space for color. I call non-black and white thinking, “the color” rather than “the gray area” …and one day I’ll tell you why. But for now, just live in the rainbow. Go with it, invite it all in.

Be selfish sometimes…after all, you do belong to yourself in so many beautiful ways. And, of course, you want to prepare your strong fabulous self to be selfless sometimes…because after all, losing yourself in service and love for others feels pretty damn good.

And that’s the thing about the battle between selfish and selfless…

Love,
Brooke.

The thing about restructuring...

2009-10-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

Have you read those books about dreams…the ones that tell you, when your dream has to do with you being naked it’s a sure sign anxiety dream…and so on? Sometimes those books hit the nail on the head, they give that ah-ha moment we all want when we wake up wondering, “Whoa, what was that all about?” But by far my favorite dream “symbol” … a house.

The house represents, well, our home. And if you’ve been reading SoapBox like I know you have, you know that according to me, our real home isn’t actually the house we live in, it’s our bodies and our selves… it’s our gorgeous fabulous juicy unbelievable sparkling selves to be exact… and our emotions, experiences, stories, pasts, and everything in between.

Just like a in a house, we have emotional upkeep. But when we begin to notice changes we need to make in our lives, habits we want to break, reality we want to face, and shifts we want to make… it’s kinda’ like restructuring an already built home. Which is a ridiculous amount of work.

We often just paint, patch, seal, and cover up. The task of fixing the crack in the foundation is often too difficult to bare. So we leave it. And we build on top of it. We decorate. We accessorize. We even invite others in, we entertain, and we build relationships under our roof. All the while, there are cracks beneath our well intentioned feet…

It’s not like the cracks aren’t workable, fixable if you will. But we have to be willing to do the work. Covering it up only lasts so long. This is why reaching out, asking for help, or going to therapy is so hard…and so amazing. Because therapy, for example, asks you to do the housework you’ve been putting off for as long as you can remember. It asks you to go to the ground floor, way back when your inner self was being built, to find where it’s all coming from.

The thing about restructuring is that it’s challenging-for sure, but if you don’t do it, things can begin to fall apart in front of your pretty little face. One of the hardest things to do in life is admit that there’s an issue beneath it all, admit that change needs to happen… or consider that the way you've been doing things aint working. Money, relationships, career... no one wants to scream from the rooftops... "I’ve been going about this all wrong!"

The first step. Come clean. Admit that there may be a crack in the foundation, in the structure of things. Admit that your behaviors aren’t bringing your most authentic self to the table.

Breaking down walls is no easy feat. You built those walls around you, over you and under you for a reason damn it! To keep yourself and everyone else from knowing your stuff. Sometimes the issues lie so deeply that we need someone to help us scoop them out. And that is the most OK thing ever. Beautiful.

So, moral of the story… if you have a dream about a house-any house. It’s really about you my love. Restructuring is hard and ugly sometimes but so worth it. And reaching out and asking for help. Delicious.

And that’s the thing about restructuring.

Love,
Brooke.

The thing about red flags...

2009-10-08T12:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Brooke,

I am feeling conflicted about several aspects of my relationship. I met my boyfriend a year and a half ago. Neither of us has had prior marriages and neither have children. He is 39 and I am 32. When we first met, he informed me that he "wasn’t sure about getting married and was probably too old for children". I made it pretty clear to him that there wouldn't be a second or third date because I do want to find my life partner and have children. He backed off and said that if he connected with the right person, it could be an option. Hello red flag...if it aint a burning desire and a priority in your life than we're not meant to be....I chose to ignore this red flag, and guess what - I'm exactly where one would think I would be - in limbo.

So a year and a half later we're in love, my parents think he's great, I adore his family, we share the same views with regard to religion, politics, finances and enjoy the same activities....problem is....I have a nagging suspicion that his "time clock" doesn't even closely resemble mine...my bigger fear is that I'm with someone who 2-3 years down the road is going to not feel ready to move forward and I’m nervous about waiting until I’m 40 to start having kids.

It’s like he's caught wanting to be a bachelor yet wants to be with me. Another issue compounding my anxiety is that we talk pretty frequently about the future, being married, having kids, where our parents will live when they are too old to live on their own....so I’m hopeful, yet wracked with doubt because his time line seems a little out of whack given our respective ages, not to mention when we do talk about getting married he brings up divorce and me "taking his house and pension".

Of course everyone LOVES to weigh in on this topic. My sister says to just get knocked up, my best friend insists that this is going to end in heartache and to break up with him sooner than later, his mother says wait it out, others say give him an ultimatum. On a side note his father married late in life and didn’t start having kids until he was 40. I’ve tried several different means of communication with varying results....none of which have led to concrete answers. I am clearly not communicating effectively and I need some guidance from you.

Am I wasting my time?

Love in limbo

Dear Limbo love,

There’s so much going on, and I want to support you in figuring out your present situation, But in order to do that, you gotta travel back. Travel back to the day when the red flag was unfolded and strung up to the flagpole for everyone and their mother to see. The day that you, you gorgeous, smart, capable woman… ignored it and ran from it like the frikin’ plague…and agreed to a second date.

As human beings, we never… I mean never… do things that don’t serve us in some way. I know, sounds confusing and a little crazy, but it’s true. We’re always acting on or acting out our issues-- it’s the human condition. We’re incredibly intelligent emotional beings when it comes down to it. We know exactly what to do to get our needs met, even if it means suffering. When kids throw tantrums they’re really saying “see me, hear me, hello I need to be noticed!!” They get their need met. No matter how ugly it looks. So avoiding a red flag, when you seem to know exactly what you want, is a little tantrum of your inner world my love. It happened for a reason…it’s serving you...you’re getting your needs met. Sounds like you have a little addiction to not getting what you want. Un-furrow your brow doll face, I’ll explain…

How is being with someone who may have fundamentally different ideas of what life should look like than you do… serving you? How does not clearly asking for or communicating what you really want…help you? Well, let’s brainstorm some possibilities…

Maybe it’s scary to ask for what you really want because maybe you’ll get it, and maybe you won’t. Maybe you’re scared to actually get what you really want, because it will be so new, you won’t even know what to do with yourself. Maybe you judge yourself for wanting certain things in the first place and that little inner dis-empowering voice yells “hey limbo girl, you are ridiculous and you ask for too much!” Ya, that voice sucks. Maybe you have fear that when and if you actually get what you want, it won’t really be that good anyway and you’ll be disappointed.

Maybe you're addicted to not getting what you want and what you need, so you (unconsciously) seek out relationships that you know you won't get what you need....because you don't know any other way. Think back to some of your other relationships…Hm. Maybe? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. So many possibilities. The point is…you’re getting something out of this.

The thing about red flags is that we think they say “danger, do not proceed” but when we avoid them and get into sticky relationship situations, those red flags turn into big juicy green flags…leading us into our deepest core issues. Ugh, I know… fun times. Therapists love red flags…it’s like a secret trap door to your inner gold.

As soon as that red flag flew and you agreed to a second date, your inner world knew exactly what it was doing honey. This isn’t about wanting marriage and kids, or an inner clock, or any of those details… I sense that this is about your discomfort around really getting what you want, and your fear of disappointment. Reason I think that… Because it seems like by being with this man, you don’t have to risk your deepest dreams ever being a disappointment, ‘cause they aren’t part of the plan. And no one wants disappointment. It’s one of the worst feelings ever. Ever. So we do whatever we can to avoid it. I don’t know your inner workings love, but it seems to me that asking for what you really want and risking disappointment is scarier for you, than settling for what comes close.

So, now that you are curled in a ball either red with anger or with mascara running down your gorgeous face, let me just say this… That red flag that you are judging yourself for ignoring is turning out to be one of the most amazing opportunities of your life. You get to grow infinitely.

Let’s be clear… I’m not telling you to break up with your boyfriend. I’m saying, begin to ask yourself how being in this relationship is serving you? How is it enabling you to stay in your comfort zone? How is it helping you to not have to take risks you haven’t felt ready to take. Explore your relationship with disappointment. Explore your relationship with joy. And when you’re ready to embrace both of those things, begin to ask…clearly and strongly ask… for what you really want.

Love love loveeeee,
Brooke.

send your questions to Brooke at soapboxtherapy@gmail.com! Your identity will always be kept private.

The thing about reality...

2009-10-06T08:55:00.000-07:00

We have this funny on-again off-again relationship with reality. Ya, reality. Reality is lovable and acceptable and attractive when things are happening in a way that pleases us, makes us happy, makes us feel like things are going our way. But when reality isn’t behaving how we wish it would, we fight it, and we fight it until we convince ourselves that we’ve won. But we know better…

The thing about reality is that it always wins. No matter what. Ya, I know, I’m sorry darling. We can’t fight it, though we sure do put forth a ton of effort trying. Think about how much time and energy you’ve put into trying to make a situation that’s happening, not happen-or vice versa. Think about how much emotion you’ve spent on a phone that isn’t ringing… that just isn’t, or a person that isn’t treating you right…they just aren’t, or a credit card bill that just isn’t disappearing…it’s just not. Reality is a bitch sometimes, it’s the truth. But it’s not going anywhere. So, now what?

Now we talk about what happens when we fight reality and how it’s messing us up… and then we come clean so we can move forward, sans the baggage my loves, sans the baggage.

How we fight reality…we go into denial, and we attempt to negotiate a deal that will land us in a better situation. That’s what we do. And props to denial because sometimes it truly does help to keep us safe…safe and sound from facing things that tend to be pretty ugly. Do you really want to face the fact that that person isn’t that into you or that the job you have isn’t your true passion and you’ve known it from the start or that the way you’ve been using and abusing money is sending you into a crappy place but you just keep on going… um, no. No one wants to face that stuff…so denial is there to save the day! Yay! Except…

Except denial is a short term solution. Denial is a trick…it tells us that we’ll feel better, and free, and we won’t have to look at such icky things…good times. But once you inch into denial far enough, you’re further and further from the truth, the authentic reality, so the journey back is that much longer. So, it’s messing us up. Because like I said, reality always wins, and at some point gorgeous, the journey back from the land of denial into reality is going to take place. I know, not what you wanted to hear. But it’s, well, the reality of it.

So, as you sit in front of your computer screen reading these words and you start to wonder, “what am I in denial about?” Then keep going, keep asking, get curious… you’re on the right track, you’re so there. Love it! There is no one to answer to, no one to prove it to, no one to justify yourself to… other than you. So keep going and keep asking and get curious all over again. And then again. And again. Come clean… or at least start the process.

Denial is seductive. It tells us what we want to hear and no matter how strong we are, we succumb to its call. So break it of. Break off the relationship you have with denial. Mourn, cry, be sad… ‘cause every time a relationship ends, no matter how messed up it is, it’s sad. But once you’re ready, take a big deep breath and revisit the on-again off-again relationship you have with reality. And give it another go.

And that’s the thing about reality.

Love,
Brooke.

The thing about respect...

2009-09-30T05:23:00.000-07:00

Respect is a word constantly in the airwaves, regularly thrown around, and continuously repeated in any situation a person feels they deserve, well, respect. Respect is also a word often taken at face value with no definition attached, to the point of, in my opinion, a fault. So, in the spirit of being on my soapbox and scooping out the meaning of things until there’s nothing left to scoop…I want to give a little tutorial… a little mini-lesson if you will… on the big-heavy-could be amazing if we actually knew what it meant and used it properly-word, respect. So, with respect, here I go…

There are two parts to the word Respect. “re” and “spect”. Let’s start with “re”.

“Re” is a prefix meaning ‘again’ or ‘again and again’, suggesting repetition. Easy enough.

“Spect” can be found in many words, for example spectacle meaning a show, display or vision. Also spectacles referring to eyeglasses or goggles. Another is spectacular; dazzling, astonishing, or breathtaking. And my favorite, spectator. One who is a viewer, watcher, observer or witness. One can conclude that “spect” is included only in words that refer to looking, seeing, observing, and such.

So, respect really means: to see, again and again. Huh. Imagine that. And all this time we thought we knew what we were talking about.

The thing about respect is that its power lies in the pause…the wonder, interest, and curiosity about another human being (or plant, or animal, or earth, or thing, or or or). Respect is not about being nice to someone, taking them more seriously, or having unfounded admiration based on physical appearance, job status, age, race, religion, ethnicity... or anything in between. It’s actually about seeing someone…past it all, looking deeper at who they are, hearing what they’re really saying, learning where they’re really coming from, paying attention what they’re about…again and again...and again. Until maybe, just maybe you get it a little bit…enough to confidently say, “I respect you”.

So darlings, I ask you... Stop, look, and listen. Wonder about the words you’re using…and why. Wonder about the people around you. Plan to respect someone only if you are prepared to find out who they really are, and kindly embrace their human-being-ness. And then, the best part… gracefully cock your head to the side and wonder about who you really are... again and again. Respect yourselves my dears. And love it every second of it.

And that's the thing about respect.

Love,
Brooke.

The thing about your story...

2009-09-24T15:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Brooke,

My question to you is regarding how much honesty is too much honesty when it comes to relationships and one's past.

You see, I went through a difficult relationship during college (emotionally/mentally abusive, unfortunately) and the healing period to get past it included some even more unfortunate behaviors--namely, a short stint (approximately one month) of being a "party girl", during which I hooked up randomly a few times (literally only a few). It didn't take me very long to realize that behaving that way felt like crap, nor was it "me"; it actually served as a wake up call to look inward and deal with my issues.

I can gladly say that was years ago and today I am a happy, normal individual--with the exception of a few occasional flashbacks of "the things that I've done". Six months ago I met my soul mate, and though it may sound crazy to say that after such a short time--I actually knew he was the one after our first date. At the very beginning of the relationship I divulged vague details about my dirty past, i.e. the fact that I had one. I did this because I wanted to be honest about what I had been through, but I only gave enough details to paint a picture. No guy loves to hear that stuff, but it was accepted and we moved past.

I believe I will end up marrying this guy, and as such something has been plaguing me: How much honesty is too much honesty? What if he asks me things? What answer do I give? Does he need to know names, dates, and positions? I don't think that information would be helpful to anyone. In a world where people are getting married in their late 20's and 30's, we all have some kind of past life before we meet our husbands and wives. How are we meant to deal with honesty about our past? Is there a rule of thumb regarding what we should tell? I hate to lie ever, but what is the harm when the information serves no benefit to anyone?

I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,
Greater Good

Dear Greater Good,

No warming up. No small talk. Let’s unpack this baby right frikin’ now.

Your if-it-didn’t-happen-exactly-the-way-it-did-or-you-wouldn’t-be-as-fabulous-as-you-are story… journey…process…was just described by you, little miss good-or-bust as “unfortunate” and “dirty”. OK…could anyone judge themselves more right now? I don’t think so. You need the biggest hug ever, and at the same time… a major ah-ha moment. So, let’s have it.

Seriously my love, who is really judging your past… your man? Nope…It’s you. You are judging your past so much that you are assuming that others will too. You were emotionally abused and coped with it in a way that many humans do...you did the best you could with what you had, and I’m proud of you. Yes, really. But now, you are emotionally abusing yourself. The truth is, once you accept, honor, and respect your past and your journey, so will everyone else.

I know you’re looking for answers…for me to tell you what to do. This actually isn’t about lying or telling the truth or the details or whatever… this is about something that goes way deeper than that. It seems to me that the reason you’re troubled by what to tell and what not to tell is you’re looking for some validation of your story. You want someone to say, “It’s OK, I love you regardless of what you did”. The truth is, my darling, you don’t love you regardless of what you did. You don’t love your past; you don’t respect the choices you made. You are justifying yourself all over the place… “approximately one month” “literally only a few” and right now, in this moment I want you to pause. Take a breath. And listen carefully…

One of the reasons you were able to realize how special this man is, and allow yourself to fall in love is because of your story, because of all the things you did and went through...simple and complicated. If you didn’t do things that felt wrong, how the heck would you know what feels right? It’s time to thank your story. It’s time to celebrate your past. It’s time to love yourself not only regardless of your past, but because of it. Yes, really.

The thing about your story is that it’s well, yours...and it’s important to treat it with care, and big time love. You get to decide what to do with it, where to put it, where not to put it. Your story is a precious gem, a true gift that this life has given you to become your best self. Your story is about a woman who has journeyed through crap relationships and come out alive…a woman who has made decisions that seemed perfect at the time, and learned from all of them…a woman who has a juicy rich beautiful past that made her one strong and capable cookie…a story that is only hers to judge.

I invite you to be proud of your story... especially the parts that you aren’t proud of. Once you embrace this, you’ll know exactly who to tell and how much to share.

Love love love LOVE,
Brooke.

Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com. Your identity will be kept confidential.

The thing about the things we hold onto...

2009-09-22T06:28:00.000-07:00

My plane was delayed. It happens. So I found myself with unplanned extra time, walking around the airport with my ridiculously heavy bag slung around my shoulder. I thought that I had packed everything in so well…so thoughtfully placed and organized. I even experimented handling the weight by picking it up a few times before I left the house… it passed all initial tests. But the longer I held it, the more I believed that a damaging neck or upper back injury was about to occur. The combination of my bra strap digging into my precious shoulder with the bag strap perfectly placed right over it was just too much to take. Periodic breaks became necessary.

During one of my important pauses I found myself thinking...why do we hold onto so much?

We don’t only hold onto stuff, we hold onto feelings, experiences, pasts. We hold onto guilt, hurt, anger, grudges. We hold onto what we said, what someone else said, what we wish we said. We hold onto shoulda’ woulda’ coulda’ all day long. …And the list goes on. But if we’re holding onto such unbelievably outrageously heavy things, isn’t there a point when we have to just put it all down… and breathe?

The thing about the things we hold onto is that they stay and hang out on the surface of our world...more than we care to admit. Even if you think you’ve been wildly successful at pushing it all down, pushing it all away, hiding it all so no one can see… sorry to burst your bubble darling dear…the only person you are fooling is your own precious self. No matter how hard we try to push it all down… certain things are simply indigestible.

Our bodies, our spirits, our souls… these gorgeous things are not built to digest things like guilt, anger, fear, hate, regret. Just like our stomachs can’t digest poison… we have to get it all pumped out… or the consequences are, well, ugly. So it all stays there, at the forefront, poisoning your every moment. The held onto stuff inches it’s way into whatever we do or say or experience. The held onto stuff takes up so much space in our bodies that we can’t invite the good stuff in…we are full of undigested crap. I know, fun.

So, you have undigested-held onto-past-crap that is influencing you more than you were willing to realize…and now you’re admitting it silently to yourself with a little smirk on your face. Yes, you. Love love love it. Welcome to being human. Congratulations, you’ve arrived. But that’s not me giving you permission to hold onto it forever. This is me caring about you like crazy and letting you know I get it while at the same time saying… it’s time to put down your bag honey. Take a breath.

Consider what you hold onto. Be curious. Why do you need it? Why do you want it? How is it serving you? Is it making your day, your life, your self… better? Really? What would your day, your life, your self… look like, feel like, be like if for just a minute, you let it go?

And that’s the thing about the things we hold onto.

Love like crazy,
Brooke.

The thing about expecting everything from one person...

2009-09-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

One of the most important things my ex-boyfriend said to me during our relationship was “I can’t be your boyfriend, and your girlfriends.” I had no idea he was so deep, hence our breakup, but as it turns out that lesson stuck with me…

So often we look to our partners to fulfill everything, all of our needs, all of our wants, all of our all of our. That’s a tall frikin’ order, don’t you think? Putting that kind of expectation on one human being is overwhelming to even think about. The expectation to be everything all folded into one body is not only a bummer for the person who is supposed to be super-human, but dangerous for the person placing the expectations as well.

The thing about expecting everything from one person is that it’s dangerous…dangerous because we are bound to be let down. And being let down because of expectations we created out of thin air all on our own...well that just sucks. I’m certainly not saying settle for a partner because no one can be that great anyway... Believe me, that’s not my stance. I do think amazing healthy juicy fabulous relationships are built on finding one ridiculously unbelievable person, being best friends and lovers and and and and… oh, and that too. But it’s important to think of life as a soup. With only 1 ingredient, well, that’s just bound to disappoint.

It’s healthy to add other ingredients into your world, into your life soup if you will. The base can be your relationship if that’s where you're at on your path, or your yoga community or your kids or your mom… whatever is a fit for your world. But add some friends, some purpose, some hobbies. Join a knitting circle, volunteer, have stimulating conversations going on, coffee dates, and even that really scary overwhelming thing we call…solitude. Ya, even have some of that. Believe me, you're everything person will thank you.

We don’t want anyone to look to us for all the answers, all the time. We don’t want to be 100% responsible for 1 person’s happiness and life purpose…that’s just way too much pressure. So why do we do it to our partners…or our 1 best friend…or our mom? One person just can’t do everything. But they love you either way. So, stir your soup darlings. Yes, it’s that important.

Love,
Brooke

The thing about honesty...

2009-09-10T07:55:00.000-07:00

Brooke –
I need to ask about this because so often we are asked for ‘an honest opinion’ or ‘tell me honesty if’, etc.

This happened recently with a close friend. She had been to visit my home and we had a nice weekend. Upon her return home, she wrote and said “I had the distinct feeling you are not happy with me. I felt it when I left your place but it was really strong when I woke up. Am I imagining things or am I correct? Did I do something wrong while I was there?”

This friend has always said one of the things she loves best about me my HONESTY. So after much consideration, I replied--

“Now how to answer your question… I am so glad you worded it “not happy with me” rather than mad or angry. I have to be honest BUT keep in mind it is only a small thing which is why it was never brought up. On the way home from the restaurant – the conversation went to Ford Motor Company – trashing transmissions, power-trains, etc….. I did not feel it was appropriate to ‘knock down’ a company your hosts’ worked for and are collecting a pension from. As you know we are “True Ford Blue” and the comments we not appreciated. Since it truly was a small thing – I let it go and asked my hubby to do the same. Nothing to worry about – it is now in the past! You asked so I had to be honest (something that you’ve always admired) otherwise it would have never been mentioned.”

I did not hear from this person for 2 days, so I sent a note asking if I should be worried. Her response was “No, not to worry. Some things are just better dropped than continued. I think that's one of them. (((HUGS)))”

Looks like honesty wasn’t something she wanted to hear. From her response, she doesn’t agree with how we felt. When feelings are hurt (like our case), it’s how we perceived the comment rather than why they made the comment. Am I right?

When I got her response back, I was surprised that it didn’t say “Oh sorry you felt that way” or something. Her response leads me to believe that she doesn’t see our “side”, isn’t the least bit remorseful and is now maybe a little mad at me for being honest. Is that your take? In my opinion, feelings are genuine and can neither be “right” or “wrong” – they just are!!

I guess my question to you is – people really don’t want honesty do they? It would have been far better for the relationship to have just replied – NO nothing is wrong! And move on.

Honest Hannah

Dear Honest Hannah,

How bold and beautiful of you to put yourself out there for such an important and often confusing topic… your experience and example illustrates what so many of us experience. So go you. You are officially a life teacher. And PS. Thank you so much for sharing your own personal emails- they’re really going to help us get down to the nitty gritty… in a good way… I hope.

So there is the cliché “honesty is the best policy” and I agree for the most part. But in SoapBox-World there are 2 main categories of honesty. Take ‘em if you like, leave ‘em if you don’t. First is outer-world-honesty…the details, specifics, quotes, things that happen in the situation, etc. and second is inner-world-honesty…the feelings, emotions, things that go on inside of us, etc.

Outer-world-honesty is way easier to express. This happened, she said this, he said that…bla bla. It’s inner-world-honesty that can get sticky and get us all tripped up on what honesty really looks like... let’s use your experience to illustrate.

In the outer world, your friend said negative things about an organization you are invested in, which seemed inappropriate to you at the time, under the circumstances. OK. It’s so great that you shared that with her because outer-world-honesty really does clear up some confusion sometimes, right? So that’s fabulous. But there’s more…

It seems to me, that although you were honest about the outer-world details of the situation, you were far from honest about the follow up you were hoping for, and about your inner-world experience. You didn’t lie my love, you just left out a few things. You didn’t tell her your feelings were hurt, you didn’t tell her you wanted to know if she understood where you were coming from. You didn’t let her know that you were hoping for a response. You didn’t tell her you wanted her to say she was sorry. Sometimes we don’t share our inner-world honesty because we aren’t convinced our feelings are justified or reasonable, so we say things like… “Nothing to worry about – it is now in the past”

So, what happened was…. Your friend said something hurtful and asked you what had happened. Then you emailed the specifics, like what she said and when, but gave her permission to simply move on. Then, when she said ok, you were upset and confused. So when you say you were honest... you weren’t completely honest darlin’, right? And it led to you being more hurt than you were in the first place.

The thing about honesty is that it’s great and helpful and delicious and organic and amazing…if you are actually being honest…like, fully. And sitting with whatever happens as a result. The complete honest answer would have stated the outer-world details and then been followed by your inner-world feelings and experiences of the situation.

Here is an example of how you can include your inner world honesty: “There was a comment made about Ford in a negative light. You are my friend and I care so much about you and our friendship. I was hurt and upset about the comment because I didn’t feel noticed for the work and effort my family and I have put into Ford. I know it may seem like a small detail, but I also know you will understand where I’m coming from. I really appreciate you initiating this conversation.”…and so on

The most important thing to keep in mind when expressing inner world honesty; use way way way more “I” statements that “You” statements. “You” statements should be kept to a crazy minimum and only used in a positive light. No one wants to have a finger pointing in their face, be cut down, put down, lectured, or made to feel bad. If they feel that way at all, your communication will probably be misunderstood, unheard, or unread all together. If you remind your friends, family, or whoever you have a challenge with that they are important to you (which they are) and you care about the relationship you have with them (which you do) and that you have confidence that they are the kind of person who will understand your point of view…then they will be standing on confident solid ground and are more prepared to hear what you have to say. Don’t lie to them, of course… but just remember your relationship and all of the great things about that person…and say them.

So many of us, in a hurtful situation, just sit back and wait for the other person to miraculously know what’s going on in our inner-world. We get the crazy idea that others know our buttons, how they are pushed, and when they push them. We convince ourselves that others know the depth of our stories and our emotions and what affects us and to what level. Our feelings are not floating in the air for anyone to see, to understand, to respond to…unless we share them.

So, we have found ourselves here. At this place of different levels or shall we say, worlds of honesty. Sometimes, it feels best to only include one world. Such as, leaving the details out and just talking about how you and the other person feel. Or, sometimes it’s really just a silly misunderstanding and you can forgo the deep thoughts and clear things up with a quick detail. But, most of the time, a balance of both is necessary.

Remember, the most important person to be fully honest with…yourself. And to me, the only way to do that is to ask lot’s of questions and as always…get curious about yourself. Honest Hannah, you done good.

Love,
Brooke

Oh, and PS to you and everyone… your best bet is to make some notes to yourself, and then if it’s an option, call or meet a friend in person to talk about things. Email, text, etc. can get confusing and may lead to a greater risk of being misunderstood. Just food for thought…

Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com!

The thing about rules...

2009-09-08T06:53:00.000-07:00

When SoapBox Therapy began, I made a rule for myself. I will post every day. I quickly realized that rule was completely unrealistic, as are many I tend to set for myself. It took moving through some major discomfort and working my inner-self-muscles- to finally listen to my gut, to my inner voice… and take a step back to a more realistic place.

So, a Tuesday/Thursday posting regimen began. I allowed myself to be real and took off my superwoman cape. It worked…for me. Then, it didn’t. Last week, life set itself up differently. Not better, not worse. Just a little different. So, again I found myself starring at my rules right in their ugly judgmental face. Ugh.

It got me thinking…what happens to us when the rules aren’t the right fit? Not only the rules we set up for ourselves (I will write a fabulous interesting post every Tuesday and Thursday for the rest of my life)…

But the rules the our dating-society set up for us (Your new boyfriend/girlfriend shalt be considered a “rebound” by all of your friends until the proper mourning time is provided after an ugly break up)…

And also the rules our material-society set up for us (you will have those jeans, or you are a fat ugly loser who doesn’t have it together…or you’re alternative)…just to name a few.

When we come in contact with a rule that just doesn’t feel right for us, we get stuck. Literally, it’s like either we follow the rules, or we become paralyzed with confusion and feel unsure and insecure and everything in between. It’s as if the rules, whether good or bad, help us to stay on an effortless road-a strait shoot, for so long. And while on that road, we don’t work the muscles of our inner voice, we don’t have conversations with it, we don’t check in. We just go. Blindly. So our ability to hear our inner voice gets weak, and our strength to trust it…even weaker. Sometimes, we forget that it’s even there. So sad.

And then…in comes a situation where the rule worked before, but now it makes your skin crawl. So Mr. or Mrs. Inner voice starts screaming your name like mad to get your frikin’ attention. “This rule isn’t working for meeeee, helloooooooo!!!!!” And then, you freeze. You don’t know what to do. You don’t know which direction to go. The scary truth: We trust the rules more than we trust ourselves.

Your inner voice is asking you to improvise. To create a new path…your path, and go with it. Yes, you need to get creative, listen carefully to your gut, and then proceed. A life that works takes work my loves… I know, shocking.

The thing about rules is that sometimes they don’t work and they need not be followed. And that’s OK. Maybe you meet your soul mate a few days after you break up with the partner you were with for what-seems-like-forever. And maybe that’s perfect… for you… with that person…at that moment. For example.

I’m not saying that all of society’s rules are simply wrong- I know that’s not the case. I’m saying, decide for yourself. And I’m not saying just forget it and let go and never do things you say you’re going to do cause your just not in the mood…or vise versa. I mean, have some integrity people, right?

I’m just saying that sometimes we say we’re going to do things, or not do things… and then that choice ends up feeling so utterly off that our inner voices start to scream and pray that we’ll quiet down the insane-obnoxious-paralyzing-judgment going on inside of ourselves long enough to listen…and shift.

So, get organized and get clear...ask yourself not only about the rules others set for you, that just don’t feel right—but ask yourself, “What are my rules?” … and then loosen up your grip and be prepared for the possibility that one day, you’ll throw them out the window. And maybe the next day you’ll go out, find them, and re-attach them to your best-self-reality. Who knows? Allow yourself to be fluid, be in the moment…be human.

And that’s the thing about rules.

Love,
Brooke.

Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com!

The thing about doing what you love...

2009-09-01T07:27:00.000-07:00

The thing about doing what you love is that you really should. Like really, really. And should is my least favorite word. But I’m shoulding. It just feels right in this context. Go with it.

Yes. Do what you love. Not so simple, I realize. But what other option do you have? Joy and passion… those are sustainable. Discomfort and dissatisfaction… ugh, that stuff is like poison. So, in an effort to begin a “do what you love or bust” revolution… I decided to step up to the plate. Here I go…

I love getting on my soapbox. It’s true. I love writing to you, for you, with you…I frikin’ love it. I love wondering who is being affected by which post? Who is getting curious about themselves? Who is growing? I love every part of this. I could cry of joy. Seriously.

I also love helping in person. I love creating a relationship with a beautiful human being and seeing them grow and fall in love with themselves and become the person they want and hope to be… right before my very eyes.

That being said… I’m so excited to announce that beginning today, September 1, 2009 I am officially taking private practice clients! Certain times of the week I will step off the box and onto the couch in my cute office in San Francisco. Life is good.

A little about the way I work...on the couch. I integrate as many different theories and ideas as there are different people in the world. Everything works for someone, but no one thing works for everyone. Get it? I see everyone who walks in my office as a separate amazing complex human being with light and fabulousness inside… even if they don’t. Yet. And the most important voice in the room is the quiet one coming from inside of the person sitting across from me…

I love Carl Jung, feel very strongly about humanistic psychology, and connect to relational therapy as well as self-psychology (Oh, the fun you’ll have on Google today…) My specialty: Working with, treating, and strengthening relationships of all kinds…including the relationship you have to yourself. Love it.

So… to begin this exciting venture I am introducing a group called “The Meaning Of Wife” The group is for women in romantic relationships of all stages... single and contemplating commitment, serious or engaged and considering marriage, married and discovering an expanded identity, recently divorced and reflecting on a new chapter in life...just to name a few. This group is going to be small and deeply supportive--a wonderful way for women to explore both their relationships and themselves.

Oh, and it's 12 sessions. Wednesday nights from 6-7:30pm. Starting September 23, 2009.

My darling readers… please consider this group for your friends, family, or co-workers in San Francisco, Oakland, Marin County, or anywhere in the Bay Area! Pass along the information about the group, the blog, and and and… and tell them to contact me! Questions, concerns, pricing... just call.

I want the group to be small and intimate…so it will fill up fast. Thank you. You are my starlets! My private practice line is 415.294.4044.

And that’s the thing about doing what you love.

Love,
Brooke

An important disclaimer: Brooke received her master’s degree in counseling psychology and is a registered MFTi (marriage and family therapist intern #55548) working towards full licensure in the state of California. SoapBox Therapy is not part of the California MFT licensure process. SoapBox Therapy is commentary and advice based on Brooke's personal opinions and insight and should be regarded as such. SoapBox Therapy is in no way related to or reflective of the opinions or insight of Brooke Miller’s private practice supervisor, Cynthia Hoffman LMFT.

The thing about hate...

2009-08-27T23:31:00.000-07:00

Brooke,

Have you ever had the same fight over and over again? Like the day repeating, but the weather has changed? Groundhog day... This is my life. It doesn't happen every day, but often enough. I feel like I am losing my mind!

The issue is, my husband hates my sister- and I hate my husbands father. This dynamic is a constant source of argument that might never die. Aside from these two people, there is nothing to argue about!

Why does my husband throw the dirty "family card" out there? Even when we are bickering about what movie to see, the "family card" gets thrown down and the argument shifts, gets heated, and I turn on the silent treatment. When are we too old to bicker about family? Will it ever end? When???

bickering betty

Dear Bickering Betty,

I love love love this question...first of all because it describes what happens behind so many peoples closed doors--and I get all warm and fuzzy inside when I realize that this may just help someone, in addition to you, who is least expecting it... but I also love it because I get to use one of my favorite metaphors...the scratched record. Fun times. Here we go...

In the beginning of our life we are like a new record, all shiny and new, scratch free, playing smoothly without skipping or getting stuck, no matter what comes our way. Then, life happens. We have happy joyful delicious times, and we have frustrating hurtful painful times. Sometimes the painful times create a big lasting scratch in our record. Some scratches are deep...like, really deep.

What happens is this; if that deep scratch isn't healed...we never talked about it, went to therapy, dealt with it... it becomes our default emotional landing.

What I mean is, as our record/life plays on, if the record player ever gets bumped- like something upsets us, ruffles us, etc.—we automatically get thrown right back to our deepest scratched spot- the painful memory, experience, or feeling. And being there is crappy. And scary. And uncomfortable. And we get angry. And even if the person, place, or thing that bumped the record player has nothing to do with the scratch, they get the heat for it.

So now that I may have thoroughly confused you... let's relate this to your situation and put this metaphor to work.

Let's use your husband hating your sister as our example. I don't know him or his life story, but what I sense is that he's a human being who has gone through stuff- life, family, etc. and something affected him in at some point that he has yet to deal with and put to rest-maybe major, maybe minor, but created a scratch nonetheless. And that scratch is still there.

Your sister happens to be a person who bumps your husbands record player…she triggers him, activates him, reminds him of (unconsciously) and makes him feel the feelings that live in the deep scratch in his record. Then he's uncomfortable, and get's angry.

After enough bumps, your sister became the face of his frustration-like an ad campaign. Every time you think of Subway you think, Jared, the Subway guy, ya? So every time he feels frustrated he thinks... my sister-in-law, the frustrating girl. Not so fair, but true and totally normal.

Are you still with me? This is a lot. Take a deep breath. Let's keep going...

When you and your hubby are deciding about a movie, for example, he may feel frustrated. And now, your sister is the representative of frustration. So she get's brought into the mix. Bummer.

So here's the play by play. First, you get scratched at some point in your life. The scratch is deep, and it's easy to fall back into it. Then, you meet someone who bumps you... something about them just activates you and for some reason leads you fall into the icky feelings all over again...

Then, you decide you hate them. Because they bump you into a place and into feelings you don't like experiencing.

The thing about hate is that when you feel it towards another person, it's the universe sending you a message, telling you it's time to look within...and get curious. We don't hate others...we really don't. Hating others isn't part of our natural makeup...what we hate are the feelings that come up as a response to certain people or groups. For example, we don't like feeling afraid, so we hate those who scare us. We don't like feeling insecure, so we hate those who make us question ourselves. We don't like feeling unsafe, so we hate those who threaten our safety, etc.

Feeling hate is a huge gift...that is, if you are willing to unwrap it. If you discover where your feelings of hate towards another human being come from... well then you are a frikin' winner. You get to grow. You get to become more accountable. You get to become more mature, gracious, self aware, and kind. I get chills even thinking about it.

Hating another person or group and then taking a step back and wondering about yourself and where that hatred might be coming from--and taking responsibility for those emotions. Ugh, I mean, that's world peace according to me. So delish I can’t stand it.

My response isn't about why your sister or his dad bumped either of you in the first place. That's a whole other story. That's something that I can't speak to-I don't have enough information. It's your box to unpack, preferably with a therapist individually or as a couple.

What is it about them that makes you both so heated? What don't you like to feel that they bring out in you...and where did it come from? So many possibilities...

My amazing-loving-bickering-human through and through-darling...I could squeeze you right now I'm so happy. Do you realize what just happened? You had a hand in possibly inspiring not only yourself, but another person reading this post think about themselves, their past, life, relationships, hatred...in a new light.

Now go put your favorite record on, and breathe through the bumps, the scratches, and dance to every gorgeous song along the way...madly, deeply, joyfully.

Love love love,
Brooke.

Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com!

The thing about mothers-in-law...

2009-08-25T07:22:00.000-07:00

The thing about mothers-in-law is that sometimes, they drive us a little nuts. Maybe that's just part of the package?

I don't think we should just ‘get over it’ if we feel hurt by our mothers-in-law. It’s just not that easy. The truth is, though… they pushed our partners out of their bodies and for that they deserve just a few props. I know, I know… just stick with me on this one…

Many of us treat our mothers-in-law like they’re in the way, they’re the reason for all havoc breaking loose…and maybe in some cases they absolutely are. But the bottom line- they love their kid and they are jealous as hell. Justifiably so.

I mean, lets just get down to it. They get pregnant. Maybe they’re excited, and maybe they’re not. They push out a kid, they raise them fabulously or horribly, attentively or neglectfully. They deal with all the frustration, joy, emotion, and everything in between that comes with raising that child. THEN, we come along.

We get to fall in love with that human being and they get to fall in love with us…by choice. We don't to choose our parents, but we get to choose our partner. We get to reap the benefits and rewards of their mother's work...their kid. I would imagine that for many mom's, that's not so easy to digest. No matter how charming you are.

So, they changed diapers and dealt with emotional stuff and took care of their kid the best they could with what they had. Admit it. Then a pretty young thang comes along and gets to make googly eyes while they sit there realizing that one of the people keeping them busy, making them feel needed…is out the door… like, really. Emotionally, moving forward...sometimes translated by a mother as… moving on. I imagine like crazy that that can be a painfully rough feeling inside… no matter how much she loves or doesn’t love who her kid chose.

All I’m saying is that even though mothers-in-law can be, well, lots of things… they helped make our partners who they are today, either by being great moms or not so great moms. It couldn’t hurt to spend a little more time thanking them for pushing out the loves of our lives. Literally.

Some mothers-in-law are amazing fabulous confident women who joyfully send their child off into adulthood with no reservations… some are not. Let’s look at those mothers-in-law of the world in a new way, under a new light. Let’s choose to be thankful for them. Let’s choose to respect them. Not because of who they are, but because of who they created.

No matter how difficult this might sound… A “thank you for bringing my partner into this world. You have given me the most amazing gift I could ever ask for” from you would send your mother-in-law over the edge… in a delicious amazing possibly life altering way. Try it. Yes…really.

And then let me know how it goes.

And that’s the thing about mothers-in-law.

Love,
Brooke

Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmai.com

The thing about long distance relationships...

2009-08-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Brooke,

I have been dating the most amazing man for the past 5 months (we'll call him Jake). But it just so happens that this amazing man lives 1500 miles away! (I'm in Chicago and he's in New York). I love him with all my heart and cannot picture my life without him, but there is always that lingering questions of...who will have to give when it comes to moving?

Both of us have pretty settled lives in our respective cities. Jake is currently a student and including law school, he still has another 5 years left. I work for a prominent Illinois politician and love what I am doing. We have discussed the possibility of one of us moving (he could look at law schools in Chicago and I have looked into a job in politics in New York), but neither one of us are gung-ho about packing up and leaving.

After a very long talk one night, Jake finally broke down and said he didn't think he could move to Chicago. Not because he didn't love me or love the city itself, but he couldn't imagine leaving his family. Jake is about 7 years younger than me and in all honesty, when I was his age, I couldn't imagine leaving my family either. But as I've gotten older, my objection to moving has diminished a bit and I confessed that I would move to the East Coast if that is where he decided to go to law school.

When I said that I would consider moving to New York, he said that he would feel incredibly guilty if I moved for him...because he wouldn't do the same for me. Without sounding too dramatic, does this mean that I love him more than he loves me? Or am I reading too much into it? I know he loves me and cares for me immensely, but should I worry that at this point he can't see himself moving to Chicago? Part of me believes because he is much younger than me, his views on moving/leaving his family may change, but I don't want to bank on it.

I know I have met the man of my dreams, but should I see his hesitance to move as a red flag?

Love,
Living in Chicago, while my heart is in New York

Dear my sweet sweet Chi-Town love,

So first and foremost, I can visualize your googly eyes and smitten smile from here. You seem very much in love. So yummy. So delish.

One of the things that I promise to my readers, and to you, is that I will never pretend to know what I don’t know. I’m fabulously human, and proud of it. Nothing is black and white. Every situation has color, texture, and feelings that are different from the next, different from the rest. Every relationship is different. That being said…

I don’t know Jake. I love that he’s being honest about his present feelings and limitations, but I can’t tell you why he doesn’t want to move to Chicago. Maybe it’s his age, or the city, or his readiness for an intense commitment? Maybe he just loves his life in NYC and wants you to be in it…there? Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Would he be willing to let the relationship end if you weren’t willing to move? I don’t have that information. I don’t know why he feels guilty for letting you come to him, and what that’s all about. All questions to be curious about. All things to consider asking. Soon.

But for right now… even though you may think that all of those details matter, they really don’t. Let me explain…

My hope for you my love is that you can get quiet with yourself and listen. Listen to that inner voice that we all have. Some may think it’s fluff, but I say with confidence, if you don’t think you have an inner voice, well, then your just not listening.

What do you really feel? Do you really feel that Jake doesn’t love you as much as you love him? Do you really feel that you’re the weaker link in this relationship because you are willing to compromise and try something new? Do you really feel like you love this person enough to take a chance, to take a risk? Do you really feel like Chicago has a no return policy?

Speaking of feeling…we don’t do it enough. We think too much. Sometimes all of our thoughts are on the prom dance floor twirling around, having a blast, and our feelings are sitting on the side, wishing someone would invite them in.

I can’t tell you what to do. I can’t make any decision for you. But I can give you this challenge: Feel about it for a while, pause on the thinking about it part. When you come to your deepest gut feeling, when your inner voice catches your attention…be there for a while. Then think. Job, housing, money, realistic, whatever. But for right now, just feel about it.

Any decision you make is yours. You own it. Choose to allow that decision to empower you. Don’t let it be about “giving in”. Compromise is not a sign of weakness, contrary to popular belief. If you decide to move, you’re not moving because he won’t, you’re moving because you are choosing to. I know this may not be what you wanted to hear. You wanted the answer, right? Sorry gorgeous. It lives in you, not me. You already got the goods my dear.

So here it is. The thing about long distance relationships is that there is no one thing about long distance relationships. Every relationship is different. Thank goodness. The reason someone moves or doesn’t, the reason the relationship works or doesn’t...different every time. The only person who knows what to do, what the next step is… is the person in it, feeling it. And in this case sweet thing, it’s you.

Congratulations, you get to be in charge of your life.

Love,
Brooke.

Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com! Your identity will be kept private.

The thing about loving your outside...

2009-08-18T07:45:00.000-07:00

The thing about loving your outside…your body…this vehicle that drives you around life- is that it takes work. Just like any other relationship. It takes time, commitment, focus.

Unfortunately, we don’t live in a society that makes it very easy for us to love every part of ourselves. Actually, sometimes the world we live in makes us feel egotistical, and conceited when we do love our outsides. Nuts I tell ya. Nuts.

Loving your outside is important. Like, really important. It’s not about looks, or weight, or having trendy clothes or whatever…that stuff is just a distraction, believe me. It’s about respecting and being kind to this amazing container that we are all blessed with. Yes, our bodies are our container, holding the best present in the world...our inner gorgeous amazing juicy complex …selves. So stop trashing the wrapping paper people. Have some respect, there are diamonds inside.

Here’s my proposal... Let’s fall in love with our gift box one part at a time. Let’s start with the foundation…our legs. Seriously. Let’s just fall madly, deeply, and passionately in love with our legs. Make a decision. Decide that the most important love affair in your life right now, is with your legs.

Take your legs out on a date, wear short skirts, or for my male readers, if skirts aren’t your thing- show off those calves somehow, some way. Shave every day-or don’t if that’s your style…whatever feels delicious in your world… do it. Thank your legs for holding your entire body up. Appreciate your legs for resting or sitting or folding or walking. Ya, thank your legs for walking. And if your legs don’t work the way you wish they did… send them love. Big love.

Wear t-shirts around the house and that’s it. Let your legs be seen and free. Tell them how sexy they are. Even if you don’t think they are… tell them they are. They need to hear it, and you need to practice saying it. Touch your legs, flirt with them. Celebrate your thighs. I’m not kidding people, celebrate your damn thighs.

Go out with your friends and have an “I love my legs night out” Go to dinner. Talk about your legs and where they’ve taken you…and where they’ve helped you get away from. Talk about when your legs took you dancing or allowed you to take a break. Talk about your legs like you talk about your other relationships. Respect them. Appreciate them. Share your leg stories. Try it. Yes, seriously.

Really…It’s time. It’s time we take a different approach to loving our bodies. We live inside these amazing vessels, yet we trash them and put them down. It makes no sense. Enough already.

Let’s take it one part at a time. Fall in love with your legs. And then send your leg-love stories to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com.

And that’s the thing about loving your outside.

Love,
Brooke.

Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com. Your identity is private!

The thing about a kid whose parents get divorced...

2009-08-13T18:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Brooke,

My first wife and I divorced 7 years ago. We had a daughter together who is now 10. My ex-wife is very neurotic and controlling, which was one of the many issues that led up to our divorce. I get my daughter 3 weekends a month. Since I live close by, I can see her whenever I want.

Since my daughter is her mother's only child, they have a very close relationship. My daughter's mom is overly protective of her. My problem is I feel that my ex-wife is turning my daughter into her. Since my marriage ended, I have gone on to remarry (5 years ago) and have 2 more children. The ex is still single with a series of failed relationships behind her.

Some examples I have may be petty on my part. Let’s call my daughter Jane. Jane has her own cell phone. She feels the need to call her mom over any concerns or feelings she has while she is staying with me. This is something that her mom did / continues to do with her mom (my ex-mother-in-law). This can get extremely intrusive during dinner or family time.

Jane is slightly allergic to peanuts. Whenever we buy a cake for birthdays including hers, she will insist on reading the ingredients to make sure there are no peanuts in it or made in a factory that processed anything with peanuts. Then, she will proceed to take out her cell phone and call her mom and read the label to her and reconfirm that she shouldn't eat the cake. This was done yesterday for my birthday celebration that left me, my wife, and our guests uncomfortable.

Jane’s mother never cared much about her appearance. She would often throw on whatever clothes were clean and would fit. She could care less about having her hair styled, nails done, etc. This progressively got worse when we married. This attribute has been passed on to my daughter. Her clothes are clean, but atrocious in fit and style. We make attempts to get her nice clothes, but she doesn't want to wear them and refuses to take them home. We get hair products so she can do something other than "just brush it" or "throw it up." My wife is often embarrassed to be seen in public with her. She often sticks out when we are out as a family.

I am at my wit's end about this. I recently told Jane that I want to move away from where we live when she is 18; she'll be an adult going to college and my family and I will begin a new chapter in our lives. I let her know that she will always have a place with us, but I cross fingers hoping this doesn't happen for the above mentioned reasons. Sometimes, I feel like dropping her off at her mom's house and telling her that I can't deal with her anymore and getting on with my life, which would include moving up my plans to leave the area 7 to 8 years ahead of schedule.

Jane has unconditional love for me. Although I think about her everyday and worry for her, I don't think my love is as unconditional and I feel very guilty about it. My current wife dreads when Jane comes over because it is like having my ex-wife here, but she is a great sister to our daughters. Our older child counts down the days when Jane comes here and loves to play and hang out with her. Secretly, my wife and I count down the hours that I drop Jane off with her mom.

I think back to a time when things were much simpler in life 7 years ago; I was single it was just Jane and me on the weekends. There was no problem taking her as she was, unconditionally. Now, things are complicated and it takes every once of will power I have not to tell her I feel. Maybe I'm thinking too much into this whole thing. I hope and pray to myself that one day, Jane will rebel against her mom's influence; that she'll want to have a normal mother-daughter relationship rather than the pathological one I observe.

Thanks for "listening",

Frustrated Dad

Dear Frustrated Dad,

I really could write a response to so many different parts of your letter, it’s almost overwhelming for me to even attempt. I’m truly flattered and overjoyed that you wrote… because I think this will be an amazing lesson for so many people. Thank you for being the guinea pig… There is huge potential here for you to become unbelievably stronger after this… and a better dad. The truth is, this dynamic happens way more often than people realize.

OK, I’m just gonna go for it. I hope you're sitting. Digest this as you will…

It seems that the thing you dislike most about your daughter and being around her is that she reminds you of the past. She reminds you of the feelings you had when you were in your unhappy marriage. She reminds you of the life that you were so overjoyed to leave behind. But guess what… you don’t get to leave it fully behind…if you want to be an accountable, responsible adult that is.

You don’t get to fall out of love with the woman you made a child with, and then expect that child to be nothing like, have nothing to do with, or remind you nothing… of her mother. You are trying to say…’never mind, I want a do-over’, and my love, that’s just not part of the deal. You divorced your daughter’s mother, your daughter didn’t. She gets to remain connected. At whatever level she wants. That’s her mother.

At ten years old, three when her parents got divorced, it’s not her responsibility to be nothing like her mother. To not need her mother. It’s your responsibility, as an adult, and as her father… to learn to separate your feelings towards your first marriage, with the feelings you have towards your daughter. She doesn’t deserve to be the container for your past and the negative feelings you associate with it. She gets to be separate. She is not her mother, no matter how much she reminds you of her. She is not your first marriage, no matter how much she reminds you of it. She is a human being that you helped create. She is Jane.

Your opinion that she has “atrocious” clothing and makes your guests “uncomfortable” when calling her mother at dinner… Your wife’s “embarrassment” of your daughter or her particular hair style…well my darling dad… this is all about your judgment…in general, and of your past and of your ex. You don’t want your past creeping up into your nice pretty new package of a life. I know, harsh… I just care about ya too much to let you do this. You feel unhappy that your daughter “sticks out” when you are a family because, well, you don’t really see her as part of your new family, as part of your present life, do you? You look at her, and you see your ex. And that’s just not fair. Get it? I think you get it.

A moment for a breath, or an OMMM, or whatever you need… OK, moving on…

This is a kid who was three years old when her parents got divorced… so I’m going to give you a itsy bitsy mini lesson about what happens, when that happens…

The thing about a kid whose parents get divorced is that they are fractured. A kid whose parents get divorced is living on the fault line of an earthquake all the time. Like, all the time. They feel unsafe. They feel insecure. They wonder if they should have ever been born…after all, their parents want to move on, right?

Divorce rocks a kid’s world. And then, that’s what they know. They know things fall apart without understanding why. They know instability. They know going from family to family, house to house. They know what falling out of love looks like. They know not feeling like they really belong anywhere. They know that their parents, the people that made them, don’t love each other any more, and might not even like each other anymore. Ugh. What a crappy feeling.

What your daughter saw and understood about life, from a very early age is that, you can’t control it… no matter how hard you try, no matter how bad you want to. You can’t stop the earthquake. She always feels unsafe. Anything anyone can do to make her feel loved, welcome, secure, SAFE… she’ll take it. Even if it means latching onto mom or making sure there are no peanuts in the cake.

PS. There is NO divorce manual, so no one ever expected you to know all of this. That’s again, why I’m so glad you wrote. Go you, you trying-to-figure-it all-out-man, you. I feel proud of you already. And… there is major hope and possibility for good delicious change.

OK, let's recap (this was a long one)… First. Jane=Jane. Not past, not ex wife. Second. Jane’s mom=Jane’s mom. No matter what you think of her, she is still Jane’s mommy. Don’t take that mother-daughter bond away…please please please. It’s just too important- and yes, it will grow and change and develop as time passes. Three. Jane=a kid whose parents got divorced and when her dad fell out of love with her mom, he accidentally fell a little out of love with her, and on some level, she knows it. Yuck. And four. You= man with amazing potential to be a wonderful father to all your children. It’s time.

My advice: Has your daughter been in therapy since the divorce? She needs to be. She really does. Why? Because she needs help to process all of her feelings and all of her fractures so she can have a life where she feels safe and loved and knows how to have healthy relationships in her future.

And Sir Dad… I would love to see you in therapy also. Family therapy. Personal therapy. Why? Because it will help you make sense of it all. It will help you hold all of this confusion. It will help you see your daughter for who she is, and who she isn’t. It will help you become a more well rounded, whole, open, and understanding person who really gets it. It’s an investment and it’s worth it. Your wife should go too. She needs to get it also. Email me at soapboxtherapy@gmail.com and let me know the area where you live. I’ll help you get on the path of finding a therapist. Yes, it means that much to me.

Your family and all of its beautiful parts has such potential to be strong… functional… and a deep source of joy for all of you. I feel so blessed to be part of your journey. Now, go hug your daughter. Tight. Like, really tight.

Love love love.
Brooke.

Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com

The thing about being normal...

2009-08-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

The thing about being normal is that I have no idea what that means. Seriously, what is normal?

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine when she said “I just want to be normal already!" and I asked, "What does that even look like?" She proceeded to tell me that she wanted to have no worries, no problems, and no stresses. She wanted to have no drama, and wanted to know herself through and through…never feeling angry or unbalanced. For instance, like her sister. Um, Ya right, I thought to myself. Is that normal…or delusional?

So, what is normal anyway? Curious, I went to a dictionary online which states normal is “conforming to the standard or the common type” Hm. Conforming, huh? Personally, when I conform to what is seen to be standard, I feel… well, abnormal. Out of my skin. Fake. Fraudulent. Like an impostor. When I’m not me- when I’m trying to be the me that makes me more like, well, anyone other than me…normal is the farthest from how I feel. You follow?

The only time I feel normal per-say is when I’m myself through and through. That’s when I feel grounded, tall (energetically, lets be honest), strong. It’s when I kindly ask for what I need and kindly decline what I don’t. It’s when I tell someone…respectfully, honestly, gently …how I feel. It’s when I express myself. Myself. Not the standard or common type.

There is nothing normal about amazing I-wouldn’t-want-a life-without-it things, like creativity or nature or beauty. What is normal about the ocean? That gorgeous mass of life and love and color is not standard. Not common. Real. I’ll say it again… real. Yum.

My mom always said… “If everyone in the world were the same, life would be boring.” I couldn’t agree more.

And that’s the thing about being normal.

Love,
Brooke.

send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com!!! Can't wait to hear from you!

The thing about falling in love with multiple people...

2009-08-06T09:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Brooke,
What are your thoughts on polyamory? Not as an institution (as in the Mormon faith, where men have multiple wives) but as a legitimate feeling men and women who are partnered might have toward someone outside of their marriage/partnership. Is it possible to truly love multiple people with equal depth?
--Questioning Quinn.

Dear Quinn,

My thoughts, huh? OK darling, here are my thoughts…

First of all, a little thing about love. Love is a tool we unconsciously and justifiably use to allow undeveloped or underdeveloped parts of ourselves grow to their full capacity. Being in love and having someone in love with us helps us become the whole beings that we deserve and are capable of being… to essentially, find ourselves. Yes, in my opinion, love helps us find ourselves.

Some would disagree with me… they say that you need to find yourself before you find love. That is beautiful indeed, but not always how it goes. You can find yourself before you find love, of course. But human beings are social creatures. We develop based on our relationships with others. Every relationship we have helps us on our personal journey towards growing into our best selves. Loving relationships and all that comes with them, help us to get to know ourselves well enough to fall in love with who we are. Just to be clear, I do think you need to believe and feel you are loveable or worthy of love before you find love. Make sense?

So, that leads me to my understanding of what it means to be in love with more than one person at the same time... I believe it’s possible. But the real question is why? Why does someone risk the relationship they already committed to in order to be with two people at the same time? We aren’t talking about people who are un-happy in their current relationship or situation and cheat and don’t have the guts to speak up and get help, right? We are talking about truly, madly, deeply loving two people at once and feeling confused and torn about it…

The thing about people who fall in love with multiple people at the same time are searching. They are looking for themselves… and on some level, hoping to find that inner self…within others. We all do it in some way. We look for ourselves in so many things-including food, clothes, cars, drugs, alcohol…and other people. Usually, the last place we look to find ourselves is within.

Falling in love with multiple people at once, stretching your heart out, and causing pain to your current partner… that is a deep need to tap into an inner part of oneself that has not yet been developed. People that love multiple people are also looking to be loved by multiple people. They want to prove over and over that they are lovable, that they are important, that they matter. They have so much in their inner world that they are unconsciously looking, seeking, yearning to expand and are willing to put other peoples hearts on the line…it feels that important for them.

Just a side note: sometimes, when a person who does not feel loveable or important on a deep inner level…being loved can feel like love, and hence confusion. Some fall in love with…being loved. Get it? Ok, moving on…

Do I believe in searching for yourself and deliberately making attempts towards wholeness? Yes. Do I think there are better ways than having a relationship outside the one you are committed to or being with someone who is already committed? Um, ya. Hell ya. But, hey, that’s just me. People who fall in love with multiple people at the same time are not bad people. They are searching.

But this isn’t about judging, this is about looking, being curious, wondering… why do people do the things they do? What are all the different destructive ways we attempt to feel loved, to feel heard, to feel seen, to feel fulfilled?

This question is full of possible opinions and commentary and and and… but those, honey, are my thoughts…

Love,
Brooke.

send in your questions to SOAPBOXTHERAPY@GMAIL.COM

The thing about this past week...

2009-08-04T08:06:00.000-07:00

The thing about this past week is that I’ve had a weird emotional week… that included writers block. Really. That’s the truth. Weird. Emotional. Writer’s block. I sat in front of my computer countless times and typed “the thing about…” in as many fonts as my computer allows. And nothin’. It scared me. I know this happens… but I’ve never been one to have a loss for words. I love writing. I love talking. I love this blog.

Why am I telling you this? There’s a good reason. Here’s the story…

During these past few days of blockage an amazing, beautiful, smart, delicious woman who I have been blessed to call my friend for 15 years was lovingly supporting me and asked “So, what is the mission statement of Soap Box Therapy?” The mission statement? Well, now that’s one question I don’t have an answer to. It got me thinking…’cause that’s what I do.

I thought about the expectations we put on ourselves and others. To be or look or say or do… everything right. I thought about how people don’t always think about where others might be coming from- that their past led them to act or say or be a certain way, and they deserve to be understood. I thought about my deep belief that we are all born good, no exceptions…I thought about really angry people and how hard it must be to live in their shoes. I thought about how curiosity is the sexiest quality in a partner. I thought about my philosophy on life… that we all need to be seen for who we really are, be heard for what we really say and be loved in a way that makes us feel like the universe is damn lucky to have us around.

That’s what I thought about.

Then I realized… the reason I started Soap Box Therapy is to have a space to give people the permission to be themselves, everything included. I decided that if this is what I want to preach, I better get on board and practice it. So, I’m coming clean. I’m being myself. I’m telling you I had writers block. I’m telling you that sometimes I want to write something that I’m proud of, but it just doesn’t happen, and then I judge myself for not being…whatever enough. And then it goes away...and then it comes back another time. And I continue to grow. Love it.

Is that my mission statement? I’m not sure, I’m still working on it. But, in the meantime…I invite you to join me. Be yourself. Come clean. Take off your mask. Allow whatever is there, to be there. Be curious about yourself, it’s sexy.

Love love love,
Brooke.

Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com!

The thing about labels...

2009-07-29T06:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Brooke,
I married the most incredible man in the world. He is everything I ever dreamed I would meet and has surpassed every expectation I have ever had of the man & relationship I would one day find.

Everything, that is, except for one tiny thing that seems to not be so tiny as our relationship grows. I am Jewish, and he is Catholic. I come from an Orthodox family and have a rabbi/cantor for a Grandfather. Neither my husband nor I are very religious but both come from families who are. My Husband has somehow won their hearts regardless of their hesitations regarding his religion and we managed to get married under a Chupah (Jewish wedding canopy) with blessings from nearly every member of our families.

We received those blessings only after my Husband-To-Be agreed to raise his unborn children Jewish. Now, as we seriously think about having children, I have an overwhelming sense of guilt. We were in an Orthodox Temple last weekend and as my husband left me to sit on the men's side wearing a kepah on his head, I could see how un-comfortable he was and it entirely broke my heart.

How can I prepare myself to raise my children Jewish without feeling as though I have stripped my Husband of teaching them his faith instead? Furthermore, how can I prepare myself to not break the promise I have made to myself and fail to raise them in a Jewish home in order to make my beloved Husband more comfortable in his own home?

Thanks,
Guilty Jew

Dear you gorgeous guilty love,

I’m just gonna jump right in…My first question is: What does it mean to raise your kids Jewish? What does it mean to you? I hear phrases like this all the time… “I want to raise my kids Jewish” or “My family wants us to raise our kids Jewish” So many people throw around words like this and decide things like how to raise their kids without really thinking about what it actually means. No wonder things can get so confusing...

The thing about labels is that they mean different things to different people. In order to responsibly use a label, we need to know what it means in our own hearts. Raising my kids “successful” for example, is going to mean something different to me as to you. Success is subjective, and so is Religion. Saying you want to raise your kids “Jewish” is more ambiguous than you know… In today’s modern-beautiful-diverse-spiritually-curious society religion has almost more definitions than love.

When you promise to raise your kids with a label that you yourself haven’t even defined yet as a family, as a couple, what does that promise really mean? So, I’m going to ask you to define it…for you.

Sit down with your sweet hubby and each have a piece of paper. On the top of yours, write: “Raising my kids Jewish means…” the paper will have a list that includes or doesn’t include things like, having a bar/bat mitzvah, having a briss, lighting candles on Friday night and having dinner as a family, going to Hebrew school, celebrating high holidays, referring to complaining as “kvetching” and heavy sweating as “schvitzing”… are you thinking orthodox, conservative, reform, kabbalistic/mystical, or Secular Yiddish word using Jew? Ahh, the possibilities. On the top of his write “Raising my kids Catholic means” and have him do the same exercise.

Then, sit down as a family. You and him…and talk about it. Why is that particular tradition or ceremony important to you? Is it to satisfy your grandfather and the ambiguous promise you made to your other relatives…or is it because it makes you cry with joy even thinking about including it in your life? What compromises are each of you willing to make? How can you hold and respect one another’s history…and how can you instill that respect into your children?

Share with your partner, and hear from him. Talk, discuss, and deliberately and responsibly build your foundation as Mr. and Mrs. Not-so-guilty-anymore Jew. If you are the artsy creative type, you can even make a final draft of the family traditions that you want to start with and post it in your home to remind both of you of this conversation and experience, and to have accountability within your partnership.

Just a little PS. If you have something like “go to services every Friday night”… don’t wait until your kids arrive. If it’s that important to you, start now (or continue), with your family of 2.

You can also do this exercise, and I recommend it, with non-religious traditions. This will give you and your man a great opportunity to build an even stronger foundation and family.

No matter how many promises you made to whoever you made them to…when it comes down to it, your kids are going to be a little bit of you, a little bit of the Mr. and a lot a bit of themselves. You can’t pretend that your Catholic husband, who you love through and through, and his family traditions just simply don’t exist-and you know that. You can inspire your kids and give them a foundation but eventually they are going to take the path that feels right in their own hearts.

Your struggle is so beautiful… it shows how much you love and respect your husband as well as yourself. Seeing that will be more valuable to your children than anything else…I promise.

Love,
Brooke.

Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com Your identity will be private!!!

The thing about the past...

2009-07-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Brooke,

I have been dating my boyfriend for just over two years. We are happy and in love. Although our relationship has always been good, it has been a long road to this point. When I first met him he was freshly (less than 2 months) out of a 7 year relationship. In the end of the relationship, his girlfriend had given him an ultimatum of marriage or an end to the relationship. He decided to propose and she accepted. A short time later, she changed her mind, for reasons unknown to me, and left him. Needless to say, it took him a long time to be able to offer himself fully to me. A year of patience, care and devotion eventually allowed him to feel comfortable and we have been very happy ever since.

A few days ago I was looking through his office searching for a paper clip. I looked into the drawer of his desk and saw a jewelry box nudged in the very back. Of course, I couldn't help myself and I opened it expecting to find a pair of cuff links. I barely opened it, saw a diamond ring and quickly snapped it shut. My immediate response was that it must have been the ring from his previous proposal but it was still shocking and thrilling. I spent the next three days working through my head what it could be. I had never seen the box before but I'm not sure I've dug that deep into his desk before. You could probably call me a snoop so if I had seen the box before, there is no doubt that I would have opened it.

We rarely speak of marriage and it is always in a future tense since we are still working on the idea of living together at some point. Neither of us is totally sold on marriage in general but I feel like he might be affected because most of his friends are about to get married or are already married with children. He is nearing 40 and has been talking a lot about getting his life on track. I can't understand why he would keep the ring from his past engagement I’m having trouble figuring out what to think but I have a very strong feeling that the ring is not intended for me.

I really just want to know where this ring came from. Is it possible that it was from his past engagement, and if so, what does that mean? Is he still holding on? Is it a reminder of what he doesn't want? If it's not from his past engagement, then is it for me? Did he buy it impulsively one day or has he been planning it out?

Should I tell him that I saw it or should I keep this secret to myself? If we ever do get engaged I want it to be a surprise and I want it to be for the best reasons. I don't know how I'll react either way, if it is for me (gasp!) or if it is from the past (weird).

I've been trying to put the image out of my mind since I saw it. I wish it had never happened. I can't talk to any of my friends about it because I know that they'll have biased opinions and then they'll be expecting something that might never happen. I want to feel neutral about the whole thing because I love this man so much, I don't want to be effected by something I saw accidentally. Please help!

Sincerely
confused & feeling secretive

Dear Confused and Feeling Secretive,

So I wish I could know who that ring did or did not belong to or it may or may not be gifted to. But, you and I both know that I’m wishing into the wind. You said “I have a very strong feeling that the ring is not intended for me” so I’m going to respond based on your gut feeling. Let this be a first Soap Box Therapy lesson of many to come that our gut is more often that not, worth listening to…

First of all my love, know that feeling totally out of sorts is so perfect. If you were feeling “neutral” then I really would be worried about you. So, embrace that crazy feeling in your stomach and let’s talk... No matter how you found the ring, or if you were looking for it or not, what you are really asking me is… does he love me or her? Am I the one or is his past winning out? Right?

So there are so many possible reasons your boyfriend’s past relationship ended, right? No matter what the reason is, my suspicion is that regardless of the fact that he is totally in love with you, he is still holding on to the hurt and has not fully moved on from that difficult situation in his life. I mean, lets break it down… he was manipulated into a proposal that he didn’t necessarily want by an ultimatum, and then he got burned and dumped. Um, hello! He probably felt lower and angrier than ever after that experience. Can we say trust issues? It’s so noble that you stuck with him and let him take the time he needed to feel safe in a new relationship. You are a gem.

The thing about pasts is that everyone has one. Everyone. And no matter how hard we wish… they don’t suddenly vanish once we come along and sweep our partners off their feet. As much as we want to deny that our partners might still be affected by their past once they fall madly and deeply in love with us… it’s just not the case. Our past is always present…

Now that we have established that we are listening to your gut and your boyfriend has a past…let’s talk about communication. The communication in your relationship around the subject of “the past” I suspect so far has been on his terms. Meaning he is pretty touchy about what went on and you’ve been the loving patient girlfriend and haven’t probed where you may not be welcomed with open arms. You’ve been kind and sweet, waiting for him to be ready to share himself. The issue is, when we don’t talk about things, it usually means we are still holding on.

I’m not saying that everyone needs to share everything about their past with their partner…I believe we all have the right to our own stories… but in this case I think it’s time to communicate and ask some questions.

Thank goodness all of that crap happened in his life because now you get him, it’s perfect! But you, you patient sweet loving woman, don't deserve for all his past stuff to find itself a nice little suppressed home in your relationship... Begin to talk to your partner. Don’t blame, don’t point fingers… just ask. Ask about his past. Tell him you are ready to know. Ask things like, “How did you feel when” and “How was that for you?” Tackle the underlying issues which are commitment, fear, untold stories, and communication in general. Make sure those issues are on the forefront of the conversation. It’s not the actual ring you want to talk about, but what it represents.

If it is a ring from his past the reason to keep it is because, to get rid of it officially means that the hurt is real, that it actually happened- that messed up horrible unfair situation actually happened. No more denial, no more suppressing the feelings. I would be utterly shocked if he sits there and gazes longingly at the ring everyday.... he doesn't love that girl anymore, he loves you. But that doesn't mean he is over it and not pissed or embarrassed or even a little shameful about what went down. That ring represents the ultimatum and all the crappy feelings and decisions that came along with it.

Forgive him for being human, for having a past and holding onto it. Thank his past for making him a stronger more careful and deliberate person. Remind him how amazing you are by creating the space for him to share and communicate and release the stories and the feelings he has been holding onto with an iron grip for years. No matter who that ring does, did, or will belong to... its time to start talking with your man.

Love,
Brooke

Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com Your identity will be private!!!

The thing about siblings...

2009-07-24T15:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Brooke,

I am having a dilemma about how to handle a situation with my mother. I am 27 years old and realized when I went away to college that my mother's neediness had been an impediment to me during my childhood. I've worked out a lot of my issues with her and my father since then, but am currently stuck.

My brother is 19 and is living with my mom (my parents are recently separated). He doesn't go to college (dropped out of community college after a few months) and doesn't have a job. He is a great kid, but is very discouraged. He doesn't know what he wants to do and doesn't like to get suggestions. He was labeled as ADD very young and I believe my parents low expectations of him have led him to have this attitude.

Many people have told my mother (me included) that she needs to stop giving him money (which he uses to go out with friends and buy pot) but she has always been better at being a "friend" than a mother. I think she is scared that he will get really depressed and mad at her or she is just scared to assert herself as mother. Recently she said she was ready to put her foot down and tell him if he doesn't get a job she won't give him money. But she hasn't done it yet.

I was wondering how I can help in this situation? Should I tell her I won't speak to her until she does it? In the past I told her not to talk to me about my brother--that I don't want her talking to me about her problems in general--but I really care about him and nothing I do to try and help works. It should also be noted that my dad gives him money but has basically no relationship with him at all--not sure how he could make a difference but figured it was useful to note (especially since one of my mom's 'excuses' is that she has to handle the situation herself).

Any advice is much appreciated.

Regards,
Sad Sister

Hi Sweet Darling,

First of all, I want to note it’s interesting that you started by asking me what to do about a situation with your mom, but signed the letter "sad sister"…You are in so many places at once, trying to fix so many relationships at the same time…

Ok, I’m just going to launch right into it… I think there is a part of you, deep down and totally unconsciously, that is having a hard time separating your relationship with your mom from your brothers’ relationship with your mom. I imagine that it’s hard for you to watch the unhealthiness between your mom and brother right before your eyes, similar to what you worked so hard to move past. Your moms “neediness”-her need to be a good mom, a good friend- is really hard for you to witness. You experienced it first hand and healed from it on so many levels. It makes sense that you would want your brother to move forward and experience that same healing. But my love, here’s the truth…you are not your brother, your brother is not you. Here’s why this is important to really understand…

Your journey went a little something like this… Your mother treated you like a friend and needed you to be a certain kind of person for her to feel like a good mom. You went away to college and finally got far enough out of the house to realize how much your mother’s stuff had been “impeding” on you. You did a ton of work on yourself and grew immensely. Now, you are a 27 year old strong amazing person…

Your little bro is on a different journey. He was home after you went away to college. He was there with your parents as they entered a place in their marriage where it became clear things weren’t going to work out. He was witness to that first hand, he literally lived it. That’s huge. There are so many maybes with him… maybe he wants to stay home because he just needs to right now. Maybe he is way sadder than you could ever imagine. Maybe he has been through stuff in life that you don’t realize. Maybe leaving for college is not the best thing for him right now… maybe it is. Maybe Maybe Maybe…

You don’t know for sure what your brothers going through because he is his own person. One thing I can promise you for sure is that he isn’t going through what you went through. The thing about siblings is that in many cases we grew up in the same home, with the same family, going to the same school, etc. but the trick is… we’re not the same. Relationships between siblings are the strongest when they allow each other to be who they are, and travel this life in the way they need to individually…and love each other despite their different paths.

Your brother has his own path…his own process. The most amazing beautiful thing you can do for him is to support and love him as he takes the steps that are right for him while not hoping or asking him to change. Have trust that he will get to where he needs to be when he needs to be there.

There are so many things happening in your family right now to be mindful of. Not only your brother, but take a moment to think about your mom and what she might be going through. Maybe she wants your brother to stay because her marriage just ended and she feels scared. Maybe she doesn’t want to be an empty nester. Maybe she can’t handle so much at once. Maybe she is way sadder than you can ever imagine. Maybe she has been for a long time. Maybe she is doing the best she can with what she has…Maybe Maybe Maybe.

My advice: Nurture the relationships that you have and that you are a part of. Call your brother. Ask him how he is. Listen. Tell him you love him. Call your mom. Ask her how she is. Listen. Tell her you love her. Cherish those relationships deeply, be deliberate about the energy and love you put into them. Be cognizant that people need different things at different times and just because they are family, it doesn’t mean we know what they’re going through. I know, you hate hearing that. You are doing so amazing and your heart could not be in a righter place.

PS…here is the most important part… your self care through all of this. Choose not to feel guilty for growing. Choose not to feel bad for moving forward. Here’s the deal... When we grow in our lives in some positive way a few things happen. 1, we think that everyone should go down the same path towards that growth because we want them to experience the same goodness we have and 2. if they don’t, we feel so guilty that we are happy and free which makes us want #1 even more. Get it? Choose not to let that happen. Let your mom go through the loss of her marriage and the possible loss of her son as he begins to grow. And let your brother be a separate fabulous guy and go on a separate fabulous journey. Be there to witness it. Tell him you love him. Yes, again. Do what you need to do for you and trust trust trust that on some level, your brother and mom are doing the same…

Ok, everyone take a big deep loving juicy breath. Virtual hugs from me to you gorgeous… like, a ton of them.

Love,
Brooke.

Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com Your identity will be private!!!

The thing about food...

2009-07-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

So our bodies, these amazing gorgeous vessels, hold everything. Everything. All our stuff. Really. Like, all of it. When we are sad and don't tell anyone, that sadness gets stored in our bodies. When we are angry and don't communicate, that anger gets stored in our bodies. When we have scary and uncomfortable experiences... you guessed it, that fear hangs out in our bodies.

We end up with all of these emotions in our bodies that are filling us to the rim and are truly overwhelming to even think about. Like the closet you keep promising to clean out, but it's just way too huge a task to even start, so you don't, and then it just keeps getting more and more out of control and you become less and less likely to tackle it. Ya, this is like that.

Instead of taking on the massive and sometimes painful task of cleaning out our bodies, sharing our feelings and being…wait for it... vulnerable, SO many amazing beings just push it all away and cover it all up. It’s a good trick actually, it’s called denial.

For an unbelievable number of people, the cover-up of choice is food. The thing about food for so many amazing people is that it’s the perfect solid, dense, thick nothing-is-getting-past-this-sucker cover up. First, we push all the emotions and experiences that we aren't ready to release, we don’t want to talk about, and we don’t want to admit down into the depths of our bodies. Then we throw a bunch of food that we likely aren’t physically hungry for on top of them. Then, we win. ‘Cause the only feeling we have accessible is fullness. "I feel full.” No need to deal with any of the other feelings because fullness is here to save the day! Ya, you bet you're full-of everything other than food in the first place. Congratulations. Denial and suppression of your amazing perfect human feeling self…accomplished.

Oh, an important point... this doesn't just relate to those of you out there who have sadness, hurt, and anger. It's also for those of you who have unachieved potential, unmet self confidence, unaccomplished goals, etc. When we suppress anything, whether it’s a horrible trauma, a crappy break up, or an amazing part of ourselves that we haven't yet introduced to the world....we get full. And for human beings, it’s way easier to be full of food, than of feelings.

Here is the big announcement my loves… the food doesn’t make the feelings go away, it just tricks you into thinking they have. I’m not saying never again down a pint of double chocolate chunk after a royally crappy day… I’m just asking you to think about it.

Love love love,
Brooke.

Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com Your identity will be private!!!

The thing about low self esteem...

2009-07-20T11:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Brooke,

I heard about your blog and upcoming website and I thought I'd give it a try. Funny, we're both in the 'counseling' biz, but unfortunately, often times what I preach isn't always what I practice!

I'm a gay Latino dude in San Francisco. I was in an 8 year relationship but after a long grueling 8 years we decided to split/separate/divorce/get the hell out of each other's site because it wasn't working. I noticed patterns of abuse developing over the years but spent a lot of hours in therapy either ignoring or just suppressing what I really wanted, which was to find a guy that was as cool as me, but not so intense and definitely not an alcoholic.

So I've taken a year hiatus since my last relationship to be with myself. I've enjoyed it, but lately as I think most human creatures do, wanted to find some company. I found another cool gay Latino dude in Southern California, where I used to live and decided hey, why not give it a shot!?

So, I planned a weekend to go to visit my new "bu" and we laughed, we cried, we talked, we ate, we ate some more and then we drank too much. It was great to talk politics, life, culture, literature- up until we got kicked out of two bars because of his obnoxious behavior. He literally turned into some psycho demon from planet Smirnoff! He threw a drink at the doorman, telling him to “f*#k off” and totally ignored me until we returned to his house. Despite the night and in the midst of his begging, I decided to forget the night and just say “hey, we all have a bad night!”

The next night, he drank too much again, and got kicked out of restaurant.....yeah, a restaurant, my favorite one in Southern California, for the same behavior. I think that time he actually spit his drink on someone. At his house, I confronted his issues with liquor and being upset he became defensive and started insulting me about things that really made little to no sense. Something about my grammar? Before I knew it he kicked me out of his apartment, while throwing my bag/clothes and whatever out the door! I tried to go back, but he threatened me!

SO I hurried to grab all my stuff and called my ex boyfriend to seek shelter/refuge/some one to calm me down. I left in desperation, and with so much sadness disappointment. SO my question is how do you get over the disappointment and the hope that this person ever change? I hate the saying 'love takes time' but what else can I do? Should I even do anything? I feel like I'm getting too old for this. I guess I need some validation for not putting up with BS and ending the enabling.........

Sincerely,
Bipolar disaster lover.

Oh my darling dearest Bipolar-disaster-lover,

Here’s the deal. First of all, you are officially validated for “no longer putting up with BS and giving up the enabling”. That being said, let’s talk about patterns.

We all have patterns. In love-in life-in everything in between. Some patterns are fabulous and work well for us…and some don’t. Our patterns in love stick around until we either give up and settle, get so hurt we wake up and change, or reach out and ask for help because we feel in our gut that something is just not right. You are stuck in a pattern of being with people who are not healthy (this guy…not healthy) so I’m glad you asked for some guidance…but just because you’re asking, doesn’t mean it’s going be easy to hear the answer.

My first question is: do you really want to change? Do you really want a better, healthier, more mature relationship? Because you say it well and you say it proud, but the truth is you, honey child, are just saying it. I know love, I know. But it’s true. It sounds good, it sounds noble, it sounds healthy…but it’s just talk. Let me explain…

One of my favorite questions to ask in therapy is “Has it traveled through your neck?” This means, you’re thinking good thoughts in your head, you are definitely smart enough to really understand that you want to find a good healthy partner who doesn’t have an alcohol problem and isn’t abusive to your personhood. But these amazing ideas, these perfect understandings are stuck in that head of yours… they haven’t traveled through your neck; they haven’t touched your heart. You are intellectualizing love, you are thinking, not feeling. But there is a reason for that…low self-esteem. Same reason you “ignored” and “suppressed” in therapy in the past. Your heart doesn’t think it deserves these good juicy thoughts.

So imagine this… there is this gorgeous ball of gold goodness in your heart but it’s surrounded by yuck. It’s caked with past hurt, family ick, and experiences you would rather forget. There is literally a film of low self-esteem covering up your inner gold! The low self-esteem does everything in its power to make sure that “I want and deserve a good healthy fabulous person to share my life with” never gets through to your heart. It’s like the ideas are one side of a magnet and the self esteem is the other… they just can’t get close… one keeps the other away.

A challenge from me to you… or maybe, a gift: Work on building your self esteem. This is going to take a ton of work and commitment. Chip away at that gunk on your heart and reveal that inner ball of gorgeous gold that you and every other human has inside. You are a smart, strong, proud Latino man who anyone would be lucky to be with…so start acting like it! Have you ever seen an extremely confident person allow themselves to be treated the way you got treated last weekend? Um, I don’t think so. Do you deserve a delicious fantastic human being as a partner? Of course you do. Are you a delicious fantastic human being? Of course you are… if you want to be. If you choose to be. So choose.

The thing about low self esteem is that when it’s loud and present, and we aren’t truly madly deeply ready to work on it, we unconsciously seek out partners who will help us out in keeping our self esteem exactly where it is. Low. If we’re not ready to change, we’re not going to find someone who will push us. We like to be comfortable. Period.

Patterns are hard to break. It’s uncomfortable! As soon as you’re ready though, as soon as you believe you are lovable and truly deserve happiness you will find someone who is kind, smart, funny and who doesn’t abuse substances or people. Then you will most likely feel a little… bored. Where’s the drama? Where are the games and the making me feel like crap? But hold tight… that’s just growing pains… your patterns are changing. Congratulations.

Love love love,
Brooke

SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO SOAPBOXTHERAPY@GMAIL.COM! YOUR IDENTITY WILL BE PRIVATE!!!

The thing about this economy...

2009-07-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Brooke,
Here is my dilemma:

My husband and I own a lake house and love to have weekend guests to share it with. I have no problem providing the accommodations (beds; bath, etc); the issue is more about food and gas for water toys.

The lake house is in a small town with one grocery store which is extremely over-priced. With that said – I do most of my grocery shopping in the larger towns nearby (45 – 60 minutes away) to save money as well as buying better quality foods. We also do not have many restaurants nearby. Since I buy most if not all the food – having people over gets costly in this economy. I end up preparing and buying all the meals. It gets awkward to ask people to bring food or meals, as does asking them to chip in on gas for the “toys”.

I am not sure the best way to handle this without alienating friends and family but affording all this is getting to be an issue. I hate the idea of waiting for company to arrive and then making a trip to the local store since the selection is limited and the quality not great.
Any suggestions or advice?

Thanks,
Not Lady Jane

Dear Not Lady Jane,

Wow, lucky you!! You have a lake house to escape to! And lucky your friends and family that get to come and relax also…on your dime! HELLO! The thing about this economy is that… we’re all in it. Together. If alienating your friends and family would be the result of being a realistic human being who doesn’t happen to have a money tree growing in the back yard, well then, I’m not sure what to say about that. My guess is, your friends and family are perplexed as to how you have even been affording these getaways, food, toys, etc… so it’s time to let them in on your little secret, and get realistic.

So many people are under the false impression that they need money to make and keep friends. They need things to buy people’s respect. Well, you are too fabulous to worry about impressing people either with your stuff or with your ability to provide everything for everyone. You are too fabulous to be friends with people who love you conditionally. I hereby release you of being an over the top superhuman. So, gather your understanding and cool normal human friends and here’s what you do…

This economy calls for some major creativity and community. My proposal is this: Move away from the “NLJ 4 star Hotel” model and towards the “Participate, pitch in, and don’t be a mooch” model. Here’s what I mean…

People like to feel included, involved, and like they matter…

Step 1. Go to a website like www.brokeassgourmet.com and get help creating a menu for the weekend away. A site like this has recipes that are cheap and easy, but creative and fun to make. Write down the menu with all of the ingredients, prep time, and leave a space for “head chef”

Step 2: Send the menu to your friends coming to stay. Either in email form or drop it off at their place. Attach a cute letter saying something along the lines of… “We are so eager for this weekend! We know it’s going to be so much fun. So, please check out the menu below, ‘cause we’re trying something new! Each family/couple will pick a meal to manage. For that meal you will bring the ingredients and any sides you want to add and the rest of the group will be your cooking staff!! The Not Lady Jane’s will provide the kitchen of course, appetizers, and beverages. We are so excited to cook good food with good company. YUM! See you Friday!”

A project like this will challenge you to release some control and count on others. But it will also build your creativity and ability to be realistic and inclusive. Not only will you be the hostess with the mostess, but you will have shown that you are human and not just a friend with money...leading to tons of respect from everyone around you. Who knows, maybe your friends will even feel more comfortable confiding in you about their money challenges!

And as far as asking for gas for the water toys... Just ask. Really, just ask. Make a cute little “gas for toys” container and ask everyone to contribute. If they leave in a huff because they were asked to respectfully add to the pot… let them leave. And don’t ask them back. They’re not cool enough for you. Period.

I can only hope that the upside of these challenging economic times is more creativity, more respect for material things and more appreciation for the people in our hearts, rather than the stuff in our space. Hopefully this is the start…and when that money tree again begins to sprout in your backyard, I hope you continue to leave your super human cape at home.

Love,
Brooke.

SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO SOAPBOXTHERAPY@GMAIL.COM! YOUR IDENTITY WILL BE PRIVATE!!!

The thing about loss...

2009-07-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Brooke,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and although I initiated it, I've been pretty sad ever since. It's funny, I actually thought I would be able to bypass all that yucky breakup stuff because it wasn't dramatic, nobody was angry, and I genuinely thought it was a good idea. The actual event was fine, heartbreaking, but it went smoothly. I still do think I did the right thing although breaking up with anyone regardless of the person, scenario, or relationship an utterly gut-wrenching experience.

Anyway, I've been going through various waves of emotion the past few weeks and basically just trying to get my bearings and breathe and move on. Since the moment I cut this person loose, this person that I care about, my entire attitude flipped around. Before, I felt stuck, like I couldn't accomplish anything. There was this person that was holding me back from life and causing me to feel very stagnant and old. And then after "fixing" my situation, ie, breaking up with him, suddenly I was racked with all of this fear and the qualities in him I was condemning seemed so trivial!

I would think "So what if he's got his quirks and he can't dance and doesn't make me laugh? He genuinely cares about my successes and failures and listens to me when I need to vent, and does nice things for me, and is a grown up, and etc, etc” And I suddenly started to say to myself, "You idiot, now you've gone and done it. Good luck ever finding that again, plus all the other things that you want."

I keep going on and on back and forth in my head, till I can’t tell what's real and what's not, what I truly feel and what's just fear. There's all this residue, it feels, of past trauma bubbling to the surface pointing me in different directions and spinning out of control (I lost my mom and broke up with my last boyfriend around the same time).

I can't help but wonder, is this what happens to people? Slowly but surely, as we go from relationship to relationship and endure pain and heartache and the intense experience of falling in love and losing people we bond with, are we cutting off from our abilities to actually be in a functional relationship? Or is it all ingrained in us from childhood, and our parents, etc? I'm so freaking confused with love that I just don't want to be a part of it. But I know I don't want to be alone, so here I am...totally terrified of both being in a relationship (committing to someone, sleeping in the same bed, sharing my time) and not being in a relationship (bitterness, chocolate, movies, and loads of loneliness)

What the hell is up with this awful dilemma?

Thanks,
Utterly Confused.

My Darling Confused,

What are we really talking about here? Loss. OK, get some tissue because the loss of your mom has a lot to do with all of this. Here we go.

You are looking for a partner, not a mother. A good mother (using your quote about your ex) “genuinely cares about your successes and failures and listens to you when you need to vent, and does nice things for you, and is a grown up, etc. etc…” a good partner is and does those things too, but is also someone you can have fun with, laugh with, and grow with...oh, and hopefully you want to have sex with too, but you knew that. It seems like this guy was a great parental figure for you (you even said he made you feel old!), and filled a much needed space for you at the time. He’s not a bad person…he’s just not your person.

This sadness and confusion you feel is so right on, so appropriate, so perfect. Let me explain…Every time you have a loss, a little piece of the emotion you felt when you lost your mother will come to surface. For you, loss=losing mom. So, losing a boyfriend= a little bit of losing mom. It’s just the way we work…and it sucks sometimes, but it’s actually pretty amazing how our inner worlds function. Our emotions take every opportunity they can to release what our brains and hearts have been holding onto. This is nothing short of an amazing opportunity for you. So it’s time, you beautiful woman, to do some work on your relationship.... with loss.

The thing about loss is that so many people who lose a loved one look everywhere to try and replace that person in some way, usually without even knowing that they’re doing it, and they end up with someone who’s not everything they want or need.

It seems you are smart enough to know that although you have not fully (no such thing really) moved through the loss of your mother, you are still not looking to replace her. You get it. If you didn’t get it, you would still be dating that nice guy who happens to make you feel old and stagnant and isn’t everything you are looking for. You would have settled to be with someone who gave you some mom-taking-care-of-you energy and filled the empty space. But, you broke it off… so you get it. Congratulations, you are an emotionally developed star.

And by the way…Of course you are confused between being committed and being single. It's natural to want a relationship, you’re human. But you went through such a profound loss that it's no wonder you don't ever really want to fall into attachment, for fear of losing again. Utterly confused…ya, makes perfect sense.

Loss is not fun. Neither is settling for someone not right for you for all the wrong reasons. My advice: Go through the loss. Feel it. Think about your mom. Grieve. Respect the challenge. Be sad. Be sad. And then be sad a little more. Oh, and then be sad more. And cry a lot. Like, a ton. Realize that you have a relationship with loss that is unique to you and you get to take as long as you want to work on it. And when you’re ready, begin your healthy relationship with loss.

Emerge into the world one layer stronger, with more tools in your life-box. And then embrace the loving space in your heart that belongs to your mom and honor her by not trying to replace her. One day, you will find the person that you love and loves you back, and you’ll be with them through and through, with a little less fear that you will lose them, and a little more comfort in the possibility that you might.

With Love,

Brooke.

SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO SOAPBOXTHERAPY@GMAIL.COM! YOUR IDENTITY WILL BE PRIVATE!!!

The thing about balance...

2009-07-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Brooke,

I have been engaged for over a year and I am about to get married in August. I am very excited to have the wedding (planning) to be over with, and to start our married life together. My fiancé is doing very well in his career and has made significant advances at a very young age and I am so proud of him! I received my masters degree and have a job that I feel 50/50 about....I am not super attached to it, and don't plan on doing what I am doing forever.

My family lives out of the state and his family lives a short road trip away. I really want to join my family. Not only to be close to family, but to also be able to buy a house together! Currently we live in a city where it is impossible for us to ever be able to afford to buy a property. I refuse to pay rent the rent the rest of my life. I want a house where I can paint and knock down a wall if I want and a yard for our kids to play in one day...etc.

My fiancé, who once seemed on board for moving, now all of the sudden seems to be increasingly more apprehensive. I am a planning person and want to know where we will be in two, three...five years....I don't want to be selfish...especially because my fiancé is very attached to his work. I decided I was not going to bring this up with him until after the wedding…but I’m feeling stressed.

What should we/I do? I am feeling stuck, sad, and confused, and could use some guidance.

Sincerely,
Unsettled

Dear Unsettled,

What a perfect metaphor. You are engaged and not sold on your career and are looking for something to ground you and settle you...like a house. Neither renting the rest of your life nor owning are right or wrong, but both hold a certain stereotype and significance, let’s be honest. Renting… where to next? Owning…stay a while.

In my view, each human being has a certain capacity for the unknown, for that unsettled what’s coming next feeling. It sounds to me like you my darling dear, are at capacity. The amount of unknown and fear and oh my god and holy crap and pretending that everything is perfect that comes along with being engaged and planning a wedding in the first place is enough to put anyone over the edge!! But on top of it you don't love your career! Helloooo! It makes perfect sense that you would want a house, representing solidity and a foundation...being settled. Ahhh, to be settled, to land, to root down. Delish.

Funny though…the thing you say about a house is that you want to have a wall to knock down....everyone needs a project, a work in progress when everything else is settled…something to balance you out. The thing about balance is that when it comes down to it, it’s what we’re really searching for. Like, all the time. You, my love, are off balance… but there’s hope. Seriously.

Take Mr. Fiancé for example…Maybe renting a place with the possibility of living differently than he had planned (buying a home) is balancing the success and satisfaction he is experiencing in his career. He is settled and happy with what he is doing and all of the sudden…he no longer feels the need to move. He has enough solidity that a little unknown is just what the doctor ordered.

There is nowhere in your life right now that the solidity is shining for you, you are all unknown-ed out. So your feelings make more sense than you know. My suggestion to you is this: take a breath and wait. Wait until your marriage is solidified and the wedding is over. Be settled and secure in your relationship and notice how it feels. That’s it? Ya, that’s it.

I can only guarantee you one thing. If you are unsettled within yourself, in your career, and in your relationship all at the same time then no house and no wall to paint is going to solve anything for you. It’s just going to add to the to-do list that is making up your life right now. Allow yourself to feel the sweetness of being settled, hang out there for a while and then maybe, just maybe you’ll be ready to think about knocking down walls.

Balanced and Solid…sometimes,
Brooke.

SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO SOAPBOXTHERAPY@GMAIL.COM! YOUR IDENTITY WILL BE PRIVATE!!!

The thing about being human...

2009-07-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

The thing about being human is that we all are. Human, I mean.

A good friend of mine calls me and often begins our conversations with “hi, am I crazy?” and then proceeds to describe a feeling or a behavior that seems perfect and reasonable to me, but something inside of her questions that possibility. After listening to her predicament I usually say “You’re not crazy. Welcome to being human.”

“Why do we think about these things and do these things, but no one else does?” she says. Usually my reply sounds something like this: “(laugh, sigh) No one else? HA!”

Being human can feel like a disease sometimes. We run and hide from it, clean our hands a million times a day so we don’t get it--this yuck that is emotion, challenge, fear, and imbalance. We are all so afraid to embrace and be proud of the craziness inside because we assume it’s well, crazy. But the truth is we are all falling off balance, off kilter, and onto the crazy train because our idea of normal is totally completely and utterly…off.

What if “crazy” became the new it thing? What if feeling overwhelmed or insecure or the plethora of other feelings we usually experience secretly became, wait for it…popular. Sought after…umm, trendy? Like a new pair of jeans. What if it was trendy to be a mess? Not like a Hollywood rehab kind of thing, but human and confused and stressed and trying to make it all work and practicing and breathing and and and and. Would we love ourselves more? Would we accept ourselves more? What if being a real human, a perfect mess, was the new trend?

And that’s the thing about being. Human that is.

The thing about LOVE...

2009-07-12T20:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Brooke,

I'm a 37 year old Jewish woman and I come from a fairly "traditional" family. Dad was a doctor, mom stayed home and raised the kids, never really had her own career-really focused her life on raising two daughters. She did a great job, we all turned out well, got good educations, good jobs, and are relatively well adjusted.

I went through a divorce 5 years ago from my Jewish husband and shed the life that I always thought I was supposed to have. It was a pretty traditional marriage in the sense that he expected me to do more around the house, etc. but the interesting part is that I was also the primary breadwinner. I had a well paying marketing job which I didn't love, and he was following his passion to start a charter school from the ground. This was tough for me, and felt really stressful. As we started to think about having kids, it became clear that this relationship was not going to work.

So now its 5 years later, I've done a lot of work on myself. I have now been in a relationship with a French man for a year. He's not Jewish, but that hasn't really been an issue. I'm starting to stress out about a number of things right now because we've started to talk about having a family. My stress is leading to fear, and I feel myself getting uptight and resentful about some of the same things that I focused on in my marriage. The main difference between my relationship now and my relationship with my ex husband is that I really do love him. But, my boyfriend does not have a career and is making no money. It has been fine for the past year because I make enough money to pay for us both for a variety of things but when I think about potentially raising a family with this man, I feel the stress of being the primary bread winner and the mom.

I know that love is all you really need. My problem is I'm struggling with that. I can't imagine breaking up with him over this. But at the same time, if I want to have a family, I sort of have to start in the next year or so.... agh. very confusing. I want to believe he'll step up and change and be able to hold a job. But do I go into this and just assume I'll be the primary (and maybe only) breadwinner in the family, or do I walk away knowing that this is one of my issues that I just know is going to be a problem down the road....

What would you do?

Anxious and Confused, but in Love,
Hopeful Hannah

Dear Hopeful Hannah, you gorgeous woman,

There are so many things I want to say and know more about, especially the comment you made about your mom that she “never really had her own career"…

But when it comes down to it, what are we really talking about here? Love.

This is the way I believe it will go… You hope for something to happen (for him to get or keep a job, etc. and you get to stay home with your kids, etc). It doesn’t. You have sadness which turns into resentment (which you said you already have a little of -bad sign). Resentment turns into lack of respect. And lack of respect ultimately chips away at the love that you convinced yourself would make everything last forever.

My hopeful darling...although it is very romantic and beautiful to think that love will conquer all, the thing about love is that…it just doesn’t…conquer all that is. Love includes so many things… respect being one of them. You didn’t have the love with your ex husband that you wanted and that you truly deserve. That doesn’t mean that love is all you’re looking for! I ask you to think bigger than that. You are still on the lookout for everything you deserve- the big picture- love...and respect. Not perfection, but what’s right for you- to be with a person you are proud of and who will work with you to create the life you want.

It sounds to me like you weren’t happy with the way things went with your ex, so you are searching for something that feels NOTHING like that… interestingly enough, you have found yourself in a very similar situation on some level. Though a different religion, and different feelings, you are still with a man who lets you rule the roost. Seems like you keep looking for someone to take care of you, but continue to find yourself taking care of others...food for thought...

On the other end of the spectrum… if you do in fact have interest in being in a relationship where you are the bread winner and your husband/boyfriend/father of your children is a stay at home dad… all the power to you!! There is a new book out called “The Daddy Shift” (J.Smith) which I recommend if you are headed in that direction. It’s a progressive and beautiful way to live if it’s right for you. But, if it’s not, then it seems to me you have a lot to think about…

Love is amazing and wonderful and confusing and and and… Love is SO strong that it can make us believe that it can beat any challenge, or make everything confusing seem clear. Unfortunately, it’s a trick. Love is not all you need. Relationships are like houses. Love is in fact the foundation...but there’s a whole lot more to build on top of it.

With respect,
Brooke.

The thing about asking me for advice...

2009-07-10T13:39:00.000-07:00

The thing about asking me for advice is that you can… and you should.

And here’s how.

Send an email to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com with your question. Ask me about life, love, work… and everything and anything in between.

I’ll be able to see your email address, but that’s it… no one else will know your identity. Sign your question with the name you would prefer to be used on Soap Box Therapy. Dear Abby style my darlings.

Not all questions will be responded to…bummer, I know. But check back onto the blog to see if your question is posted!

Just as a little disclaimer… I may edit your question for Soap Box Therapy. I will never change the integrity of your question, or add things to your voice, but I may need to make it shorter for the site, etc.…just as a heads up.

Ok, ask away!

That’s the thing about asking me for advice!

The thing about purses...

2009-07-10T10:01:00.000-07:00

Brooke,
Ha, I think I needed to hear that it's okay I'm not "perfect" today! I left my purse at a very busy public park this evening. Luckily my knight in shining armor (aka my husband) hopped on his scooter to retrieve it for me when I realized what I had done. Even more luckily it was still there an hour and a half after I left it, thanks to some wonderful strangers who spotted it and kept it safe for me! I can't believe I did that -- it is the third time I have lost/almost lost my purse in 15 months. Didn't have a problem with this until recently, so what gives?

The thing about purses is that they really are… our baggage.

Our purses are so representative of our crap, our to-do list, our money, and everything in between… and we lug it around on our shoulders! Nuts. How many times have you heard a woman say “my life is in this bag!” I know I’ve even said it.

So my love, from over here it seems like you are asking the universe for a break. Just take my to-do list, take my crap and just hold it for a minute and let me BREATHEEEEEE! Let me roll my shoulders, let my neck drop and just not have anything on my plate. Seriously, I’m done. Let me be oblivious of all my responsibilities and run free of my bag and my baggage.

The universe truly gave you and your shoulder some time to breathe. My suggestion you perfect being you, turn off your phone and go get a massage… sounds like you need a little break from it all.

And that’s the thing about purses…

The thing about Soap Box Therapy...

2009-07-09T09:14:00.000-07:00

The thing about Soap Box Therapy is that it’s about celebrating human condition…

We are all a frickin’ mess on some level. It’s just the way it goes, so welcome to life, stay a while. So stop trying so hard to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous… cause you already are, just by breathing. If you feel like you’re trying too hard, you are. That’s it. Really, that’s it.

Here’s my shtick… I don’t know you, but I know if you are human, and I’m assuming you are, that you are beautiful- because that’s just how I roll. But you are also not perfect. Sorry to break it to you, darling. That's OK though because perfection isn’t allowed in our little club. If you are perfect, go back to your planet, because earth doesn’t want you, you little alien child.

Soap Box Therapy is about connecting to one another with no judgment, no should’s, just connection, acceptance for where you are in the moment, and maybe a little sprinkle of tough love… oh, and I might talk about your childhood a bit. Sorry.

It’s important to get some food for thought once in a while, some advice about all the little things and big things that drive you nuts, that take up space in your mind, that cause ick in your body. And sometimes you don’t want to ask, you just want to listen and see if there is something you connect with, something that perks your interest and reminds you that you are in fact still a part of things.

There are also going to be times you don’t want to feel better…. You just want to eat the pint (or gallon depending on the situation) of ice cream and call it a night, or a week, or whatever.

I’m not here to push you to be ready for something your not, to feel something you don’t. But when you’re ready to go there, I’ll be waiting… on my soap box.

And that’s the thing about Soap Box Therapy.

The thing about me...

2009-07-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

The thing about me is that I’m an opinion person.

I have opinions about, well, pretty much everything. I'd love to say that I’m always right, but I know I’m not, and that’s what makes me human. My passion is voicing my opinions. The best moments are when, in doing so, I make someone think...just a little bit differently than they did before. Maybe with more openness, more humility, or maybe just a little less self judgment and hatred. Call me humanitarian.

As a kid, my best friends were a large rock in front of my house, my Tiffany tape which covered hits such as “I Think We're Alone Now”, and my mom (priming me for co-dependence and enmeshment issues, but more on that another time). My kindergarten teacher Mrs. Zilkie thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, and told people to “watch out for Brooke, she is going to make something of herself.” A year later in first grade, I got stuck in a bathroom stall and thought I was going to die there…so much for making something of myself. It was the first and only time in my life that I didn’t speak up. I didn’t yell or scream. I just sat there and hoped someone would come, someone would find me, rescue me. But as it turns out, you have to speak to be heard, who knew?

And that’s why I’m here. This is a space for you to speak up, ask for help, be heard, and listen. It’s a space for me to help you out—this is after all, what I do for a living. And I love talking. My therapist friends call me an “extroverted thinker”-- basically a really nice way of saying that I put it all out there. And they’ve also told me I’m smart. So I’m going with it… I’m not only saying, but writing what I think. And being smart about it.

So speak up, be heard, and listen…lets see what happens.

And that’s the thing about me.