The thing about being normal is that I have no idea what that means. Seriously, what is normal?
I was talking to a girlfriend of mine when she said “I just want to be normal already!" and I asked, "What does that even look like?" She proceeded to tell me that she wanted to have no worries, no problems, and no stresses. She wanted to have no drama, and wanted to know herself through and through…never feeling angry or unbalanced. For instance, like her sister. Um, Ya right, I thought to myself. Is that normal…or delusional?
So, what is normal anyway? Curious, I went to a dictionary online which states normal is “conforming to the standard or the common type” Hm. Conforming, huh? Personally, when I conform to what is seen to be standard, I feel… well, abnormal. Out of my skin. Fake. Fraudulent. Like an impostor. When I’m not me- when I’m trying to be the me that makes me more like, well, anyone other than me…normal is the farthest from how I feel. You follow?
The only time I feel normal per-say is when I’m myself through and through. That’s when I feel grounded, tall (energetically, lets be honest), strong. It’s when I kindly ask for what I need and kindly decline what I don’t. It’s when I tell someone…respectfully, honestly, gently …how I feel. It’s when I express myself. Myself. Not the standard or common type.
There is nothing normal about amazing I-wouldn’t-want-a life-without-it things, like creativity or nature or beauty. What is normal about the ocean? That gorgeous mass of life and love and color is not standard. Not common. Real. I’ll say it again… real. Yum.
My mom always said… “If everyone in the world were the same, life would be boring.” I couldn’t agree more.
And that’s the thing about being normal.
Love,
Brooke.
send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com!!! Can't wait to hear from you!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The thing about falling in love with multiple people...
Dear Brooke,
What are your thoughts on polyamory? Not as an institution (as in the Mormon faith, where men have multiple wives) but as a legitimate feeling men and women who are partnered might have toward someone outside of their marriage/partnership. Is it possible to truly love multiple people with equal depth?
--Questioning Quinn.
Dear Quinn,
My thoughts, huh? OK darling, here are my thoughts…
First of all, a little thing about love. Love is a tool we unconsciously and justifiably use to allow undeveloped or underdeveloped parts of ourselves grow to their full capacity. Being in love and having someone in love with us helps us become the whole beings that we deserve and are capable of being… to essentially, find ourselves. Yes, in my opinion, love helps us find ourselves.
Some would disagree with me… they say that you need to find yourself before you find love. That is beautiful indeed, but not always how it goes. You can find yourself before you find love, of course. But human beings are social creatures. We develop based on our relationships with others. Every relationship we have helps us on our personal journey towards growing into our best selves. Loving relationships and all that comes with them, help us to get to know ourselves well enough to fall in love with who we are. Just to be clear, I do think you need to believe and feel you are loveable or worthy of love before you find love. Make sense?
So, that leads me to my understanding of what it means to be in love with more than one person at the same time... I believe it’s possible. But the real question is why? Why does someone risk the relationship they already committed to in order to be with two people at the same time? We aren’t talking about people who are un-happy in their current relationship or situation and cheat and don’t have the guts to speak up and get help, right? We are talking about truly, madly, deeply loving two people at once and feeling confused and torn about it…
The thing about people who fall in love with multiple people at the same time are searching. They are looking for themselves… and on some level, hoping to find that inner self…within others. We all do it in some way. We look for ourselves in so many things-including food, clothes, cars, drugs, alcohol…and other people. Usually, the last place we look to find ourselves is within.
Falling in love with multiple people at once, stretching your heart out, and causing pain to your current partner… that is a deep need to tap into an inner part of oneself that has not yet been developed. People that love multiple people are also looking to be loved by multiple people. They want to prove over and over that they are lovable, that they are important, that they matter. They have so much in their inner world that they are unconsciously looking, seeking, yearning to expand and are willing to put other peoples hearts on the line…it feels that important for them.
Just a side note: sometimes, when a person who does not feel loveable or important on a deep inner level…being loved can feel like love, and hence confusion. Some fall in love with…being loved. Get it? Ok, moving on…
Do I believe in searching for yourself and deliberately making attempts towards wholeness? Yes. Do I think there are better ways than having a relationship outside the one you are committed to or being with someone who is already committed? Um, ya. Hell ya. But, hey, that’s just me. People who fall in love with multiple people at the same time are not bad people. They are searching.
But this isn’t about judging, this is about looking, being curious, wondering… why do people do the things they do? What are all the different destructive ways we attempt to feel loved, to feel heard, to feel seen, to feel fulfilled?
This question is full of possible opinions and commentary and and and… but those, honey, are my thoughts…
Love,
Brooke.
send in your questions to SOAPBOXTHERAPY@GMAIL.COM
What are your thoughts on polyamory? Not as an institution (as in the Mormon faith, where men have multiple wives) but as a legitimate feeling men and women who are partnered might have toward someone outside of their marriage/partnership. Is it possible to truly love multiple people with equal depth?
--Questioning Quinn.
Dear Quinn,
My thoughts, huh? OK darling, here are my thoughts…
First of all, a little thing about love. Love is a tool we unconsciously and justifiably use to allow undeveloped or underdeveloped parts of ourselves grow to their full capacity. Being in love and having someone in love with us helps us become the whole beings that we deserve and are capable of being… to essentially, find ourselves. Yes, in my opinion, love helps us find ourselves.
Some would disagree with me… they say that you need to find yourself before you find love. That is beautiful indeed, but not always how it goes. You can find yourself before you find love, of course. But human beings are social creatures. We develop based on our relationships with others. Every relationship we have helps us on our personal journey towards growing into our best selves. Loving relationships and all that comes with them, help us to get to know ourselves well enough to fall in love with who we are. Just to be clear, I do think you need to believe and feel you are loveable or worthy of love before you find love. Make sense?
So, that leads me to my understanding of what it means to be in love with more than one person at the same time... I believe it’s possible. But the real question is why? Why does someone risk the relationship they already committed to in order to be with two people at the same time? We aren’t talking about people who are un-happy in their current relationship or situation and cheat and don’t have the guts to speak up and get help, right? We are talking about truly, madly, deeply loving two people at once and feeling confused and torn about it…
The thing about people who fall in love with multiple people at the same time are searching. They are looking for themselves… and on some level, hoping to find that inner self…within others. We all do it in some way. We look for ourselves in so many things-including food, clothes, cars, drugs, alcohol…and other people. Usually, the last place we look to find ourselves is within.
Falling in love with multiple people at once, stretching your heart out, and causing pain to your current partner… that is a deep need to tap into an inner part of oneself that has not yet been developed. People that love multiple people are also looking to be loved by multiple people. They want to prove over and over that they are lovable, that they are important, that they matter. They have so much in their inner world that they are unconsciously looking, seeking, yearning to expand and are willing to put other peoples hearts on the line…it feels that important for them.
Just a side note: sometimes, when a person who does not feel loveable or important on a deep inner level…being loved can feel like love, and hence confusion. Some fall in love with…being loved. Get it? Ok, moving on…
Do I believe in searching for yourself and deliberately making attempts towards wholeness? Yes. Do I think there are better ways than having a relationship outside the one you are committed to or being with someone who is already committed? Um, ya. Hell ya. But, hey, that’s just me. People who fall in love with multiple people at the same time are not bad people. They are searching.
But this isn’t about judging, this is about looking, being curious, wondering… why do people do the things they do? What are all the different destructive ways we attempt to feel loved, to feel heard, to feel seen, to feel fulfilled?
This question is full of possible opinions and commentary and and and… but those, honey, are my thoughts…
Love,
Brooke.
send in your questions to SOAPBOXTHERAPY@GMAIL.COM
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
The thing about this past week...
The thing about this past week is that I’ve had a weird emotional week… that included writers block. Really. That’s the truth. Weird. Emotional. Writer’s block. I sat in front of my computer countless times and typed “the thing about…” in as many fonts as my computer allows. And nothin’. It scared me. I know this happens… but I’ve never been one to have a loss for words. I love writing. I love talking. I love this blog.
Why am I telling you this? There’s a good reason. Here’s the story…
During these past few days of blockage an amazing, beautiful, smart, delicious woman who I have been blessed to call my friend for 15 years was lovingly supporting me and asked “So, what is the mission statement of Soap Box Therapy?” The mission statement? Well, now that’s one question I don’t have an answer to. It got me thinking…’cause that’s what I do.
I thought about the expectations we put on ourselves and others. To be or look or say or do… everything right. I thought about how people don’t always think about where others might be coming from- that their past led them to act or say or be a certain way, and they deserve to be understood. I thought about my deep belief that we are all born good, no exceptions…I thought about really angry people and how hard it must be to live in their shoes. I thought about how curiosity is the sexiest quality in a partner. I thought about my philosophy on life… that we all need to be seen for who we really are, be heard for what we really say and be loved in a way that makes us feel like the universe is damn lucky to have us around.
That’s what I thought about.
Then I realized… the reason I started Soap Box Therapy is to have a space to give people the permission to be themselves, everything included. I decided that if this is what I want to preach, I better get on board and practice it. So, I’m coming clean. I’m being myself. I’m telling you I had writers block. I’m telling you that sometimes I want to write something that I’m proud of, but it just doesn’t happen, and then I judge myself for not being…whatever enough. And then it goes away...and then it comes back another time. And I continue to grow. Love it.
Is that my mission statement? I’m not sure, I’m still working on it. But, in the meantime…I invite you to join me. Be yourself. Come clean. Take off your mask. Allow whatever is there, to be there. Be curious about yourself, it’s sexy.
Love love love,
Brooke.
Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com!
Why am I telling you this? There’s a good reason. Here’s the story…
During these past few days of blockage an amazing, beautiful, smart, delicious woman who I have been blessed to call my friend for 15 years was lovingly supporting me and asked “So, what is the mission statement of Soap Box Therapy?” The mission statement? Well, now that’s one question I don’t have an answer to. It got me thinking…’cause that’s what I do.
I thought about the expectations we put on ourselves and others. To be or look or say or do… everything right. I thought about how people don’t always think about where others might be coming from- that their past led them to act or say or be a certain way, and they deserve to be understood. I thought about my deep belief that we are all born good, no exceptions…I thought about really angry people and how hard it must be to live in their shoes. I thought about how curiosity is the sexiest quality in a partner. I thought about my philosophy on life… that we all need to be seen for who we really are, be heard for what we really say and be loved in a way that makes us feel like the universe is damn lucky to have us around.
That’s what I thought about.
Then I realized… the reason I started Soap Box Therapy is to have a space to give people the permission to be themselves, everything included. I decided that if this is what I want to preach, I better get on board and practice it. So, I’m coming clean. I’m being myself. I’m telling you I had writers block. I’m telling you that sometimes I want to write something that I’m proud of, but it just doesn’t happen, and then I judge myself for not being…whatever enough. And then it goes away...and then it comes back another time. And I continue to grow. Love it.
Is that my mission statement? I’m not sure, I’m still working on it. But, in the meantime…I invite you to join me. Be yourself. Come clean. Take off your mask. Allow whatever is there, to be there. Be curious about yourself, it’s sexy.
Love love love,
Brooke.
Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
The thing about labels...
Dear Brooke,
I married the most incredible man in the world. He is everything I ever dreamed I would meet and has surpassed every expectation I have ever had of the man & relationship I would one day find.
Everything, that is, except for one tiny thing that seems to not be so tiny as our relationship grows. I am Jewish, and he is Catholic. I come from an Orthodox family and have a rabbi/cantor for a Grandfather. Neither my husband nor I are very religious but both come from families who are. My Husband has somehow won their hearts regardless of their hesitations regarding his religion and we managed to get married under a Chupah (Jewish wedding canopy) with blessings from nearly every member of our families.
We received those blessings only after my Husband-To-Be agreed to raise his unborn children Jewish. Now, as we seriously think about having children, I have an overwhelming sense of guilt. We were in an Orthodox Temple last weekend and as my husband left me to sit on the men's side wearing a kepah on his head, I could see how un-comfortable he was and it entirely broke my heart.
How can I prepare myself to raise my children Jewish without feeling as though I have stripped my Husband of teaching them his faith instead? Furthermore, how can I prepare myself to not break the promise I have made to myself and fail to raise them in a Jewish home in order to make my beloved Husband more comfortable in his own home?
Thanks,
Guilty Jew
Dear you gorgeous guilty love,
I’m just gonna jump right in…My first question is: What does it mean to raise your kids Jewish? What does it mean to you? I hear phrases like this all the time… “I want to raise my kids Jewish” or “My family wants us to raise our kids Jewish” So many people throw around words like this and decide things like how to raise their kids without really thinking about what it actually means. No wonder things can get so confusing...
The thing about labels is that they mean different things to different people. In order to responsibly use a label, we need to know what it means in our own hearts. Raising my kids “successful” for example, is going to mean something different to me as to you. Success is subjective, and so is Religion. Saying you want to raise your kids “Jewish” is more ambiguous than you know… In today’s modern-beautiful-diverse-spiritually-curious society religion has almost more definitions than love.
When you promise to raise your kids with a label that you yourself haven’t even defined yet as a family, as a couple, what does that promise really mean? So, I’m going to ask you to define it…for you.
Sit down with your sweet hubby and each have a piece of paper. On the top of yours, write: “Raising my kids Jewish means…” the paper will have a list that includes or doesn’t include things like, having a bar/bat mitzvah, having a briss, lighting candles on Friday night and having dinner as a family, going to Hebrew school, celebrating high holidays, referring to complaining as “kvetching” and heavy sweating as “schvitzing”… are you thinking orthodox, conservative, reform, kabbalistic/mystical, or Secular Yiddish word using Jew? Ahh, the possibilities. On the top of his write “Raising my kids Catholic means” and have him do the same exercise.
Then, sit down as a family. You and him…and talk about it. Why is that particular tradition or ceremony important to you? Is it to satisfy your grandfather and the ambiguous promise you made to your other relatives…or is it because it makes you cry with joy even thinking about including it in your life? What compromises are each of you willing to make? How can you hold and respect one another’s history…and how can you instill that respect into your children?
Share with your partner, and hear from him. Talk, discuss, and deliberately and responsibly build your foundation as Mr. and Mrs. Not-so-guilty-anymore Jew. If you are the artsy creative type, you can even make a final draft of the family traditions that you want to start with and post it in your home to remind both of you of this conversation and experience, and to have accountability within your partnership.
Just a little PS. If you have something like “go to services every Friday night”… don’t wait until your kids arrive. If it’s that important to you, start now (or continue), with your family of 2.
You can also do this exercise, and I recommend it, with non-religious traditions. This will give you and your man a great opportunity to build an even stronger foundation and family.
No matter how many promises you made to whoever you made them to…when it comes down to it, your kids are going to be a little bit of you, a little bit of the Mr. and a lot a bit of themselves. You can’t pretend that your Catholic husband, who you love through and through, and his family traditions just simply don’t exist-and you know that. You can inspire your kids and give them a foundation but eventually they are going to take the path that feels right in their own hearts.
Your struggle is so beautiful… it shows how much you love and respect your husband as well as yourself. Seeing that will be more valuable to your children than anything else…I promise.
Love,
Brooke.
Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com Your identity will be private!!!
I married the most incredible man in the world. He is everything I ever dreamed I would meet and has surpassed every expectation I have ever had of the man & relationship I would one day find.
Everything, that is, except for one tiny thing that seems to not be so tiny as our relationship grows. I am Jewish, and he is Catholic. I come from an Orthodox family and have a rabbi/cantor for a Grandfather. Neither my husband nor I are very religious but both come from families who are. My Husband has somehow won their hearts regardless of their hesitations regarding his religion and we managed to get married under a Chupah (Jewish wedding canopy) with blessings from nearly every member of our families.
We received those blessings only after my Husband-To-Be agreed to raise his unborn children Jewish. Now, as we seriously think about having children, I have an overwhelming sense of guilt. We were in an Orthodox Temple last weekend and as my husband left me to sit on the men's side wearing a kepah on his head, I could see how un-comfortable he was and it entirely broke my heart.
How can I prepare myself to raise my children Jewish without feeling as though I have stripped my Husband of teaching them his faith instead? Furthermore, how can I prepare myself to not break the promise I have made to myself and fail to raise them in a Jewish home in order to make my beloved Husband more comfortable in his own home?
Thanks,
Guilty Jew
Dear you gorgeous guilty love,
I’m just gonna jump right in…My first question is: What does it mean to raise your kids Jewish? What does it mean to you? I hear phrases like this all the time… “I want to raise my kids Jewish” or “My family wants us to raise our kids Jewish” So many people throw around words like this and decide things like how to raise their kids without really thinking about what it actually means. No wonder things can get so confusing...
The thing about labels is that they mean different things to different people. In order to responsibly use a label, we need to know what it means in our own hearts. Raising my kids “successful” for example, is going to mean something different to me as to you. Success is subjective, and so is Religion. Saying you want to raise your kids “Jewish” is more ambiguous than you know… In today’s modern-beautiful-diverse-spiritually-curious society religion has almost more definitions than love.
When you promise to raise your kids with a label that you yourself haven’t even defined yet as a family, as a couple, what does that promise really mean? So, I’m going to ask you to define it…for you.
Sit down with your sweet hubby and each have a piece of paper. On the top of yours, write: “Raising my kids Jewish means…” the paper will have a list that includes or doesn’t include things like, having a bar/bat mitzvah, having a briss, lighting candles on Friday night and having dinner as a family, going to Hebrew school, celebrating high holidays, referring to complaining as “kvetching” and heavy sweating as “schvitzing”… are you thinking orthodox, conservative, reform, kabbalistic/mystical, or Secular Yiddish word using Jew? Ahh, the possibilities. On the top of his write “Raising my kids Catholic means” and have him do the same exercise.
Then, sit down as a family. You and him…and talk about it. Why is that particular tradition or ceremony important to you? Is it to satisfy your grandfather and the ambiguous promise you made to your other relatives…or is it because it makes you cry with joy even thinking about including it in your life? What compromises are each of you willing to make? How can you hold and respect one another’s history…and how can you instill that respect into your children?
Share with your partner, and hear from him. Talk, discuss, and deliberately and responsibly build your foundation as Mr. and Mrs. Not-so-guilty-anymore Jew. If you are the artsy creative type, you can even make a final draft of the family traditions that you want to start with and post it in your home to remind both of you of this conversation and experience, and to have accountability within your partnership.
Just a little PS. If you have something like “go to services every Friday night”… don’t wait until your kids arrive. If it’s that important to you, start now (or continue), with your family of 2.
You can also do this exercise, and I recommend it, with non-religious traditions. This will give you and your man a great opportunity to build an even stronger foundation and family.
No matter how many promises you made to whoever you made them to…when it comes down to it, your kids are going to be a little bit of you, a little bit of the Mr. and a lot a bit of themselves. You can’t pretend that your Catholic husband, who you love through and through, and his family traditions just simply don’t exist-and you know that. You can inspire your kids and give them a foundation but eventually they are going to take the path that feels right in their own hearts.
Your struggle is so beautiful… it shows how much you love and respect your husband as well as yourself. Seeing that will be more valuable to your children than anything else…I promise.
Love,
Brooke.
Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com Your identity will be private!!!
Monday, July 27, 2009
The thing about the past...
Dear Brooke,
I have been dating my boyfriend for just over two years. We are happy and in love. Although our relationship has always been good, it has been a long road to this point. When I first met him he was freshly (less than 2 months) out of a 7 year relationship. In the end of the relationship, his girlfriend had given him an ultimatum of marriage or an end to the relationship. He decided to propose and she accepted. A short time later, she changed her mind, for reasons unknown to me, and left him. Needless to say, it took him a long time to be able to offer himself fully to me. A year of patience, care and devotion eventually allowed him to feel comfortable and we have been very happy ever since.
A few days ago I was looking through his office searching for a paper clip. I looked into the drawer of his desk and saw a jewelry box nudged in the very back. Of course, I couldn't help myself and I opened it expecting to find a pair of cuff links. I barely opened it, saw a diamond ring and quickly snapped it shut. My immediate response was that it must have been the ring from his previous proposal but it was still shocking and thrilling. I spent the next three days working through my head what it could be. I had never seen the box before but I'm not sure I've dug that deep into his desk before. You could probably call me a snoop so if I had seen the box before, there is no doubt that I would have opened it.
We rarely speak of marriage and it is always in a future tense since we are still working on the idea of living together at some point. Neither of us is totally sold on marriage in general but I feel like he might be affected because most of his friends are about to get married or are already married with children. He is nearing 40 and has been talking a lot about getting his life on track. I can't understand why he would keep the ring from his past engagement I’m having trouble figuring out what to think but I have a very strong feeling that the ring is not intended for me.
I really just want to know where this ring came from. Is it possible that it was from his past engagement, and if so, what does that mean? Is he still holding on? Is it a reminder of what he doesn't want? If it's not from his past engagement, then is it for me? Did he buy it impulsively one day or has he been planning it out?
Should I tell him that I saw it or should I keep this secret to myself? If we ever do get engaged I want it to be a surprise and I want it to be for the best reasons. I don't know how I'll react either way, if it is for me (gasp!) or if it is from the past (weird).
I've been trying to put the image out of my mind since I saw it. I wish it had never happened. I can't talk to any of my friends about it because I know that they'll have biased opinions and then they'll be expecting something that might never happen. I want to feel neutral about the whole thing because I love this man so much, I don't want to be effected by something I saw accidentally. Please help!
Sincerely
confused & feeling secretive
Dear Confused and Feeling Secretive,
So I wish I could know who that ring did or did not belong to or it may or may not be gifted to. But, you and I both know that I’m wishing into the wind. You said “I have a very strong feeling that the ring is not intended for me” so I’m going to respond based on your gut feeling. Let this be a first Soap Box Therapy lesson of many to come that our gut is more often that not, worth listening to…
First of all my love, know that feeling totally out of sorts is so perfect. If you were feeling “neutral” then I really would be worried about you. So, embrace that crazy feeling in your stomach and let’s talk... No matter how you found the ring, or if you were looking for it or not, what you are really asking me is… does he love me or her? Am I the one or is his past winning out? Right?
So there are so many possible reasons your boyfriend’s past relationship ended, right? No matter what the reason is, my suspicion is that regardless of the fact that he is totally in love with you, he is still holding on to the hurt and has not fully moved on from that difficult situation in his life. I mean, lets break it down… he was manipulated into a proposal that he didn’t necessarily want by an ultimatum, and then he got burned and dumped. Um, hello! He probably felt lower and angrier than ever after that experience. Can we say trust issues? It’s so noble that you stuck with him and let him take the time he needed to feel safe in a new relationship. You are a gem.
The thing about pasts is that everyone has one. Everyone. And no matter how hard we wish… they don’t suddenly vanish once we come along and sweep our partners off their feet. As much as we want to deny that our partners might still be affected by their past once they fall madly and deeply in love with us… it’s just not the case. Our past is always present…
Now that we have established that we are listening to your gut and your boyfriend has a past…let’s talk about communication. The communication in your relationship around the subject of “the past” I suspect so far has been on his terms. Meaning he is pretty touchy about what went on and you’ve been the loving patient girlfriend and haven’t probed where you may not be welcomed with open arms. You’ve been kind and sweet, waiting for him to be ready to share himself. The issue is, when we don’t talk about things, it usually means we are still holding on.
I’m not saying that everyone needs to share everything about their past with their partner…I believe we all have the right to our own stories… but in this case I think it’s time to communicate and ask some questions.
Thank goodness all of that crap happened in his life because now you get him, it’s perfect! But you, you patient sweet loving woman, don't deserve for all his past stuff to find itself a nice little suppressed home in your relationship... Begin to talk to your partner. Don’t blame, don’t point fingers… just ask. Ask about his past. Tell him you are ready to know. Ask things like, “How did you feel when” and “How was that for you?” Tackle the underlying issues which are commitment, fear, untold stories, and communication in general. Make sure those issues are on the forefront of the conversation. It’s not the actual ring you want to talk about, but what it represents.
If it is a ring from his past the reason to keep it is because, to get rid of it officially means that the hurt is real, that it actually happened- that messed up horrible unfair situation actually happened. No more denial, no more suppressing the feelings. I would be utterly shocked if he sits there and gazes longingly at the ring everyday.... he doesn't love that girl anymore, he loves you. But that doesn't mean he is over it and not pissed or embarrassed or even a little shameful about what went down. That ring represents the ultimatum and all the crappy feelings and decisions that came along with it.
Forgive him for being human, for having a past and holding onto it. Thank his past for making him a stronger more careful and deliberate person. Remind him how amazing you are by creating the space for him to share and communicate and release the stories and the feelings he has been holding onto with an iron grip for years. No matter who that ring does, did, or will belong to... its time to start talking with your man.
Love,
Brooke
Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com Your identity will be private!!!
I have been dating my boyfriend for just over two years. We are happy and in love. Although our relationship has always been good, it has been a long road to this point. When I first met him he was freshly (less than 2 months) out of a 7 year relationship. In the end of the relationship, his girlfriend had given him an ultimatum of marriage or an end to the relationship. He decided to propose and she accepted. A short time later, she changed her mind, for reasons unknown to me, and left him. Needless to say, it took him a long time to be able to offer himself fully to me. A year of patience, care and devotion eventually allowed him to feel comfortable and we have been very happy ever since.
A few days ago I was looking through his office searching for a paper clip. I looked into the drawer of his desk and saw a jewelry box nudged in the very back. Of course, I couldn't help myself and I opened it expecting to find a pair of cuff links. I barely opened it, saw a diamond ring and quickly snapped it shut. My immediate response was that it must have been the ring from his previous proposal but it was still shocking and thrilling. I spent the next three days working through my head what it could be. I had never seen the box before but I'm not sure I've dug that deep into his desk before. You could probably call me a snoop so if I had seen the box before, there is no doubt that I would have opened it.
We rarely speak of marriage and it is always in a future tense since we are still working on the idea of living together at some point. Neither of us is totally sold on marriage in general but I feel like he might be affected because most of his friends are about to get married or are already married with children. He is nearing 40 and has been talking a lot about getting his life on track. I can't understand why he would keep the ring from his past engagement I’m having trouble figuring out what to think but I have a very strong feeling that the ring is not intended for me.
I really just want to know where this ring came from. Is it possible that it was from his past engagement, and if so, what does that mean? Is he still holding on? Is it a reminder of what he doesn't want? If it's not from his past engagement, then is it for me? Did he buy it impulsively one day or has he been planning it out?
Should I tell him that I saw it or should I keep this secret to myself? If we ever do get engaged I want it to be a surprise and I want it to be for the best reasons. I don't know how I'll react either way, if it is for me (gasp!) or if it is from the past (weird).
I've been trying to put the image out of my mind since I saw it. I wish it had never happened. I can't talk to any of my friends about it because I know that they'll have biased opinions and then they'll be expecting something that might never happen. I want to feel neutral about the whole thing because I love this man so much, I don't want to be effected by something I saw accidentally. Please help!
Sincerely
confused & feeling secretive
Dear Confused and Feeling Secretive,
So I wish I could know who that ring did or did not belong to or it may or may not be gifted to. But, you and I both know that I’m wishing into the wind. You said “I have a very strong feeling that the ring is not intended for me” so I’m going to respond based on your gut feeling. Let this be a first Soap Box Therapy lesson of many to come that our gut is more often that not, worth listening to…
First of all my love, know that feeling totally out of sorts is so perfect. If you were feeling “neutral” then I really would be worried about you. So, embrace that crazy feeling in your stomach and let’s talk... No matter how you found the ring, or if you were looking for it or not, what you are really asking me is… does he love me or her? Am I the one or is his past winning out? Right?
So there are so many possible reasons your boyfriend’s past relationship ended, right? No matter what the reason is, my suspicion is that regardless of the fact that he is totally in love with you, he is still holding on to the hurt and has not fully moved on from that difficult situation in his life. I mean, lets break it down… he was manipulated into a proposal that he didn’t necessarily want by an ultimatum, and then he got burned and dumped. Um, hello! He probably felt lower and angrier than ever after that experience. Can we say trust issues? It’s so noble that you stuck with him and let him take the time he needed to feel safe in a new relationship. You are a gem.
The thing about pasts is that everyone has one. Everyone. And no matter how hard we wish… they don’t suddenly vanish once we come along and sweep our partners off their feet. As much as we want to deny that our partners might still be affected by their past once they fall madly and deeply in love with us… it’s just not the case. Our past is always present…
Now that we have established that we are listening to your gut and your boyfriend has a past…let’s talk about communication. The communication in your relationship around the subject of “the past” I suspect so far has been on his terms. Meaning he is pretty touchy about what went on and you’ve been the loving patient girlfriend and haven’t probed where you may not be welcomed with open arms. You’ve been kind and sweet, waiting for him to be ready to share himself. The issue is, when we don’t talk about things, it usually means we are still holding on.
I’m not saying that everyone needs to share everything about their past with their partner…I believe we all have the right to our own stories… but in this case I think it’s time to communicate and ask some questions.
Thank goodness all of that crap happened in his life because now you get him, it’s perfect! But you, you patient sweet loving woman, don't deserve for all his past stuff to find itself a nice little suppressed home in your relationship... Begin to talk to your partner. Don’t blame, don’t point fingers… just ask. Ask about his past. Tell him you are ready to know. Ask things like, “How did you feel when” and “How was that for you?” Tackle the underlying issues which are commitment, fear, untold stories, and communication in general. Make sure those issues are on the forefront of the conversation. It’s not the actual ring you want to talk about, but what it represents.
If it is a ring from his past the reason to keep it is because, to get rid of it officially means that the hurt is real, that it actually happened- that messed up horrible unfair situation actually happened. No more denial, no more suppressing the feelings. I would be utterly shocked if he sits there and gazes longingly at the ring everyday.... he doesn't love that girl anymore, he loves you. But that doesn't mean he is over it and not pissed or embarrassed or even a little shameful about what went down. That ring represents the ultimatum and all the crappy feelings and decisions that came along with it.
Forgive him for being human, for having a past and holding onto it. Thank his past for making him a stronger more careful and deliberate person. Remind him how amazing you are by creating the space for him to share and communicate and release the stories and the feelings he has been holding onto with an iron grip for years. No matter who that ring does, did, or will belong to... its time to start talking with your man.
Love,
Brooke
Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com Your identity will be private!!!
Friday, July 24, 2009
The thing about siblings...
Dear Brooke,
I am having a dilemma about how to handle a situation with my mother. I am 27 years old and realized when I went away to college that my mother's neediness had been an impediment to me during my childhood. I've worked out a lot of my issues with her and my father since then, but am currently stuck.
My brother is 19 and is living with my mom (my parents are recently separated). He doesn't go to college (dropped out of community college after a few months) and doesn't have a job. He is a great kid, but is very discouraged. He doesn't know what he wants to do and doesn't like to get suggestions. He was labeled as ADD very young and I believe my parents low expectations of him have led him to have this attitude.
Many people have told my mother (me included) that she needs to stop giving him money (which he uses to go out with friends and buy pot) but she has always been better at being a "friend" than a mother. I think she is scared that he will get really depressed and mad at her or she is just scared to assert herself as mother. Recently she said she was ready to put her foot down and tell him if he doesn't get a job she won't give him money. But she hasn't done it yet.
I was wondering how I can help in this situation? Should I tell her I won't speak to her until she does it? In the past I told her not to talk to me about my brother--that I don't want her talking to me about her problems in general--but I really care about him and nothing I do to try and help works. It should also be noted that my dad gives him money but has basically no relationship with him at all--not sure how he could make a difference but figured it was useful to note (especially since one of my mom's 'excuses' is that she has to handle the situation herself).
Any advice is much appreciated.
Regards,
Sad Sister
Hi Sweet Darling,
First of all, I want to note it’s interesting that you started by asking me what to do about a situation with your mom, but signed the letter "sad sister"…You are in so many places at once, trying to fix so many relationships at the same time…
Ok, I’m just going to launch right into it… I think there is a part of you, deep down and totally unconsciously, that is having a hard time separating your relationship with your mom from your brothers’ relationship with your mom. I imagine that it’s hard for you to watch the unhealthiness between your mom and brother right before your eyes, similar to what you worked so hard to move past. Your moms “neediness”-her need to be a good mom, a good friend- is really hard for you to witness. You experienced it first hand and healed from it on so many levels. It makes sense that you would want your brother to move forward and experience that same healing. But my love, here’s the truth…you are not your brother, your brother is not you. Here’s why this is important to really understand…
Your journey went a little something like this… Your mother treated you like a friend and needed you to be a certain kind of person for her to feel like a good mom. You went away to college and finally got far enough out of the house to realize how much your mother’s stuff had been “impeding” on you. You did a ton of work on yourself and grew immensely. Now, you are a 27 year old strong amazing person…
Your little bro is on a different journey. He was home after you went away to college. He was there with your parents as they entered a place in their marriage where it became clear things weren’t going to work out. He was witness to that first hand, he literally lived it. That’s huge. There are so many maybes with him… maybe he wants to stay home because he just needs to right now. Maybe he is way sadder than you could ever imagine. Maybe he has been through stuff in life that you don’t realize. Maybe leaving for college is not the best thing for him right now… maybe it is. Maybe Maybe Maybe…
You don’t know for sure what your brothers going through because he is his own person. One thing I can promise you for sure is that he isn’t going through what you went through. The thing about siblings is that in many cases we grew up in the same home, with the same family, going to the same school, etc. but the trick is… we’re not the same. Relationships between siblings are the strongest when they allow each other to be who they are, and travel this life in the way they need to individually…and love each other despite their different paths.
Your brother has his own path…his own process. The most amazing beautiful thing you can do for him is to support and love him as he takes the steps that are right for him while not hoping or asking him to change. Have trust that he will get to where he needs to be when he needs to be there.
There are so many things happening in your family right now to be mindful of. Not only your brother, but take a moment to think about your mom and what she might be going through. Maybe she wants your brother to stay because her marriage just ended and she feels scared. Maybe she doesn’t want to be an empty nester. Maybe she can’t handle so much at once. Maybe she is way sadder than you can ever imagine. Maybe she has been for a long time. Maybe she is doing the best she can with what she has…Maybe Maybe Maybe.
My advice: Nurture the relationships that you have and that you are a part of. Call your brother. Ask him how he is. Listen. Tell him you love him. Call your mom. Ask her how she is. Listen. Tell her you love her. Cherish those relationships deeply, be deliberate about the energy and love you put into them. Be cognizant that people need different things at different times and just because they are family, it doesn’t mean we know what they’re going through. I know, you hate hearing that. You are doing so amazing and your heart could not be in a righter place.
PS…here is the most important part… your self care through all of this. Choose not to feel guilty for growing. Choose not to feel bad for moving forward. Here’s the deal... When we grow in our lives in some positive way a few things happen. 1, we think that everyone should go down the same path towards that growth because we want them to experience the same goodness we have and 2. if they don’t, we feel so guilty that we are happy and free which makes us want #1 even more. Get it? Choose not to let that happen. Let your mom go through the loss of her marriage and the possible loss of her son as he begins to grow. And let your brother be a separate fabulous guy and go on a separate fabulous journey. Be there to witness it. Tell him you love him. Yes, again. Do what you need to do for you and trust trust trust that on some level, your brother and mom are doing the same…
Ok, everyone take a big deep loving juicy breath. Virtual hugs from me to you gorgeous… like, a ton of them.
Love,
Brooke.
Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com Your identity will be private!!!
I am having a dilemma about how to handle a situation with my mother. I am 27 years old and realized when I went away to college that my mother's neediness had been an impediment to me during my childhood. I've worked out a lot of my issues with her and my father since then, but am currently stuck.
My brother is 19 and is living with my mom (my parents are recently separated). He doesn't go to college (dropped out of community college after a few months) and doesn't have a job. He is a great kid, but is very discouraged. He doesn't know what he wants to do and doesn't like to get suggestions. He was labeled as ADD very young and I believe my parents low expectations of him have led him to have this attitude.
Many people have told my mother (me included) that she needs to stop giving him money (which he uses to go out with friends and buy pot) but she has always been better at being a "friend" than a mother. I think she is scared that he will get really depressed and mad at her or she is just scared to assert herself as mother. Recently she said she was ready to put her foot down and tell him if he doesn't get a job she won't give him money. But she hasn't done it yet.
I was wondering how I can help in this situation? Should I tell her I won't speak to her until she does it? In the past I told her not to talk to me about my brother--that I don't want her talking to me about her problems in general--but I really care about him and nothing I do to try and help works. It should also be noted that my dad gives him money but has basically no relationship with him at all--not sure how he could make a difference but figured it was useful to note (especially since one of my mom's 'excuses' is that she has to handle the situation herself).
Any advice is much appreciated.
Regards,
Sad Sister
Hi Sweet Darling,
First of all, I want to note it’s interesting that you started by asking me what to do about a situation with your mom, but signed the letter "sad sister"…You are in so many places at once, trying to fix so many relationships at the same time…
Ok, I’m just going to launch right into it… I think there is a part of you, deep down and totally unconsciously, that is having a hard time separating your relationship with your mom from your brothers’ relationship with your mom. I imagine that it’s hard for you to watch the unhealthiness between your mom and brother right before your eyes, similar to what you worked so hard to move past. Your moms “neediness”-her need to be a good mom, a good friend- is really hard for you to witness. You experienced it first hand and healed from it on so many levels. It makes sense that you would want your brother to move forward and experience that same healing. But my love, here’s the truth…you are not your brother, your brother is not you. Here’s why this is important to really understand…
Your journey went a little something like this… Your mother treated you like a friend and needed you to be a certain kind of person for her to feel like a good mom. You went away to college and finally got far enough out of the house to realize how much your mother’s stuff had been “impeding” on you. You did a ton of work on yourself and grew immensely. Now, you are a 27 year old strong amazing person…
Your little bro is on a different journey. He was home after you went away to college. He was there with your parents as they entered a place in their marriage where it became clear things weren’t going to work out. He was witness to that first hand, he literally lived it. That’s huge. There are so many maybes with him… maybe he wants to stay home because he just needs to right now. Maybe he is way sadder than you could ever imagine. Maybe he has been through stuff in life that you don’t realize. Maybe leaving for college is not the best thing for him right now… maybe it is. Maybe Maybe Maybe…
You don’t know for sure what your brothers going through because he is his own person. One thing I can promise you for sure is that he isn’t going through what you went through. The thing about siblings is that in many cases we grew up in the same home, with the same family, going to the same school, etc. but the trick is… we’re not the same. Relationships between siblings are the strongest when they allow each other to be who they are, and travel this life in the way they need to individually…and love each other despite their different paths.
Your brother has his own path…his own process. The most amazing beautiful thing you can do for him is to support and love him as he takes the steps that are right for him while not hoping or asking him to change. Have trust that he will get to where he needs to be when he needs to be there.
There are so many things happening in your family right now to be mindful of. Not only your brother, but take a moment to think about your mom and what she might be going through. Maybe she wants your brother to stay because her marriage just ended and she feels scared. Maybe she doesn’t want to be an empty nester. Maybe she can’t handle so much at once. Maybe she is way sadder than you can ever imagine. Maybe she has been for a long time. Maybe she is doing the best she can with what she has…Maybe Maybe Maybe.
My advice: Nurture the relationships that you have and that you are a part of. Call your brother. Ask him how he is. Listen. Tell him you love him. Call your mom. Ask her how she is. Listen. Tell her you love her. Cherish those relationships deeply, be deliberate about the energy and love you put into them. Be cognizant that people need different things at different times and just because they are family, it doesn’t mean we know what they’re going through. I know, you hate hearing that. You are doing so amazing and your heart could not be in a righter place.
PS…here is the most important part… your self care through all of this. Choose not to feel guilty for growing. Choose not to feel bad for moving forward. Here’s the deal... When we grow in our lives in some positive way a few things happen. 1, we think that everyone should go down the same path towards that growth because we want them to experience the same goodness we have and 2. if they don’t, we feel so guilty that we are happy and free which makes us want #1 even more. Get it? Choose not to let that happen. Let your mom go through the loss of her marriage and the possible loss of her son as he begins to grow. And let your brother be a separate fabulous guy and go on a separate fabulous journey. Be there to witness it. Tell him you love him. Yes, again. Do what you need to do for you and trust trust trust that on some level, your brother and mom are doing the same…
Ok, everyone take a big deep loving juicy breath. Virtual hugs from me to you gorgeous… like, a ton of them.
Love,
Brooke.
Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com Your identity will be private!!!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The thing about food...
So our bodies, these amazing gorgeous vessels, hold everything. Everything. All our stuff. Really. Like, all of it. When we are sad and don't tell anyone, that sadness gets stored in our bodies. When we are angry and don't communicate, that anger gets stored in our bodies. When we have scary and uncomfortable experiences... you guessed it, that fear hangs out in our bodies.
We end up with all of these emotions in our bodies that are filling us to the rim and are truly overwhelming to even think about. Like the closet you keep promising to clean out, but it's just way too huge a task to even start, so you don't, and then it just keeps getting more and more out of control and you become less and less likely to tackle it. Ya, this is like that.
Instead of taking on the massive and sometimes painful task of cleaning out our bodies, sharing our feelings and being…wait for it... vulnerable, SO many amazing beings just push it all away and cover it all up. It’s a good trick actually, it’s called denial.
For an unbelievable number of people, the cover-up of choice is food. The thing about food for so many amazing people is that it’s the perfect solid, dense, thick nothing-is-getting-past-this-sucker cover up. First, we push all the emotions and experiences that we aren't ready to release, we don’t want to talk about, and we don’t want to admit down into the depths of our bodies. Then we throw a bunch of food that we likely aren’t physically hungry for on top of them. Then, we win. ‘Cause the only feeling we have accessible is fullness. "I feel full.” No need to deal with any of the other feelings because fullness is here to save the day! Ya, you bet you're full-of everything other than food in the first place. Congratulations. Denial and suppression of your amazing perfect human feeling self…accomplished.
Oh, an important point... this doesn't just relate to those of you out there who have sadness, hurt, and anger. It's also for those of you who have unachieved potential, unmet self confidence, unaccomplished goals, etc. When we suppress anything, whether it’s a horrible trauma, a crappy break up, or an amazing part of ourselves that we haven't yet introduced to the world....we get full. And for human beings, it’s way easier to be full of food, than of feelings.
Here is the big announcement my loves… the food doesn’t make the feelings go away, it just tricks you into thinking they have. I’m not saying never again down a pint of double chocolate chunk after a royally crappy day… I’m just asking you to think about it.
Love love love,
Brooke.
Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com Your identity will be private!!!
We end up with all of these emotions in our bodies that are filling us to the rim and are truly overwhelming to even think about. Like the closet you keep promising to clean out, but it's just way too huge a task to even start, so you don't, and then it just keeps getting more and more out of control and you become less and less likely to tackle it. Ya, this is like that.
Instead of taking on the massive and sometimes painful task of cleaning out our bodies, sharing our feelings and being…wait for it... vulnerable, SO many amazing beings just push it all away and cover it all up. It’s a good trick actually, it’s called denial.
For an unbelievable number of people, the cover-up of choice is food. The thing about food for so many amazing people is that it’s the perfect solid, dense, thick nothing-is-getting-past-this-sucker cover up. First, we push all the emotions and experiences that we aren't ready to release, we don’t want to talk about, and we don’t want to admit down into the depths of our bodies. Then we throw a bunch of food that we likely aren’t physically hungry for on top of them. Then, we win. ‘Cause the only feeling we have accessible is fullness. "I feel full.” No need to deal with any of the other feelings because fullness is here to save the day! Ya, you bet you're full-of everything other than food in the first place. Congratulations. Denial and suppression of your amazing perfect human feeling self…accomplished.
Oh, an important point... this doesn't just relate to those of you out there who have sadness, hurt, and anger. It's also for those of you who have unachieved potential, unmet self confidence, unaccomplished goals, etc. When we suppress anything, whether it’s a horrible trauma, a crappy break up, or an amazing part of ourselves that we haven't yet introduced to the world....we get full. And for human beings, it’s way easier to be full of food, than of feelings.
Here is the big announcement my loves… the food doesn’t make the feelings go away, it just tricks you into thinking they have. I’m not saying never again down a pint of double chocolate chunk after a royally crappy day… I’m just asking you to think about it.
Love love love,
Brooke.
Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com Your identity will be private!!!
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