Thursday, October 8, 2009
The thing about red flags...
Dear Brooke,
I am feeling conflicted about several aspects of my relationship. I met my boyfriend a year and a half ago. Neither of us has had prior marriages and neither have children. He is 39 and I am 32. When we first met, he informed me that he "wasn’t sure about getting married and was probably too old for children". I made it pretty clear to him that there wouldn't be a second or third date because I do want to find my life partner and have children. He backed off and said that if he connected with the right person, it could be an option. Hello red flag...if it aint a burning desire and a priority in your life than we're not meant to be....I chose to ignore this red flag, and guess what - I'm exactly where one would think I would be - in limbo.
So a year and a half later we're in love, my parents think he's great, I adore his family, we share the same views with regard to religion, politics, finances and enjoy the same activities....problem is....I have a nagging suspicion that his "time clock" doesn't even closely resemble mine...my bigger fear is that I'm with someone who 2-3 years down the road is going to not feel ready to move forward and I’m nervous about waiting until I’m 40 to start having kids.
It’s like he's caught wanting to be a bachelor yet wants to be with me. Another issue compounding my anxiety is that we talk pretty frequently about the future, being married, having kids, where our parents will live when they are too old to live on their own....so I’m hopeful, yet wracked with doubt because his time line seems a little out of whack given our respective ages, not to mention when we do talk about getting married he brings up divorce and me "taking his house and pension".
Of course everyone LOVES to weigh in on this topic. My sister says to just get knocked up, my best friend insists that this is going to end in heartache and to break up with him sooner than later, his mother says wait it out, others say give him an ultimatum. On a side note his father married late in life and didn’t start having kids until he was 40. I’ve tried several different means of communication with varying results....none of which have led to concrete answers. I am clearly not communicating effectively and I need some guidance from you.
Am I wasting my time?
Love in limbo
Dear Limbo love,
There’s so much going on, and I want to support you in figuring out your present situation, But in order to do that, you gotta travel back. Travel back to the day when the red flag was unfolded and strung up to the flagpole for everyone and their mother to see. The day that you, you gorgeous, smart, capable woman… ignored it and ran from it like the frikin’ plague…and agreed to a second date.
As human beings, we never… I mean never… do things that don’t serve us in some way. I know, sounds confusing and a little crazy, but it’s true. We’re always acting on or acting out our issues-- it’s the human condition. We’re incredibly intelligent emotional beings when it comes down to it. We know exactly what to do to get our needs met, even if it means suffering. When kids throw tantrums they’re really saying “see me, hear me, hello I need to be noticed!!” They get their need met. No matter how ugly it looks. So avoiding a red flag, when you seem to know exactly what you want, is a little tantrum of your inner world my love. It happened for a reason…it’s serving you...you’re getting your needs met. Sounds like you have a little addiction to not getting what you want. Un-furrow your brow doll face, I’ll explain…
How is being with someone who may have fundamentally different ideas of what life should look like than you do… serving you? How does not clearly asking for or communicating what you really want…help you? Well, let’s brainstorm some possibilities…
Maybe it’s scary to ask for what you really want because maybe you’ll get it, and maybe you won’t. Maybe you’re scared to actually get what you really want, because it will be so new, you won’t even know what to do with yourself. Maybe you judge yourself for wanting certain things in the first place and that little inner dis-empowering voice yells “hey limbo girl, you are ridiculous and you ask for too much!” Ya, that voice sucks. Maybe you have fear that when and if you actually get what you want, it won’t really be that good anyway and you’ll be disappointed.
Maybe you're addicted to not getting what you want and what you need, so you (unconsciously) seek out relationships that you know you won't get what you need....because you don't know any other way. Think back to some of your other relationships…Hm. Maybe? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. So many possibilities. The point is…you’re getting something out of this.
The thing about red flags is that we think they say “danger, do not proceed” but when we avoid them and get into sticky relationship situations, those red flags turn into big juicy green flags…leading us into our deepest core issues. Ugh, I know… fun times. Therapists love red flags…it’s like a secret trap door to your inner gold.
As soon as that red flag flew and you agreed to a second date, your inner world knew exactly what it was doing honey. This isn’t about wanting marriage and kids, or an inner clock, or any of those details… I sense that this is about your discomfort around really getting what you want, and your fear of disappointment. Reason I think that… Because it seems like by being with this man, you don’t have to risk your deepest dreams ever being a disappointment, ‘cause they aren’t part of the plan. And no one wants disappointment. It’s one of the worst feelings ever. Ever. So we do whatever we can to avoid it. I don’t know your inner workings love, but it seems to me that asking for what you really want and risking disappointment is scarier for you, than settling for what comes close.
So, now that you are curled in a ball either red with anger or with mascara running down your gorgeous face, let me just say this… That red flag that you are judging yourself for ignoring is turning out to be one of the most amazing opportunities of your life. You get to grow infinitely.
Let’s be clear… I’m not telling you to break up with your boyfriend. I’m saying, begin to ask yourself how being in this relationship is serving you? How is it enabling you to stay in your comfort zone? How is it helping you to not have to take risks you haven’t felt ready to take. Explore your relationship with disappointment. Explore your relationship with joy. And when you’re ready to embrace both of those things, begin to ask…clearly and strongly ask… for what you really want.
Love love loveeeee,
Brooke.
send your questions to Brooke at soapboxtherapy@gmail.com! Your identity will always be kept private.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The thing about reality...
We have this funny on-again off-again relationship with reality. Ya, reality. Reality is lovable and acceptable and attractive when things are happening in a way that pleases us, makes us happy, makes us feel like things are going our way. But when reality isn’t behaving how we wish it would, we fight it, and we fight it until we convince ourselves that we’ve won. But we know better…
The thing about reality is that it always wins. No matter what. Ya, I know, I’m sorry darling. We can’t fight it, though we sure do put forth a ton of effort trying. Think about how much time and energy you’ve put into trying to make a situation that’s happening, not happen-or vice versa. Think about how much emotion you’ve spent on a phone that isn’t ringing… that just isn’t, or a person that isn’t treating you right…they just aren’t, or a credit card bill that just isn’t disappearing…it’s just not. Reality is a bitch sometimes, it’s the truth. But it’s not going anywhere. So, now what?
Now we talk about what happens when we fight reality and how it’s messing us up… and then we come clean so we can move forward, sans the baggage my loves, sans the baggage.
How we fight reality…we go into denial, and we attempt to negotiate a deal that will land us in a better situation. That’s what we do. And props to denial because sometimes it truly does help to keep us safe…safe and sound from facing things that tend to be pretty ugly. Do you really want to face the fact that that person isn’t that into you or that the job you have isn’t your true passion and you’ve known it from the start or that the way you’ve been using and abusing money is sending you into a crappy place but you just keep on going… um, no. No one wants to face that stuff…so denial is there to save the day! Yay! Except…
Except denial is a short term solution. Denial is a trick…it tells us that we’ll feel better, and free, and we won’t have to look at such icky things…good times. But once you inch into denial far enough, you’re further and further from the truth, the authentic reality, so the journey back is that much longer. So, it’s messing us up. Because like I said, reality always wins, and at some point gorgeous, the journey back from the land of denial into reality is going to take place. I know, not what you wanted to hear. But it’s, well, the reality of it.
So, as you sit in front of your computer screen reading these words and you start to wonder, “what am I in denial about?” Then keep going, keep asking, get curious… you’re on the right track, you’re so there. Love it! There is no one to answer to, no one to prove it to, no one to justify yourself to… other than you. So keep going and keep asking and get curious all over again. And then again. And again. Come clean… or at least start the process.
Denial is seductive. It tells us what we want to hear and no matter how strong we are, we succumb to its call. So break it of. Break off the relationship you have with denial. Mourn, cry, be sad… ‘cause every time a relationship ends, no matter how messed up it is, it’s sad. But once you’re ready, take a big deep breath and revisit the on-again off-again relationship you have with reality. And give it another go.
And that’s the thing about reality.
Love,
Brooke.
The thing about reality is that it always wins. No matter what. Ya, I know, I’m sorry darling. We can’t fight it, though we sure do put forth a ton of effort trying. Think about how much time and energy you’ve put into trying to make a situation that’s happening, not happen-or vice versa. Think about how much emotion you’ve spent on a phone that isn’t ringing… that just isn’t, or a person that isn’t treating you right…they just aren’t, or a credit card bill that just isn’t disappearing…it’s just not. Reality is a bitch sometimes, it’s the truth. But it’s not going anywhere. So, now what?
Now we talk about what happens when we fight reality and how it’s messing us up… and then we come clean so we can move forward, sans the baggage my loves, sans the baggage.
How we fight reality…we go into denial, and we attempt to negotiate a deal that will land us in a better situation. That’s what we do. And props to denial because sometimes it truly does help to keep us safe…safe and sound from facing things that tend to be pretty ugly. Do you really want to face the fact that that person isn’t that into you or that the job you have isn’t your true passion and you’ve known it from the start or that the way you’ve been using and abusing money is sending you into a crappy place but you just keep on going… um, no. No one wants to face that stuff…so denial is there to save the day! Yay! Except…
Except denial is a short term solution. Denial is a trick…it tells us that we’ll feel better, and free, and we won’t have to look at such icky things…good times. But once you inch into denial far enough, you’re further and further from the truth, the authentic reality, so the journey back is that much longer. So, it’s messing us up. Because like I said, reality always wins, and at some point gorgeous, the journey back from the land of denial into reality is going to take place. I know, not what you wanted to hear. But it’s, well, the reality of it.
So, as you sit in front of your computer screen reading these words and you start to wonder, “what am I in denial about?” Then keep going, keep asking, get curious… you’re on the right track, you’re so there. Love it! There is no one to answer to, no one to prove it to, no one to justify yourself to… other than you. So keep going and keep asking and get curious all over again. And then again. And again. Come clean… or at least start the process.
Denial is seductive. It tells us what we want to hear and no matter how strong we are, we succumb to its call. So break it of. Break off the relationship you have with denial. Mourn, cry, be sad… ‘cause every time a relationship ends, no matter how messed up it is, it’s sad. But once you’re ready, take a big deep breath and revisit the on-again off-again relationship you have with reality. And give it another go.
And that’s the thing about reality.
Love,
Brooke.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
The thing about respect...
Respect is a word constantly in the airwaves, regularly thrown around, and continuously repeated in any situation a person feels they deserve, well, respect. Respect is also a word often taken at face value with no definition attached, to the point of, in my opinion, a fault. So, in the spirit of being on my soapbox and scooping out the meaning of things until there’s nothing left to scoop…I want to give a little tutorial… a little mini-lesson if you will… on the big-heavy-could be amazing if we actually knew what it meant and used it properly-word, respect. So, with respect, here I go…
There are two parts to the word Respect. “re” and “spect”. Let’s start with “re”.
“Re” is a prefix meaning ‘again’ or ‘again and again’, suggesting repetition. Easy enough.
“Spect” can be found in many words, for example spectacle meaning a show, display or vision. Also spectacles referring to eyeglasses or goggles. Another is spectacular; dazzling, astonishing, or breathtaking. And my favorite, spectator. One who is a viewer, watcher, observer or witness. One can conclude that “spect” is included only in words that refer to looking, seeing, observing, and such.
So, respect really means: to see, again and again. Huh. Imagine that. And all this time we thought we knew what we were talking about.
The thing about respect is that its power lies in the pause…the wonder, interest, and curiosity about another human being (or plant, or animal, or earth, or thing, or or or). Respect is not about being nice to someone, taking them more seriously, or having unfounded admiration based on physical appearance, job status, age, race, religion, ethnicity... or anything in between. It’s actually about seeing someone…past it all, looking deeper at who they are, hearing what they’re really saying, learning where they’re really coming from, paying attention what they’re about…again and again...and again. Until maybe, just maybe you get it a little bit…enough to confidently say, “I respect you”.
So darlings, I ask you... Stop, look, and listen. Wonder about the words you’re using…and why. Wonder about the people around you. Plan to respect someone only if you are prepared to find out who they really are, and kindly embrace their human-being-ness. And then, the best part… gracefully cock your head to the side and wonder about who you really are... again and again. Respect yourselves my dears. And love it every second of it.
And that's the thing about respect.
Love,
Brooke.
There are two parts to the word Respect. “re” and “spect”. Let’s start with “re”.
“Re” is a prefix meaning ‘again’ or ‘again and again’, suggesting repetition. Easy enough.
“Spect” can be found in many words, for example spectacle meaning a show, display or vision. Also spectacles referring to eyeglasses or goggles. Another is spectacular; dazzling, astonishing, or breathtaking. And my favorite, spectator. One who is a viewer, watcher, observer or witness. One can conclude that “spect” is included only in words that refer to looking, seeing, observing, and such.
So, respect really means: to see, again and again. Huh. Imagine that. And all this time we thought we knew what we were talking about.
The thing about respect is that its power lies in the pause…the wonder, interest, and curiosity about another human being (or plant, or animal, or earth, or thing, or or or). Respect is not about being nice to someone, taking them more seriously, or having unfounded admiration based on physical appearance, job status, age, race, religion, ethnicity... or anything in between. It’s actually about seeing someone…past it all, looking deeper at who they are, hearing what they’re really saying, learning where they’re really coming from, paying attention what they’re about…again and again...and again. Until maybe, just maybe you get it a little bit…enough to confidently say, “I respect you”.
So darlings, I ask you... Stop, look, and listen. Wonder about the words you’re using…and why. Wonder about the people around you. Plan to respect someone only if you are prepared to find out who they really are, and kindly embrace their human-being-ness. And then, the best part… gracefully cock your head to the side and wonder about who you really are... again and again. Respect yourselves my dears. And love it every second of it.
And that's the thing about respect.
Love,
Brooke.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The thing about your story...
Dear Brooke,
My question to you is regarding how much honesty is too much honesty when it comes to relationships and one's past.
You see, I went through a difficult relationship during college (emotionally/mentally abusive, unfortunately) and the healing period to get past it included some even more unfortunate behaviors--namely, a short stint (approximately one month) of being a "party girl", during which I hooked up randomly a few times (literally only a few). It didn't take me very long to realize that behaving that way felt like crap, nor was it "me"; it actually served as a wake up call to look inward and deal with my issues.
I can gladly say that was years ago and today I am a happy, normal individual--with the exception of a few occasional flashbacks of "the things that I've done". Six months ago I met my soul mate, and though it may sound crazy to say that after such a short time--I actually knew he was the one after our first date. At the very beginning of the relationship I divulged vague details about my dirty past, i.e. the fact that I had one. I did this because I wanted to be honest about what I had been through, but I only gave enough details to paint a picture. No guy loves to hear that stuff, but it was accepted and we moved past.
I believe I will end up marrying this guy, and as such something has been plaguing me: How much honesty is too much honesty? What if he asks me things? What answer do I give? Does he need to know names, dates, and positions? I don't think that information would be helpful to anyone. In a world where people are getting married in their late 20's and 30's, we all have some kind of past life before we meet our husbands and wives. How are we meant to deal with honesty about our past? Is there a rule of thumb regarding what we should tell? I hate to lie ever, but what is the harm when the information serves no benefit to anyone?
I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Greater Good
Dear Greater Good,
No warming up. No small talk. Let’s unpack this baby right frikin’ now.
Your if-it-didn’t-happen-exactly-the-way-it-did-or-you-wouldn’t-be-as-fabulous-as-you-are story… journey…process…was just described by you, little miss good-or-bust as “unfortunate” and “dirty”. OK…could anyone judge themselves more right now? I don’t think so. You need the biggest hug ever, and at the same time… a major ah-ha moment. So, let’s have it.
Seriously my love, who is really judging your past… your man? Nope…It’s you. You are judging your past so much that you are assuming that others will too. You were emotionally abused and coped with it in a way that many humans do...you did the best you could with what you had, and I’m proud of you. Yes, really. But now, you are emotionally abusing yourself. The truth is, once you accept, honor, and respect your past and your journey, so will everyone else.
I know you’re looking for answers…for me to tell you what to do. This actually isn’t about lying or telling the truth or the details or whatever… this is about something that goes way deeper than that. It seems to me that the reason you’re troubled by what to tell and what not to tell is you’re looking for some validation of your story. You want someone to say, “It’s OK, I love you regardless of what you did”. The truth is, my darling, you don’t love you regardless of what you did. You don’t love your past; you don’t respect the choices you made. You are justifying yourself all over the place… “approximately one month” “literally only a few” and right now, in this moment I want you to pause. Take a breath. And listen carefully…
One of the reasons you were able to realize how special this man is, and allow yourself to fall in love is because of your story, because of all the things you did and went through...simple and complicated. If you didn’t do things that felt wrong, how the heck would you know what feels right? It’s time to thank your story. It’s time to celebrate your past. It’s time to love yourself not only regardless of your past, but because of it. Yes, really.
The thing about your story is that it’s well, yours...and it’s important to treat it with care, and big time love. You get to decide what to do with it, where to put it, where not to put it. Your story is a precious gem, a true gift that this life has given you to become your best self. Your story is about a woman who has journeyed through crap relationships and come out alive…a woman who has made decisions that seemed perfect at the time, and learned from all of them…a woman who has a juicy rich beautiful past that made her one strong and capable cookie…a story that is only hers to judge.
I invite you to be proud of your story... especially the parts that you aren’t proud of. Once you embrace this, you’ll know exactly who to tell and how much to share.
Love love love LOVE,
Brooke.
Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com. Your identity will be kept confidential.
My question to you is regarding how much honesty is too much honesty when it comes to relationships and one's past.
You see, I went through a difficult relationship during college (emotionally/mentally abusive, unfortunately) and the healing period to get past it included some even more unfortunate behaviors--namely, a short stint (approximately one month) of being a "party girl", during which I hooked up randomly a few times (literally only a few). It didn't take me very long to realize that behaving that way felt like crap, nor was it "me"; it actually served as a wake up call to look inward and deal with my issues.
I can gladly say that was years ago and today I am a happy, normal individual--with the exception of a few occasional flashbacks of "the things that I've done". Six months ago I met my soul mate, and though it may sound crazy to say that after such a short time--I actually knew he was the one after our first date. At the very beginning of the relationship I divulged vague details about my dirty past, i.e. the fact that I had one. I did this because I wanted to be honest about what I had been through, but I only gave enough details to paint a picture. No guy loves to hear that stuff, but it was accepted and we moved past.
I believe I will end up marrying this guy, and as such something has been plaguing me: How much honesty is too much honesty? What if he asks me things? What answer do I give? Does he need to know names, dates, and positions? I don't think that information would be helpful to anyone. In a world where people are getting married in their late 20's and 30's, we all have some kind of past life before we meet our husbands and wives. How are we meant to deal with honesty about our past? Is there a rule of thumb regarding what we should tell? I hate to lie ever, but what is the harm when the information serves no benefit to anyone?
I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Greater Good
Dear Greater Good,
No warming up. No small talk. Let’s unpack this baby right frikin’ now.
Your if-it-didn’t-happen-exactly-the-way-it-did-or-you-wouldn’t-be-as-fabulous-as-you-are story… journey…process…was just described by you, little miss good-or-bust as “unfortunate” and “dirty”. OK…could anyone judge themselves more right now? I don’t think so. You need the biggest hug ever, and at the same time… a major ah-ha moment. So, let’s have it.
Seriously my love, who is really judging your past… your man? Nope…It’s you. You are judging your past so much that you are assuming that others will too. You were emotionally abused and coped with it in a way that many humans do...you did the best you could with what you had, and I’m proud of you. Yes, really. But now, you are emotionally abusing yourself. The truth is, once you accept, honor, and respect your past and your journey, so will everyone else.
I know you’re looking for answers…for me to tell you what to do. This actually isn’t about lying or telling the truth or the details or whatever… this is about something that goes way deeper than that. It seems to me that the reason you’re troubled by what to tell and what not to tell is you’re looking for some validation of your story. You want someone to say, “It’s OK, I love you regardless of what you did”. The truth is, my darling, you don’t love you regardless of what you did. You don’t love your past; you don’t respect the choices you made. You are justifying yourself all over the place… “approximately one month” “literally only a few” and right now, in this moment I want you to pause. Take a breath. And listen carefully…
One of the reasons you were able to realize how special this man is, and allow yourself to fall in love is because of your story, because of all the things you did and went through...simple and complicated. If you didn’t do things that felt wrong, how the heck would you know what feels right? It’s time to thank your story. It’s time to celebrate your past. It’s time to love yourself not only regardless of your past, but because of it. Yes, really.
The thing about your story is that it’s well, yours...and it’s important to treat it with care, and big time love. You get to decide what to do with it, where to put it, where not to put it. Your story is a precious gem, a true gift that this life has given you to become your best self. Your story is about a woman who has journeyed through crap relationships and come out alive…a woman who has made decisions that seemed perfect at the time, and learned from all of them…a woman who has a juicy rich beautiful past that made her one strong and capable cookie…a story that is only hers to judge.
I invite you to be proud of your story... especially the parts that you aren’t proud of. Once you embrace this, you’ll know exactly who to tell and how much to share.
Love love love LOVE,
Brooke.
Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com. Your identity will be kept confidential.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The thing about the things we hold onto...
My plane was delayed. It happens. So I found myself with unplanned extra time, walking around the airport with my ridiculously heavy bag slung around my shoulder. I thought that I had packed everything in so well…so thoughtfully placed and organized. I even experimented handling the weight by picking it up a few times before I left the house… it passed all initial tests. But the longer I held it, the more I believed that a damaging neck or upper back injury was about to occur. The combination of my bra strap digging into my precious shoulder with the bag strap perfectly placed right over it was just too much to take. Periodic breaks became necessary.
During one of my important pauses I found myself thinking...why do we hold onto so much?
We don’t only hold onto stuff, we hold onto feelings, experiences, pasts. We hold onto guilt, hurt, anger, grudges. We hold onto what we said, what someone else said, what we wish we said. We hold onto shoulda’ woulda’ coulda’ all day long. …And the list goes on. But if we’re holding onto such unbelievably outrageously heavy things, isn’t there a point when we have to just put it all down… and breathe?
The thing about the things we hold onto is that they stay and hang out on the surface of our world...more than we care to admit. Even if you think you’ve been wildly successful at pushing it all down, pushing it all away, hiding it all so no one can see… sorry to burst your bubble darling dear…the only person you are fooling is your own precious self. No matter how hard we try to push it all down… certain things are simply indigestible.
Our bodies, our spirits, our souls… these gorgeous things are not built to digest things like guilt, anger, fear, hate, regret. Just like our stomachs can’t digest poison… we have to get it all pumped out… or the consequences are, well, ugly. So it all stays there, at the forefront, poisoning your every moment. The held onto stuff inches it’s way into whatever we do or say or experience. The held onto stuff takes up so much space in our bodies that we can’t invite the good stuff in…we are full of undigested crap. I know, fun.
So, you have undigested-held onto-past-crap that is influencing you more than you were willing to realize…and now you’re admitting it silently to yourself with a little smirk on your face. Yes, you. Love love love it. Welcome to being human. Congratulations, you’ve arrived. But that’s not me giving you permission to hold onto it forever. This is me caring about you like crazy and letting you know I get it while at the same time saying… it’s time to put down your bag honey. Take a breath.
Consider what you hold onto. Be curious. Why do you need it? Why do you want it? How is it serving you? Is it making your day, your life, your self… better? Really? What would your day, your life, your self… look like, feel like, be like if for just a minute, you let it go?
And that’s the thing about the things we hold onto.
Love like crazy,
Brooke.
During one of my important pauses I found myself thinking...why do we hold onto so much?
We don’t only hold onto stuff, we hold onto feelings, experiences, pasts. We hold onto guilt, hurt, anger, grudges. We hold onto what we said, what someone else said, what we wish we said. We hold onto shoulda’ woulda’ coulda’ all day long. …And the list goes on. But if we’re holding onto such unbelievably outrageously heavy things, isn’t there a point when we have to just put it all down… and breathe?
The thing about the things we hold onto is that they stay and hang out on the surface of our world...more than we care to admit. Even if you think you’ve been wildly successful at pushing it all down, pushing it all away, hiding it all so no one can see… sorry to burst your bubble darling dear…the only person you are fooling is your own precious self. No matter how hard we try to push it all down… certain things are simply indigestible.
Our bodies, our spirits, our souls… these gorgeous things are not built to digest things like guilt, anger, fear, hate, regret. Just like our stomachs can’t digest poison… we have to get it all pumped out… or the consequences are, well, ugly. So it all stays there, at the forefront, poisoning your every moment. The held onto stuff inches it’s way into whatever we do or say or experience. The held onto stuff takes up so much space in our bodies that we can’t invite the good stuff in…we are full of undigested crap. I know, fun.
So, you have undigested-held onto-past-crap that is influencing you more than you were willing to realize…and now you’re admitting it silently to yourself with a little smirk on your face. Yes, you. Love love love it. Welcome to being human. Congratulations, you’ve arrived. But that’s not me giving you permission to hold onto it forever. This is me caring about you like crazy and letting you know I get it while at the same time saying… it’s time to put down your bag honey. Take a breath.
Consider what you hold onto. Be curious. Why do you need it? Why do you want it? How is it serving you? Is it making your day, your life, your self… better? Really? What would your day, your life, your self… look like, feel like, be like if for just a minute, you let it go?
And that’s the thing about the things we hold onto.
Love like crazy,
Brooke.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The thing about expecting everything from one person...
One of the most important things my ex-boyfriend said to me during our relationship was “I can’t be your boyfriend, and your girlfriends.” I had no idea he was so deep, hence our breakup, but as it turns out that lesson stuck with me…
So often we look to our partners to fulfill everything, all of our needs, all of our wants, all of our all of our. That’s a tall frikin’ order, don’t you think? Putting that kind of expectation on one human being is overwhelming to even think about. The expectation to be everything all folded into one body is not only a bummer for the person who is supposed to be super-human, but dangerous for the person placing the expectations as well.
The thing about expecting everything from one person is that it’s dangerous…dangerous because we are bound to be let down. And being let down because of expectations we created out of thin air all on our own...well that just sucks. I’m certainly not saying settle for a partner because no one can be that great anyway... Believe me, that’s not my stance. I do think amazing healthy juicy fabulous relationships are built on finding one ridiculously unbelievable person, being best friends and lovers and and and and… oh, and that too. But it’s important to think of life as a soup. With only 1 ingredient, well, that’s just bound to disappoint.
It’s healthy to add other ingredients into your world, into your life soup if you will. The base can be your relationship if that’s where you're at on your path, or your yoga community or your kids or your mom… whatever is a fit for your world. But add some friends, some purpose, some hobbies. Join a knitting circle, volunteer, have stimulating conversations going on, coffee dates, and even that really scary overwhelming thing we call…solitude. Ya, even have some of that. Believe me, you're everything person will thank you.
We don’t want anyone to look to us for all the answers, all the time. We don’t want to be 100% responsible for 1 person’s happiness and life purpose…that’s just way too much pressure. So why do we do it to our partners…or our 1 best friend…or our mom? One person just can’t do everything. But they love you either way. So, stir your soup darlings. Yes, it’s that important.
Love,
Brooke
So often we look to our partners to fulfill everything, all of our needs, all of our wants, all of our all of our. That’s a tall frikin’ order, don’t you think? Putting that kind of expectation on one human being is overwhelming to even think about. The expectation to be everything all folded into one body is not only a bummer for the person who is supposed to be super-human, but dangerous for the person placing the expectations as well.
The thing about expecting everything from one person is that it’s dangerous…dangerous because we are bound to be let down. And being let down because of expectations we created out of thin air all on our own...well that just sucks. I’m certainly not saying settle for a partner because no one can be that great anyway... Believe me, that’s not my stance. I do think amazing healthy juicy fabulous relationships are built on finding one ridiculously unbelievable person, being best friends and lovers and and and and… oh, and that too. But it’s important to think of life as a soup. With only 1 ingredient, well, that’s just bound to disappoint.
It’s healthy to add other ingredients into your world, into your life soup if you will. The base can be your relationship if that’s where you're at on your path, or your yoga community or your kids or your mom… whatever is a fit for your world. But add some friends, some purpose, some hobbies. Join a knitting circle, volunteer, have stimulating conversations going on, coffee dates, and even that really scary overwhelming thing we call…solitude. Ya, even have some of that. Believe me, you're everything person will thank you.
We don’t want anyone to look to us for all the answers, all the time. We don’t want to be 100% responsible for 1 person’s happiness and life purpose…that’s just way too much pressure. So why do we do it to our partners…or our 1 best friend…or our mom? One person just can’t do everything. But they love you either way. So, stir your soup darlings. Yes, it’s that important.
Love,
Brooke
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The thing about honesty...
Brooke –
I need to ask about this because so often we are asked for ‘an honest opinion’ or ‘tell me honesty if’, etc.
This happened recently with a close friend. She had been to visit my home and we had a nice weekend. Upon her return home, she wrote and said “I had the distinct feeling you are not happy with me. I felt it when I left your place but it was really strong when I woke up. Am I imagining things or am I correct? Did I do something wrong while I was there?”
This friend has always said one of the things she loves best about me my HONESTY. So after much consideration, I replied--
“Now how to answer your question… I am so glad you worded it “not happy with me” rather than mad or angry. I have to be honest BUT keep in mind it is only a small thing which is why it was never brought up. On the way home from the restaurant – the conversation went to Ford Motor Company – trashing transmissions, power-trains, etc….. I did not feel it was appropriate to ‘knock down’ a company your hosts’ worked for and are collecting a pension from. As you know we are “True Ford Blue” and the comments we not appreciated. Since it truly was a small thing – I let it go and asked my hubby to do the same. Nothing to worry about – it is now in the past! You asked so I had to be honest (something that you’ve always admired) otherwise it would have never been mentioned.”
I did not hear from this person for 2 days, so I sent a note asking if I should be worried. Her response was “No, not to worry. Some things are just better dropped than continued. I think that's one of them. (((HUGS)))”
Looks like honesty wasn’t something she wanted to hear. From her response, she doesn’t agree with how we felt. When feelings are hurt (like our case), it’s how we perceived the comment rather than why they made the comment. Am I right?
When I got her response back, I was surprised that it didn’t say “Oh sorry you felt that way” or something. Her response leads me to believe that she doesn’t see our “side”, isn’t the least bit remorseful and is now maybe a little mad at me for being honest. Is that your take? In my opinion, feelings are genuine and can neither be “right” or “wrong” – they just are!!
I guess my question to you is – people really don’t want honesty do they? It would have been far better for the relationship to have just replied – NO nothing is wrong! And move on.
Honest Hannah
Dear Honest Hannah,
How bold and beautiful of you to put yourself out there for such an important and often confusing topic… your experience and example illustrates what so many of us experience. So go you. You are officially a life teacher. And PS. Thank you so much for sharing your own personal emails- they’re really going to help us get down to the nitty gritty… in a good way… I hope.
So there is the cliché “honesty is the best policy” and I agree for the most part. But in SoapBox-World there are 2 main categories of honesty. Take ‘em if you like, leave ‘em if you don’t. First is outer-world-honesty…the details, specifics, quotes, things that happen in the situation, etc. and second is inner-world-honesty…the feelings, emotions, things that go on inside of us, etc.
Outer-world-honesty is way easier to express. This happened, she said this, he said that…bla bla. It’s inner-world-honesty that can get sticky and get us all tripped up on what honesty really looks like... let’s use your experience to illustrate.
In the outer world, your friend said negative things about an organization you are invested in, which seemed inappropriate to you at the time, under the circumstances. OK. It’s so great that you shared that with her because outer-world-honesty really does clear up some confusion sometimes, right? So that’s fabulous. But there’s more…
It seems to me, that although you were honest about the outer-world details of the situation, you were far from honest about the follow up you were hoping for, and about your inner-world experience. You didn’t lie my love, you just left out a few things. You didn’t tell her your feelings were hurt, you didn’t tell her you wanted to know if she understood where you were coming from. You didn’t let her know that you were hoping for a response. You didn’t tell her you wanted her to say she was sorry. Sometimes we don’t share our inner-world honesty because we aren’t convinced our feelings are justified or reasonable, so we say things like… “Nothing to worry about – it is now in the past”
So, what happened was…. Your friend said something hurtful and asked you what had happened. Then you emailed the specifics, like what she said and when, but gave her permission to simply move on. Then, when she said ok, you were upset and confused. So when you say you were honest... you weren’t completely honest darlin’, right? And it led to you being more hurt than you were in the first place.
The thing about honesty is that it’s great and helpful and delicious and organic and amazing…if you are actually being honest…like, fully. And sitting with whatever happens as a result. The complete honest answer would have stated the outer-world details and then been followed by your inner-world feelings and experiences of the situation.
Here is an example of how you can include your inner world honesty: “There was a comment made about Ford in a negative light. You are my friend and I care so much about you and our friendship. I was hurt and upset about the comment because I didn’t feel noticed for the work and effort my family and I have put into Ford. I know it may seem like a small detail, but I also know you will understand where I’m coming from. I really appreciate you initiating this conversation.”…and so on
The most important thing to keep in mind when expressing inner world honesty; use way way way more “I” statements that “You” statements. “You” statements should be kept to a crazy minimum and only used in a positive light. No one wants to have a finger pointing in their face, be cut down, put down, lectured, or made to feel bad. If they feel that way at all, your communication will probably be misunderstood, unheard, or unread all together. If you remind your friends, family, or whoever you have a challenge with that they are important to you (which they are) and you care about the relationship you have with them (which you do) and that you have confidence that they are the kind of person who will understand your point of view…then they will be standing on confident solid ground and are more prepared to hear what you have to say. Don’t lie to them, of course… but just remember your relationship and all of the great things about that person…and say them.
So many of us, in a hurtful situation, just sit back and wait for the other person to miraculously know what’s going on in our inner-world. We get the crazy idea that others know our buttons, how they are pushed, and when they push them. We convince ourselves that others know the depth of our stories and our emotions and what affects us and to what level. Our feelings are not floating in the air for anyone to see, to understand, to respond to…unless we share them.
So, we have found ourselves here. At this place of different levels or shall we say, worlds of honesty. Sometimes, it feels best to only include one world. Such as, leaving the details out and just talking about how you and the other person feel. Or, sometimes it’s really just a silly misunderstanding and you can forgo the deep thoughts and clear things up with a quick detail. But, most of the time, a balance of both is necessary.
Remember, the most important person to be fully honest with…yourself. And to me, the only way to do that is to ask lot’s of questions and as always…get curious about yourself. Honest Hannah, you done good.
Love,
Brooke
Oh, and PS to you and everyone… your best bet is to make some notes to yourself, and then if it’s an option, call or meet a friend in person to talk about things. Email, text, etc. can get confusing and may lead to a greater risk of being misunderstood. Just food for thought…
Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com!
I need to ask about this because so often we are asked for ‘an honest opinion’ or ‘tell me honesty if’, etc.
This happened recently with a close friend. She had been to visit my home and we had a nice weekend. Upon her return home, she wrote and said “I had the distinct feeling you are not happy with me. I felt it when I left your place but it was really strong when I woke up. Am I imagining things or am I correct? Did I do something wrong while I was there?”
This friend has always said one of the things she loves best about me my HONESTY. So after much consideration, I replied--
“Now how to answer your question… I am so glad you worded it “not happy with me” rather than mad or angry. I have to be honest BUT keep in mind it is only a small thing which is why it was never brought up. On the way home from the restaurant – the conversation went to Ford Motor Company – trashing transmissions, power-trains, etc….. I did not feel it was appropriate to ‘knock down’ a company your hosts’ worked for and are collecting a pension from. As you know we are “True Ford Blue” and the comments we not appreciated. Since it truly was a small thing – I let it go and asked my hubby to do the same. Nothing to worry about – it is now in the past! You asked so I had to be honest (something that you’ve always admired) otherwise it would have never been mentioned.”
I did not hear from this person for 2 days, so I sent a note asking if I should be worried. Her response was “No, not to worry. Some things are just better dropped than continued. I think that's one of them. (((HUGS)))”
Looks like honesty wasn’t something she wanted to hear. From her response, she doesn’t agree with how we felt. When feelings are hurt (like our case), it’s how we perceived the comment rather than why they made the comment. Am I right?
When I got her response back, I was surprised that it didn’t say “Oh sorry you felt that way” or something. Her response leads me to believe that she doesn’t see our “side”, isn’t the least bit remorseful and is now maybe a little mad at me for being honest. Is that your take? In my opinion, feelings are genuine and can neither be “right” or “wrong” – they just are!!
I guess my question to you is – people really don’t want honesty do they? It would have been far better for the relationship to have just replied – NO nothing is wrong! And move on.
Honest Hannah
Dear Honest Hannah,
How bold and beautiful of you to put yourself out there for such an important and often confusing topic… your experience and example illustrates what so many of us experience. So go you. You are officially a life teacher. And PS. Thank you so much for sharing your own personal emails- they’re really going to help us get down to the nitty gritty… in a good way… I hope.
So there is the cliché “honesty is the best policy” and I agree for the most part. But in SoapBox-World there are 2 main categories of honesty. Take ‘em if you like, leave ‘em if you don’t. First is outer-world-honesty…the details, specifics, quotes, things that happen in the situation, etc. and second is inner-world-honesty…the feelings, emotions, things that go on inside of us, etc.
Outer-world-honesty is way easier to express. This happened, she said this, he said that…bla bla. It’s inner-world-honesty that can get sticky and get us all tripped up on what honesty really looks like... let’s use your experience to illustrate.
In the outer world, your friend said negative things about an organization you are invested in, which seemed inappropriate to you at the time, under the circumstances. OK. It’s so great that you shared that with her because outer-world-honesty really does clear up some confusion sometimes, right? So that’s fabulous. But there’s more…
It seems to me, that although you were honest about the outer-world details of the situation, you were far from honest about the follow up you were hoping for, and about your inner-world experience. You didn’t lie my love, you just left out a few things. You didn’t tell her your feelings were hurt, you didn’t tell her you wanted to know if she understood where you were coming from. You didn’t let her know that you were hoping for a response. You didn’t tell her you wanted her to say she was sorry. Sometimes we don’t share our inner-world honesty because we aren’t convinced our feelings are justified or reasonable, so we say things like… “Nothing to worry about – it is now in the past”
So, what happened was…. Your friend said something hurtful and asked you what had happened. Then you emailed the specifics, like what she said and when, but gave her permission to simply move on. Then, when she said ok, you were upset and confused. So when you say you were honest... you weren’t completely honest darlin’, right? And it led to you being more hurt than you were in the first place.
The thing about honesty is that it’s great and helpful and delicious and organic and amazing…if you are actually being honest…like, fully. And sitting with whatever happens as a result. The complete honest answer would have stated the outer-world details and then been followed by your inner-world feelings and experiences of the situation.
Here is an example of how you can include your inner world honesty: “There was a comment made about Ford in a negative light. You are my friend and I care so much about you and our friendship. I was hurt and upset about the comment because I didn’t feel noticed for the work and effort my family and I have put into Ford. I know it may seem like a small detail, but I also know you will understand where I’m coming from. I really appreciate you initiating this conversation.”…and so on
The most important thing to keep in mind when expressing inner world honesty; use way way way more “I” statements that “You” statements. “You” statements should be kept to a crazy minimum and only used in a positive light. No one wants to have a finger pointing in their face, be cut down, put down, lectured, or made to feel bad. If they feel that way at all, your communication will probably be misunderstood, unheard, or unread all together. If you remind your friends, family, or whoever you have a challenge with that they are important to you (which they are) and you care about the relationship you have with them (which you do) and that you have confidence that they are the kind of person who will understand your point of view…then they will be standing on confident solid ground and are more prepared to hear what you have to say. Don’t lie to them, of course… but just remember your relationship and all of the great things about that person…and say them.
So many of us, in a hurtful situation, just sit back and wait for the other person to miraculously know what’s going on in our inner-world. We get the crazy idea that others know our buttons, how they are pushed, and when they push them. We convince ourselves that others know the depth of our stories and our emotions and what affects us and to what level. Our feelings are not floating in the air for anyone to see, to understand, to respond to…unless we share them.
So, we have found ourselves here. At this place of different levels or shall we say, worlds of honesty. Sometimes, it feels best to only include one world. Such as, leaving the details out and just talking about how you and the other person feel. Or, sometimes it’s really just a silly misunderstanding and you can forgo the deep thoughts and clear things up with a quick detail. But, most of the time, a balance of both is necessary.
Remember, the most important person to be fully honest with…yourself. And to me, the only way to do that is to ask lot’s of questions and as always…get curious about yourself. Honest Hannah, you done good.
Love,
Brooke
Oh, and PS to you and everyone… your best bet is to make some notes to yourself, and then if it’s an option, call or meet a friend in person to talk about things. Email, text, etc. can get confusing and may lead to a greater risk of being misunderstood. Just food for thought…
Send your questions to soapboxtherapy@gmail.com!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
